The Story of Easter: A Thurber Brigade Rerun

 

Around 300 CE the Cardinal ran up to the Pope while in the most agitated state.  The Pope held up his hand in a calming manner to placate the worried man.

“Calm thyself Cardinal.”

“We have a crisis your excellency!” the Cardinal exclaimed.

“What crisis?”

“The people are dancing around naked and drinking heavily all in the name of Eostre!”

“Well, we can’t have that.  I have a plan though.  Go gather the people around and I will make a declaration.”

So, the Cardinal rushed off and after getting the people clothed and somewhat sober, convinced them to go and hear what the Pope wanted to tell them. 

“People there is a new holiday you should celebrate.  It is one that commemorates the death and resurrection of Jesus.  This holiday will be heretofore known as Easter!” the Pope exclaimed.

The people mumbled amongst themselves and looked questioningly at the Pope.  “Easter?” That sounds suspiciously like our favorite time of the year when we celebrate Eostre,” one man said.

“Um, no, no, it’s not related to Eostre at all,” the Pope assured him.

Monty Python would celebrate Eostre

“It seems strange to celebrate someone’s death,” another peasant said to the Pope.  “I mean, it sounds rather bloody from the description your priests have told us in the past.”

“Yeah, and that story they tell about Jesus sure sounds a lot like the story of Inanna and Horus,” another person shouted.  “I mean, they were killed, went to the underworld and came back.”

“No, no, those stories are just myths. This story of Jesus is real. You can trust me,” the Pope said as convincingly as he could.

“We like Eostre though,” several others chimed in.  “We get to dance and drink, we paint eggs and carry around rabbits to celebrate the new spring and virility.”

“Well, you can still have eggs and rabbits,” the Pope said. 

“Can we dance and drink too?” a man at the back asked.

“Of course you can, although I think it best to keep your clothes on,” the Pope answered.

The people furrowed their brows and wrinkled their noses.  “We’re not sure about this holiday.”

“Oh, you’ll love it,” the Pope assured them. “You’ll have a great time.”

So the people decided to celebrate both holidays.  After all, the more holidays the better.  However, slowly but surely the Pope and his successors convinced them to just celebrate Easter. With time, he also got the people to calm down more and celebrate with less enthusiasm.

The church kept the eggs and rabbits, but got the people to dispense with the dancing and drinking. A small group of pagans didn’t like this turn of events and vowed to one day return the holiday to its more spirited nature. 

Slowly but surely the old Eostre followers have been stressing the eggs and rabbits.  So today you can actually find people telling stories of big rabbits hiding chocolate eggs. They sneakily got the church to offer sunrise services which celebrate an old solar celebration. Also, the pagans convinced the Pope to base the time of Easter on the phases of the moon.  They haven’t been able to bring back the wild dancing, but have had more luck with the drinking aspect with their Easter sales at liquor stores.

So whether you follow celebrations of Horus, Inanna, Eostre/Ostara or Easter we at The Thurber Brigade wish you a pleasant holiday.

Ahhh, James Thurber

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize if this story sounds a little like our annual Christmas story.  We can't help that a certain religion co-opted several Pagan celebrations to try and win over the people. We also apologize to the serious religious types for making fun of the Pope, religion, myths, etc.  We don't regret it, nor doubt the above story has some basis in reality, but we apologize as we want you to continue to enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate. Cheers.

 

 

We're Going Backwards

Late on Friday nights when I’m safely home (admittedly after a few beers) I like to play music videos on the DVD player. Often they're 80s videos, some are hard rock, i.e. AC/DC (which annoys the neighbors because you have to play those loud), or sometimes just a few “chill music” vids because I need to calm down.

However, one of my favorites is Lionel Richie's “All Night Long.” Invariably though this depresses me. It reminds me how we are going backwards nowadays.

The song is about how you can be so strongly moved by something (music) that you just have to keep going. Party all night long. The dancers wear very colorful outfits, surely meant to make a subtle point, and are multi-racial. The dancing includes a wide range of styles with various mixtures of couples.

This was back in the 80s where it was slowly becoming common and acceptable to see a black man dance with a white woman, a white man tango with an Asian female, two males breakdancing together. It made it seem like things were progressing to where we could all live together in harmony.

Then Trump came along and infested the White House. 

Although we knew there were a lot of racists in our country, they at least had become reticent to express it in public. Unlike the old days where Jim Crow was normalized, racism had become a social deviation, something kept quietly amongst a person's cohort or family. Not something you could bring out in public without facing public derision.

Trump enabled racists. Emboldened them. He has tried to make it acceptable in polite society, and criticized those who challenge him as weak-wristed Libtards or overly PC elites.

