Summer Vacation

Hey, it's hot in Texas. We at The Thurber Brigade decided to head somewhere cooler. We'll be back next month with another biting satire, clever essay, or post about this and that. Maybe.

 

The Heat is On: The Texas Seasons

Often you will hear travelers to The Great State mention how they couldn’t live here because they’d miss having the “seasons.”  They wax poetic about seeing the leaves change on trees and remember fondly building snowmen. 

 

Although they could do that here in Texas, the number of days a person could experience those memories is pretty short. Pining for the four seasons up North seems odd to us, because here in Texas, we have eight seasons.

According to your calendar, Summer has just begun.  In Texas, summer is a factor in just about all the seasons.  Ergo, we have many more seasons then the rest of the country.

Here are the seasons in Texas:

• Summer
• Real Summer
• Summer Post Facto
• Fading Summer
• Faux Fall
• Waning Winter
• Spring-ish
• Pre-summer

Now, with climate change the actual dates will fluctuate, but here’s a rough guide to when the seasons occur:

Summer---------------June 22-July 3

Real Summer---------July 4-September 1

Summer Post Facto---September 2-October 5

Fading Summer-------October 6-November 25

Faux Fall--------------November 26-December 23, 26-30

Waning Winter----December 24, 25, 31-January 10

Spring-ish-------------January 11-February 28

Presummer------------March 1-June 21

Most Texans are used to these seasons, and shudder when the temperature drops below 70°.  When that rare occasion happens (usually in Waning Winter), they grab their parkas, huddle in their houses and wonder if it’s the end of the world.

Yes, summer has begun according to your calendar, but here in Texas we all know that it is just a number on a piece of paper—and that piece of paper will probably catch fire when Real Summer gets here.   

So grab yourself a glass of sweetened ice tea, your little floaty device, a good straw cowboy hat and head to the nearest body of water because you’re going to want to keep cool for the next 11 or so months.

It's travel season now and we at The Thurber Brigade wanted to enlighten visitors to Texas about the weather, and so hope you won't mind this little rerun from 2018 (we didn't have time to explain how in Waning Winter temps may be 100 one day and 32 the next).  We're furiously working on another blog that's sure to anger someone as we discuss aspects of the ongoing War Between Men and Women (um, relationships).  Keep cool until then. 

 

 

The Dump Trump List—a rerun from 2020

 Wrote this in 2020 letting people know why they should not vote for Dementia Don again. Most didn't. Whew. But it's worth repeating this because the list is still relevant today—maybe more so. 

From the opening bell, the tRump administration has been a disaster.  From sketchy inaugural donations and lying about crowd size, to today's COVID mishandling and endangering democracy by throwing shade on elections The Orange One's (my preferred reference) time in office has damaged this country. 

So to help jog people's memory, here's a short list of things he's done that the MAJORITY of Americans will find distasteful/illegal/evil/unAmerican.

THE LIST

• Claimed millions voted illegally
• Put children in cages
• Refused to release tax returns
• Denigrated Gold Star family
• Calls free press “enemy of the people”
• Has lied over 15,000+ times

• Gave security clearance to Ivanka and Jared over intelligence objections
• Denigrated John McCain for being a POW
• Thinks of veterans as suckers and losers
• Skipped Normandy ceremony as he didn't want to ruin his hair in the rain

• Politicized masks and other possible ways to mitigate spread of COVID
• Banned Muslims from entering country unless they are from a country he does business with
• Called Nazis very fine people
• Insults allies
• Praises dictators
• Ignored intelligence reports about Russian bounties on US troops
• Called African nations “shithole countries”
• Belittles US generals and believes he knows more then them
• Stole money from his charity and is banned

from having any new ones
• Foreign governments stay in his hotels to curry favors
• Forces government employees to stay in his properties while traveling
• Played golf more than any prez after stating he wouldn't have time to play
• Government must foot bill for his golf excursions which means we have paid his company over 200 times his salary
• Promoted snake oil cures for COVID 

• Donates his salary as a tax dodge because he makes so much off golf trips.
• paid off porn star to remain quiet about sexual affair
• Had sexual affair while wife was pregnant with son
• Promised to build wall along border has only completed three miles of new fence and Mexico will not pay for it
• During campaign his operatives had numerous meeting with Russian agents in order to gain an advantage

