Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 30, 2026

The Heat is On: The Texas Seasons

Often you will hear travelers to The Great State mention how they couldn’t live here because they’d miss having the “seasons.”  They wax poetic about seeing the leaves change on trees and remember fondly building snowmen. 
 
Although they could do that here in Texas, the number of days a person could experience those memories is pretty short. Pining for the four seasons up North seems odd to us, because here in Texas, we have eight seasons.

According to your calendar, Summer has just begun.  In Texas, summer is a factor in just about all the seasons.  Ergo, we have many more seasons then the rest of the country.
Here are the seasons in Texas:
  • Summer
  • Real Summer
  • Summer Post Facto
  • Fading Summer
  • Faux Fall
  • Waning Winter
  • Spring-ish
  • Pre-summer
Now, with climate change the actual dates will fluctuate, but here’s a rough guide to when the seasons occur:


Summer---------------June 22-July 3

Real Summer---------July 4-September 1

Summer Post Facto---September 2-October 5

Fading Summer-------October 6-November 25

Faux Fall--------------November 26-December 23, 26-30

Waning Winter----December 24, 25, 31-January 10

Spring-ish-------------January 11-February 28

Presummer------------March 1-June 21
Most Texans are used to these seasons, and shudder when the temperature drops below 70°.  When that rare occasion happens (usually in Waning Winter), they grab their parkas, huddle in their houses and wonder if it’s the end of the world.
Yes, summer has begun according to your calendar, but here in Texas we all know that it is just a number on a piece of paper—and that piece of paper will probably catch fire when Real Summer gets here.   

So grab yourself a glass of sweetened ice tea, your little floaty device, a good straw cowboy hat and head to the nearest body of water because you’re going to want to keep cool for the next 11 or so months.


It's travel season now and we at The Thurber Brigade wanted to enlighten visitors to Texas about the weather, and so hope you won't mind this little rerun from 2018 (we didn't have time to explain how in Waning Winter temps may be 100 one day and 32 the next).  We're furiously working on another blog that's sure to anger someone as we discuss aspects of the ongoing War Between Men and Women (um, relationships).  Keep cool until then. 
 
 

Thursday, February 29, 2024

The Interview

This is an interview that I did for Smashwords, the company that published two of my e-books. It is slowly being absorbed by a different company, and so the interview was bound for the wayside. I decided I wanted it to hang around longer, so have included it in The Thurber Brigade. I think you’ll especially enjoy the anecdote about my English teacher.

 

 

What inspires you to write?

As a kid, I was terrible in English class (btw, I did great in my first German class). I absolutely hated having to diagram sentences and figure out what a past participle had to do with what I said. However, I loved telling stories. So, it wasn’t until I got to my first year of college that I ran into an English teacher that understood me. After my first writing assignment, he called me in and talked to me and wondered what was going on. I must have said something clever, because after that he told the class that our writing assignments would have two grades: one for grammar/structure the other for content. In other words, while other students wrote impressive papers that got every gerund and comma in perfect alignment, my stories excited people and kept them reading. And thanks to that English teacher, I not only passed his class with a B (thanks to his new grading style), I was inspired to try writing for fun instead of just for class. 

 

Tell us about your writing process.

When I first began writing I wrote everything down on a notepad, then would type it so that it was readable to others (I have atrocious penmanship). Eventually I could afford a computer so I would still use the notepad, but with a computer I no longer had to master “whiteout” or correction tape. Whew. Nowadays, I seem to take my iPad to coffee shops and write down the story there, but then transfer it to my computer where I flesh it all out. I still occasionally will wake up in the middle of the night and write something down on paper. Invariably though I wake up the next morning and have a hell of a time reading what I wrote. Maybe I should put my iPad next to the bed.

What's the story behind your latest book?