Thanks to him, we see an increase in right-wing, racist organizations, demonstrators who are unafraid of public shame chanting abusive, racist slogans and public displays of offensive comments to anyone who looks foreign or of a different race than Anglo-Saxon whites. Even the Republican Party seems to have embraced the Trump vitriol and become largely the party of white males.

Although we've had problems with police interactions with civilians, as I noted in my blogs “Tips for Tourists” and “Police reform Part I & II” I don't think we've seen this level of police violence toward minorities since before the 70s. It's as if they are acting as Trump's agents of violence that he often spews at his pep, excuse me, "campaign" rallies.

I long for the days when we could dance the night away regardless of our race, religion, political affiliation or whatever.  

Sure, the video is a make-believe world, but it was a world where people lived together peacefully, where differences were immaterial, where people could dance together in harmony. A world we need to find again.

Ahh, James Thurber

Okay, yes, this is a rerun from August 2019. However, racism, misogyny and hatred of others has gotten worse. It's because the guy in the White House (I don't like to use his name) has made it all acceptable. He's made it so that people who would have been ashamed to express or act in such a manner find it okay to come out of hiding. In the 80s it seemed like we were making so much progress and now it's like we're set back decades. So it is worth sounding the alarm again if it might help slow down this devolution. Make America tolerant again.

 

 

The Theory of Relationship Relativity-redux

After years of devoted research, I’ve made a shocking discovery about relationships.  Love is a mathematical formula.

Sure, this flies in the face of thousands of romantics from the past.  Shakespeare would reject the theory outright.  Burns would chase me through the streets with a red rose (and a stick).  And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Dr. Ruth put out a contract on me.  But it’s true.

I finally came to this conclusion after closely looking at the relationships of movie stars.  After all, aren’t they the modern paradigm of love?  Gossip magazines spend thousands of dollars to snap wedding pictures of Posh Spice and her soccer man.  Everyone at work gathers around the coffee pot to discuss Madonna’s latest flame.  So they are perfect laboratory love rats, no offense to any rats out there.

The formula is this:

LOVE= amount of time with a person  x  the qualities you like about the person

        ÷ those pet peeves that drive you crazy

Let me give you an example.  Mr. Smith has loved his high school sweetheart for 10 years.  Ms. Brown served on the student council and lead the cheers at football games and looks incredible in a tight Angora sweater.  However, she snaps her chewing gum, hates to cook, cleans her house once every decade and wears perfume from K-Mart.

For the most part, the qualities and pet peeves are fairly even.  However, because of the length of time they have been dating, they will enter relationship heaven.

Example B.  Gail has dated Roger for close to a year now.  He works for the Shark, Curmudgeon and Bitter law firm as a junior partner, often gets confused for Brad Pitt and owns stock in IBM, Exxon and Ben & Jerry’s.  However, she’s recently learned that his favorite pastime is nude, Jell-O wrestling, munches on a whole onion (uncooked) at lunch and still thinks that “Porky’s” is the best movie ever produced.  This relationship will be joining the Titanic in no time at all.  Because the time factor is so short, and the nasty quirks are slightly stronger than the qualities, they don’t stand a chance.

How did this formula come about with the help of movie stars?  Well, look at the examples.  Bogart and Bacall spent a lot of time together on the sets of several movies.  A lot of close time together.  They both were beautiful, charming and provocative people.  Negative qualities were slight and undiscovered.  Their relationship was so mathematically predictable, even a French Lit major could solve the equation.

This formula gets repeated over and over with modern stars with incredible frequency.  Almost every week you can read in one of the paragons of journalistic reportage, like The Enquirer, about two hot stars falling into a relationship after spending many arduous months together on a film.  The time factor is so strong they can’t resist each other.

Of course, these relationships also never work out.  And it’s mathematical.  After a year of marriage/shacking up, the negative qualities start to appear and grow.  Soon they quickly outweigh time and positive qualities.  A break-up follows to the delight of readers everywhere.  This wouldn’t happen with Mr. Smith and Ms. Brown because the time factor has become so large the pet peeves could never overcome it.  There could almost be an argument made that to save the relationship, for the first few years you should try to avoid learning anything bad about your mate.  Build up that quality time so that the math works out.

As with all math formulas there will be countless tests to validate it.  So go ahead and test it to your heart’s (and relationship’s) content.  Plug in your parents.  Try out your sister and that stupid Marine she met at Mardi Gras.  And dare you?  Sure, be brave.  Plug your own relationship into the formula.  

The numbers don’t lie. 

 

Ahh, James Thurber

 

Dementia Don

"If Biden did that, the news media would be screaming 24/7 that he is too old and should be removed from office."

How often do you hear that phrase when someone talks about the antics of Dementia Don? It's daily.

It could be after you hear about him standing up at a meeting with oil CEOs and going to the window to look out and comment about his ballroom.