• Obstructed investigation into his Russian connections
• Attempted to bribe Ukrainian president for help with his election
• Asked China to help him win re-election
• Impeached for Ukrainian scheme and his obstruction of subsequent investigation 
• Has nearly daily Twitter

tantrums
• Attacks private citizens on Twitter
• Hurls childish nicknames at those he perceives as foes
• Pudges leaders of other countries aside so he can walk at front
• Threw paper towels at hurricane victims
• Removed clean water and air regulations
• Promised to get drug prices lowered, instead the went up
• Drain the swamp? He added more swamp creatures
• Knocked out the teeth of the EPA
• Kicked Dept. of Interior in the

balls
• Dumbed down the Department of Education
• Suspected of being Russian asset
• Supports white supremacy groups 
• Validates racism
• Inherited a good economy, destroyed it
• Highest trade deficit in years
• Started tariff war with China, lost
• Due to tariff war had highest number of small

farm bankruptcies since depression
• Utilized secret police against citizens
• Largest civil unrest in nation since Vietnam years
• Attacked federal judges he didn't like
• Ignored danger of COVID-19

• Ignored scientists on COVID
• Over 220,000 deaths from COVID and climbing
• Downplayed seriousness of COVID
• No national plan to control COVID

• Dismantled pandemic response team prior to outbreak

• Didn’t replenish national supplies of PPE and other medical equipment

• Federal government seized PPE from states who imported it for their state’s use

• Owes millions of dollars, possibly to foreign interests that could compromise US security

• Tax cuts for rich, peanuts for others

• No definitive foreign policy

• To help his business interests, caved to Turkey and betrayed our Kurdish allies

• He has become a laughing stock of other world leaders

• Favorability of US in the world has gone down except in dictatorship countries

• Promoted budget that would diminish Social Security and Medicare

This is not an all-inclusive list, there are tons of regulations meant to protect us he has overridden, countless people he has insulted, untold number

of norms he has violated and more. At least this is a starting point though of why you should not vote to give him four more years. If he is reelected it will be an incomprehensible disaster for this country. So read over this short list one more time and go vote for Joe Biden. Return this country to decency and prominence. Vote The Orange One out.

Ah, James Thurber

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for once again getting off the path of making light of the interaction between men and women.  The Brigade will get back to its usual snarky self next time. Maybe.

The Story of Easter: A Thurber Brigade Rerun

 

Around 300 CE the Cardinal ran up to the Pope while in the most agitated state.  The Pope held up his hand in a calming manner to placate the worried man.

“Calm thyself Cardinal.”

“We have a crisis your excellency!” the Cardinal exclaimed.

“What crisis?”

“The people are dancing around naked and drinking heavily all in the name of Eostre!”

“Well, we can’t have that.  I have a plan though.  Go gather the people around and I will make a declaration.”

So, the Cardinal rushed off and after getting the people clothed and somewhat sober, convinced them to go and hear what the Pope wanted to tell them. 

“People there is a new holiday you should celebrate.  It is one that commemorates the death and resurrection of Jesus.  This holiday will be heretofore known as Easter!” the Pope exclaimed.

The people mumbled amongst themselves and looked questioningly at the Pope.  “Easter?” That sounds suspiciously like our favorite time of the year when we celebrate Eostre,” one man said.

“Um, no, no, it’s not related to Eostre at all,” the Pope assured him.

Monty Python would celebrate Eostre

“It seems strange to celebrate someone’s death,” another peasant said to the Pope.  “I mean, it sounds rather bloody from the description your priests have told us in the past.”

“Yeah, and that story they tell about Jesus sure sounds a lot like the story of Inanna and Horus,” another person shouted.  “I mean, they were killed, went to the underworld and came back.”

“No, no, those stories are just myths. This story of Jesus is real. You can trust me,” the Pope said as convincingly as he could.

“We like Eostre though,” several others chimed in.  “We get to dance and drink, we paint eggs and carry around rabbits to celebrate the new spring and virility.”

“Well, you can still have eggs and rabbits,” the Pope said. 

“Can we dance and drink too?” a man at the back asked.

“Of course you can, although I think it best to keep your clothes on,” the Pope answered.

The people furrowed their brows and wrinkled their noses.  “We’re not sure about this holiday.”

“Oh, you’ll love it,” the Pope assured them. “You’ll have a great time.”