When I was a little kid, I remember going to my grandmother's house and discovering she had a bunch of TV/Movie gossip magazines. After making sure the adults were not looking, I'd grab a few and browse through them. I was mainly excited by the provocative pictures (I had a pretty strait-laced family and hey, I was a kid), but some of the stories caught my eye too. Years later I thought about these magazines and realized there existed a disconnect between Midwesterners like my Grandma and the Hollywood types. I decided to write about how we all have different ideas about each other and sometimes, they can shape our lives and beliefs. "Writing Trash and Hunting Buffalo" shows what happens when a man who has lived by these stereotypes and hates the ones he has of Tinsel Town people soon becomes similar to them. 

 

Do you listen (or talk to) to your characters?

Years ago, I took a screenwriting class and the instructor urged us to use character profile sheets to get a better picture of what made that character tick. I would include items like scars, facial tics, odd habits. I began using these for all my writing endeavors, from short stories to books and found that I was soon not only visualizing them, but I was often having them over for dinner or running into them at bars. Well, in my mind anyway. Half the time I talk to myself is really me talking to them as opposed to making some snarky comment about something I just encountered.

Jay's current (messy) desk


Do you have any advice for new authors?

If you want to write to gain fame and fortune, you’d be better off trying to get on American Idol instead. Write because you like to tell stories (or whatever internal reason you may have).

Jay's writing office 1985
What authors, or books have influenced you?

Kurt Vonnegut’s “Breakfast of Champions,” Douglas Adams “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,” Ludlum’s “Bourne” series, everything by James Thurber. I also was inspired by Leon Uris, James Michener, Mark Twain… Darn, the list could go on, but those are in the top bracket. 

 

What motivated you to become an indie author?

I had been sending my manuscripts out with little success, but believed strongly in the stories. So, I had a few bucks left over after taxes and decided to give eBooks a try. Sure, I’ll never be a legend but at least my voice will be out there with everyone else.

Jay at his desk circa the 90s
What advice would you give other writers?

There’s a great passage in “QB VII” by Leon Uris that explains what I think writers need to do:

“It came my time to speak at the banquet. I studied the tense, eager faces as I approached the rostrum. “Who here wants to be a writer?” I asked. Everyone in the room raised his hand. “Why the hell aren’t you home writing?” I said, and left the stage. That ended my career in writers’ seminars."

What do you think about the future of book publishing?

Well, there will always be a place for paper books because when you go hiking in the backwoods it’s pretty impractical to take your e-Reader with you. However, looking at how much phone usage has changed the way we communicate verbally, I have to believe that e-books will eventually have a bigger place in our personal libraries. The last five books I read were on my iPad. I can carry hundreds of them in that little thing. 

 

What book marketing techniques have been most effective for you?

Wish I had a best method. I’ve used Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, et al and have not noticed any change in sales.

Puck, Jay's copy (cat) editor hard at work
What are you working on next?

I have several books I’m working on, both are mystery/adventure style books and follow-ups to my “Tax Break,” which is about a man who planted a bomb at the IRS and is chased cross-country by the Feds and an Austin cop. I'll also continue to blog to keep honing my short-form writing (well, and to get my opinion out in the world). 

 

 

Ahhh, James Thurber

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize if this blog seems like a cop-out, similar to the great rerun blog. There were plenty of clever ideas for a blog this month, but I decided that this interview includes several witty ideas, and because I wanted it included with The Brigade writings, decided to forge ahead. We at The Brigade promise to come up with some pointed blog about relationships or "The War Between Men and Women" real soon. Maybe.

 


