The Thurber Brigade's Annual "Story of Christmas"

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.   

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.”

 

Pagan Shaman vs Pope Headgear 

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth. 

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it.

Be sure and watch "Vikings" on The History Channel

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around. 

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

 The Thurber Brigade apologizes for using this rerun once again.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends.

He Had It Coming

A judge in Portland has been criticized by civil rights groups and the local community for handing down a light sentence to a woman who attacked and robbed a local businessman.

Judge Judy Pattibone only sentenced Belinda Shoemaker to time served in her case of assaulting John Finemann last March. Shoemaker claimed that Finemann had shown interest in her and consented to the assault. They had met at a local nightclub where both consumed several “adult beverages.”

Shoemaker claimed that Finemann then willingly invited her to his apartment where the alleged assault occurred.  She also claimed that once there, Finemann commenced to entice her by displaying his fine furniture and $10,000 stereo system. He also showed off a top of the line television and home movie theater. The assault happened shortly after this according to court documents.

“Does the evidence out-rule the possibility that she was attracted to the gentleman and was open to meeting someone and taking his equipment by force?” Shoemaker's defense lawyer said in court.

“You have to look at the way he was dressed and his exquisite possessions. He was wearing a tailored suit with silk tie," she said, according to the Portland Examiner.

Civil rights protestors gathered outside the court and waved ties and carried signs declaring that fashionable clothing did not mean consent to be beaten and robbed.

Using a tie as evidence of implied consent was considered victim-blaming by many angry wealthy men on social media, who started publishing pictures of their ties using the #ThisIsNotConsent hashtag.

This case parallels one last year in which several wealthy men were beaten and had their cars stolen.  In both cases jurors found the defendants not guilty, much to the dismay of car dealers and expensive car owners.

“He had it coming to him,” stated one juror, who wished not to be identified. “Did you see the leather seats and computerized dashboard?  How could people resist not taking the car by any means available with such overwhelming enticements?  You go out in public looking hot in a car like that and you should expect to be beaten and vandalized.”

In all the cases the ACLU has declared they would assist the victims in appealing the decisions.  “Just dressing in fine clothes or driving overly expensive automobiles does not mean that the people involved have granted consent to be robbed and beaten,” Rodney Weatherall of the ACLU stated.

Public opinion on this issue is fairly divided and the issue will unlikely be resolved any time soon.  Organizations representing the wealthy have advised people to use more discretion in public until they can successfully lobby Congress using massive amounts of money to pass laws that explicitly deal with this subject. Fact finding trips to Paris and Rome to investigate at length have already been scheduled for next year.

Yes.  The Thurber Brigade does think that this is obviously wrong.  How a person looks, dresses, what he/she owns, etc. is never a reason to assault someone.  However, for some reason, when the case involves a female dressed provocatively, the courts and public opinion have a different mind.  We at The Brigade often talk about sex and sexuality as well as post pictures of scantily clad females (sometimes men). It doesn't mean we believe any of those grants a person consent to assault or take advantage of another person. Ever.