It could be after he falls asleep during a live press conference, or at a cabinet meeting, or at a large gathering. He does it a lot.

And his speeches sure haven't improved. He's even more scatological and incoherent as usual. One second he'll be talking about how Biden is why the world is upside down and next he'll launch into how mirrors are in the wrong place everywhere.

Because of his huge ankle swelling he can no longer walk in a straight line. At least, that's a forgiving explanation of his ambling walk. If it was Biden the MSM would say it was because he's so old he is one step away from a wheelchair.

He's also been caught on film cussing at protestors or even giving the finger to someone who rubbed him the wrong way. Just like a cranky, dementia addled old man would behave--not a president. 

The only recourse is he should be thrown out of office using the 25th Amendment. A legal way to remove a president who is incapable of leading a country due to physical or mental incapacity. 

Sadly, this won't happen because he's put in his cabinet people who, besides being unqualified, are loyal to him, not to the well being of this country.  They would rather see the country spiral into chaos than do anything to upset Dear Leader. 

So we're stuck with him. Personally, I'm hoping for a stroke.

 

The Thurber Brigade's Annual Story of Christmas

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.  

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.”

Pope vs. Pagan Headgear

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth.

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it.

Join the "Vikings" (on History Channel) as they light the Yule Log

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around.

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

Yes, yes, it's another rerun from the Thurber Brigade.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends.  

1776!

The Republicans are letting Trump do whatever he wants, whether it's not using money allocated by Congress or ignoring the Constitution. This sort of makes sense because conservatives have never really been big advocates of democracy. I blogged about this before, so it seems like a good time to rerun it.

Face it, a lot of what NeoCons do and say just doesn't make sense. You know, things like supporting TFG even though the only conservative thing about him is his unbridled quest for more money for himself. Their complaints about border security even though when they controlled all the levers of government they didn’t do anything to resolve the issue. Their mantra of family values even though countless NeoCon pols get caught abusing women and children.

The most baffling to me, admittedly a person who loves reading and studying history, is their vocal embrace of the Revolutionary War motifs. 

It began with the Tea Party and their tri-corner hats, even though they were protesting basically paying less for insurance (affordable care act). Now they even shout out “1776” at their rallies, even though they are protesting an elected officeholder not a king.

The thing they don't seem to understand is that the Revolutionary War was a conflict brought about by liberals who had the radical idea that man should decide who was ruler, not some god-ordained king.

Conservatives, Torries in England parlance, were opposed to the war and longed to remain loyal to the king. They were against democracy.

Thomas Fleming pointed this out in his book “Liberty: The American Revolution.” “The conservatives wanted to form a union between England and America, but the “firebrands” (those for independence) narrowly won a vote tabling the idea and even with conservatives upset, the idea was eventually expunged from the notes about the meeting of the Continental Congress.”

He further elaborated: “…Convened a meeting of the extralegal Virginia assembly, the conservative majority eagerly endorsed a resolution for a “speedy return of those halcyon days when we lived a free and happy people.” Patrick Henry reposted by resolving that “this colony be immediately put into a state of defense.” The conservatives all but denounced the idea. Henry replied with sentiments that his first biographer converted into immortal phrases: “Gentlemen may cry peace, peace—but there is no peace…I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!””

The NeoCons today still have their old desires for a king. That's why they had an insurrection on January 6, 2020 in an attempt to overthrow the government, renounce a fair election and install The Orange One as their king. In effect, their rally was an anti-1776 affair.

Despite not believing in the principles that formed the basis for our country’s founding, things like equality and justice for all, they embrace terms like freedom and patriotism. They’ll ban books in one moment, then name some group they’ve formed with “Liberty” in the title.

However, they are not patriots. They are nationalists. In other words, they like the accouterments of America but don’t like the ideals. They’ll put an American flag on their pickup truck which they will then use to try to break up a rally for civil rights. They’ll chant “USA, USA!” while breaking windows in the US Capitol.

Their rallies with tons of American and Trump flags don’t resemble the rallies of our Founding Fathers.  They look more like the Nazi rallies in the 1930s or the rallies of the Chinese Communist Party today. They all stir nationalistic pride, but not patriotism.

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised by this behavior though. After all, NeoCons just don’t get history (nor math, science, etc.). They don’t want kids to know about slavery because it might hurt their feelings. Don’t let the kids know that Native Americans were slaughtered and forced off their land because it could lower their self-esteem. They don’t want children to see a drag queen reading books because it might turn those children gay.

So, the NeoCons need to put away their tri-cornered hats. They need to stash those Revolutionary inspired flags that say “don’t tread on me.”  Most of all, they need to stop chanting “1776!” and instead be more honest and shout “Long live the King!”

 

Ahh, James Thurber