So the people decided to celebrate both holidays.  After all, the more holidays the better.  However, slowly but surely the Pope and his successors convinced them to just celebrate Easter. With time, he also got the people to calm down more and celebrate with less enthusiasm.

The church kept the eggs and rabbits, but got the people to dispense with the dancing and drinking. A small group of pagans didn’t like this turn of events and vowed to one day return the holiday to its more spirited nature. 

Slowly but surely the old Eostre followers have been stressing the eggs and rabbits.  So today you can actually find people telling stories of big rabbits hiding chocolate eggs. They sneakily got the church to offer sunrise services which celebrate an old solar celebration. Also, the pagans convinced the Pope to base the time of Easter on the phases of the moon.  They haven’t been able to bring back the wild dancing, but have had more luck with the drinking aspect with their Easter sales at liquor stores.

So whether you follow celebrations of Horus, Inanna, Eostre/Ostara or Easter we at The Thurber Brigade wish you a pleasant holiday.

Ahhh, James Thurber

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize if this story sounds a little like our annual Christmas story.  We can't help that a certain religion co-opted several Pagan celebrations to try and win over the people. We also apologize to the serious religious types for making fun of the Pope, religion, myths, etc.  We don't regret it, nor doubt the above story has some basis in reality, but we apologize as we want you to continue to enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate. Cheers.

 

 

We're Going Backwards

Late on Friday nights when I’m safely home (admittedly after a few beers) I like to play music videos on the DVD player. Often they're 80s videos, some are hard rock, i.e. AC/DC (which annoys the neighbors because you have to play those loud), or sometimes just a few “chill music” vids because I need to calm down.

However, one of my favorites is Lionel Richie's “All Night Long.” Invariably though this depresses me. It reminds me how we are going backwards nowadays.

The song is about how you can be so strongly moved by something (music) that you just have to keep going. Party all night long. The dancers wear very colorful outfits, surely meant to make a subtle point, and are multi-racial. The dancing includes a wide range of styles with various mixtures of couples.

This was back in the 80s where it was slowly becoming common and acceptable to see a black man dance with a white woman, a white man tango with an Asian female, two males breakdancing together. It made it seem like things were progressing to where we could all live together in harmony.

Then Trump came along and infested the White House. 

Although we knew there were a lot of racists in our country, they at least had become reticent to express it in public. Unlike the old days where Jim Crow was normalized, racism had become a social deviation, something kept quietly amongst a person's cohort or family. Not something you could bring out in public without facing public derision.

Trump enabled racists. Emboldened them. He has tried to make it acceptable in polite society, and criticized those who challenge him as weak-wristed Libtards or overly PC elites.

Thanks to him, we see an increase in right-wing, racist organizations, demonstrators who are unafraid of public shame chanting abusive, racist slogans and public displays of offensive comments to anyone who looks foreign or of a different race than Anglo-Saxon whites. Even the Republican Party seems to have embraced the Trump vitriol and become largely the party of white males.

Although we've had problems with police interactions with civilians, as I noted in my blogs “Tips for Tourists” and “Police reform Part I & II” I don't think we've seen this level of police violence toward minorities since before the 70s. It's as if they are acting as Trump's agents of violence that he often spews at his pep, excuse me, "campaign" rallies.

I long for the days when we could dance the night away regardless of our race, religion, political affiliation or whatever.  

Sure, the video is a make-believe world, but it was a world where people lived together peacefully, where differences were immaterial, where people could dance together in harmony. A world we need to find again.

Ahh, James Thurber

Okay, yes, this is a rerun from August 2019. However, racism, misogyny and hatred of others has gotten worse. It's because the guy in the White House (I don't like to use his name) has made it all acceptable. He's made it so that people who would have been ashamed to express or act in such a manner find it okay to come out of hiding. In the 80s it seemed like we were making so much progress and now it's like we're set back decades. So it is worth sounding the alarm again if it might help slow down this devolution. Make America tolerant again.

 

 

The Theory of Relationship Relativity-redux

After years of devoted research, I’ve made a shocking discovery about relationships.  Love is a mathematical formula.

Sure, this flies in the face of thousands of romantics from the past.  Shakespeare would reject the theory outright.  Burns would chase me through the streets with a red rose (and a stick).  And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Dr. Ruth put out a contract on me.  But it’s true.

I finally came to this conclusion after closely looking at the relationships of movie stars.  After all, aren’t they the modern paradigm of love?  Gossip magazines spend thousands of dollars to snap wedding pictures of Posh Spice and her soccer man.  Everyone at work gathers around the coffee pot to discuss Madonna’s latest flame.  So they are perfect laboratory love rats, no offense to any rats out there.

The formula is this:

LOVE= amount of time with a person  x  the qualities you like about the person

        ÷ those pet peeves that drive you crazy

Let me give you an example.  Mr. Smith has loved his high school sweetheart for 10 years.  Ms. Brown served on the student council and lead the cheers at football games and looks incredible in a tight Angora sweater.  However, she snaps her chewing gum, hates to cook, cleans her house once every decade and wears perfume from K-Mart.

For the most part, the qualities and pet peeves are fairly even.  However, because of the length of time they have been dating, they will enter relationship heaven.

Example B.  Gail has dated Roger for close to a year now.  He works for the Shark, Curmudgeon and Bitter law firm as a junior partner, often gets confused for Brad Pitt and owns stock in IBM, Exxon and Ben & Jerry’s.  However, she’s recently learned that his favorite pastime is nude, Jell-O wrestling, munches on a whole onion (uncooked) at lunch and still thinks that “Porky’s” is the best movie ever produced.  This relationship will be joining the Titanic in no time at all.  Because the time factor is so short, and the nasty quirks are slightly stronger than the qualities, they don’t stand a chance.

How did this formula come about with the help of movie stars?  Well, look at the examples.  Bogart and Bacall spent a lot of time together on the sets of several movies.  A lot of close time together.  They both were beautiful, charming and provocative people.  Negative qualities were slight and undiscovered.  Their relationship was so mathematically predictable, even a French Lit major could solve the equation.

This formula gets repeated over and over with modern stars with incredible frequency.  Almost every week you can read in one of the paragons of journalistic reportage, like The Enquirer, about two hot stars falling into a relationship after spending many arduous months together on a film.  The time factor is so strong they can’t resist each other.

Of course, these relationships also never work out.  And it’s mathematical.  After a year of marriage/shacking up, the negative qualities start to appear and grow.  Soon they quickly outweigh time and positive qualities.  A break-up follows to the delight of readers everywhere.  This wouldn’t happen with Mr. Smith and Ms. Brown because the time factor has become so large the pet peeves could never overcome it.  There could almost be an argument made that to save the relationship, for the first few years you should try to avoid learning anything bad about your mate.  Build up that quality time so that the math works out.

As with all math formulas there will be countless tests to validate it.  So go ahead and test it to your heart’s (and relationship’s) content.  Plug in your parents.  Try out your sister and that stupid Marine she met at Mardi Gras.  And dare you?  Sure, be brave.  Plug your own relationship into the formula.  

The numbers don’t lie. 

 

Ahh, James Thurber

 

Dementia Don

"If Biden did that, the news media would be screaming 24/7 that he is too old and should be removed from office."

How often do you hear that phrase when someone talks about the antics of Dementia Don? It's daily.

It could be after you hear about him standing up at a meeting with oil CEOs and going to the window to look out and comment about his ballroom.

It could be after he falls asleep during a live press conference, or at a cabinet meeting, or at a large gathering. He does it a lot.

And his speeches sure haven't improved. He's even more scatological and incoherent as usual. One second he'll be talking about how Biden is why the world is upside down and next he'll launch into how mirrors are in the wrong place everywhere.

Because of his huge ankle swelling he can no longer walk in a straight line. At least, that's a forgiving explanation of his ambling walk. If it was Biden the MSM would say it was because he's so old he is one step away from a wheelchair.

He's also been caught on film cussing at protestors or even giving the finger to someone who rubbed him the wrong way. Just like a cranky, dementia addled old man would behave--not a president. 

The only recourse is he should be thrown out of office using the 25th Amendment. A legal way to remove a president who is incapable of leading a country due to physical or mental incapacity. 

Sadly, this won't happen because he's put in his cabinet people who, besides being unqualified, are loyal to him, not to the well being of this country.  They would rather see the country spiral into chaos than do anything to upset Dear Leader. 

So we're stuck with him. Personally, I'm hoping for a stroke.