Friday, June 30, 2023

The Swift Years

In colonial times, a popular way to spread the news and your opinion was through pamphlets. One of the most famous American pamphleteers was Thomas Paine and his renowned “Common Sense” pamphlets. He was instrumental in informing the public about why they should resist the British and embrace a new way. That radical liberal idea was that they could be a country not ruled by a god-ordained king, but by free thinking men.
In the 80s I decided to embrace this form of writing. I started publishing “Swift's Eye.” Named after Jonathan Swift, an English satirist who probably did a few pamphlets himself besides writing clever books like “Gulliver's Travels.”
So while I scribbled witty satirical short stories and labored on numerous blockbuster books, I took time to pen some clever and biting political rhetoric and put them in a handy, user-friendly form. A paper pamphlet.
As a side note, I thought I was really clever because part of their charm was that I tried different folding techniques for the pamphlet. Most were fold in half, then in half again, but I once tried a tri-fold, often set a page up that required it be completely unfolded and often ran typed across folds. Okay, it might not have been that clever.
I created them on a typewriter so I always had to have a mock up in order to know how far to type and whether I needed to turn the page upside down to type the next page (because of the fold). There were some pages I used what is called “press type” as you have to press it down with a special tool. It's a real slow process and you had to use something to make sure it was level. So this pamphlet was pretty labor intensive. Nowadays it would be so easy with the use of a computer, but back then about the only people with those were engineers, computer programmers and a few rich people.
Like the colonial time pamphleteers, Swift Eye was political. I mainly attacked Reagan, but often had something about the environment or other hot topics of the time. Of course, as a satirical short story writer, most of the time it was funny or humorous. My favorite one was the one that made fun of Reagan's wife penchant to turn to astrology for answers.
In total, I think I only had five to six issues of Swift’s Eye. I liked doing them, but because they were so labor intensive and I never thought they made as big of an impact as I desired, I lost interest in the mode. Instead, I just hunkered down and put more energy in putting the same ideas and concepts in my short stories. Many of those got published and to keep them alive I included them on my web site so they’ll live on in the electronic world for years.

James Thurber would have approved of my pamphlets because not only were there clever articles and statements, but many interesting images. Maybe not as good as his cartoons, but still fun for the reader.  Yes, you guessed it. This blog not only acts as a way for me to put my pamphlets in the electronic universe, but it’s also a way to look fondly back at the 80s. Ahhhh, the 80s.

Ahh, James Thurber



Friday, April 10, 2020

A Thurber Rerun: The Story of Easter


Around 300 CE the Cardinal ran up to the Pope while in the most agitated state.  The Pope held up his hand in a calming manner to placate the worried man.

“Calm thyself Cardinal.”

“We have a crisis your excellency!” the Cardinal exclaimed.
“What crisis?”

“The people are dancing around naked and drinking heavily all in the name of Eostre!”

“Well, we can’t have that.  I have a plan though.  Go gather the people around and I will make a declaration.”

So, the Cardinal rushed off and after getting the people clothed and somewhat sober, convinced them to go and hear what the Pope wanted to tell them. 

“People there is a new holiday you should celebrate.  It is one that commemorates the death and resurrection of Jesus.  This holiday will be heretofore known as Easter!” the Pope exclaimed.
The people mumbled amongst themselves and looked questioningly at the Pope.  “Easter?” That sounds suspiciously like our favorite time of the year when we celebrate Eostre,” one man said.

“Um, no, no, it’s not related to Eostre at all,” the Pope assured him.
  Monty Python would celebrate Eostre
“It seems strange to celebrate someone’s death,” another peasant said to the Pope.  “I mean, it sounds rather bloody from the description your priests have told us in the past.”
“Yeah, and that story they tell about Jesus sure sounds a lot like the story of Inanna and Horus,” anther person shouted.  “I mean, they were killed, went to the underworld and came back.”

“No, no, those stories are just myths. This story of Jesus is real. You can trust me,” the Pope said as convincingly as he could.

“We like Eostre though,” several others chimed in.  “We get to dance and drink, we paint eggs and carry around rabbits to celebrate the new spring and virility.”

“Well, you can still have eggs and rabbits,” the Pope said. 

“Can we dance and drink too?” a man at the back asked.

“Of course you can, although I think it best to keep your clothes on,” the Pope answered.
The people furrowed their brows and wrinkled their noses.  “We’re not sure about this holiday.”

“Oh, you’ll love it,” the Pope assured them. “You’ll have a great time.”
So the people decided to celebrate both holidays.  After all, the more holidays the better.  However, slowly but surely the Pope and his successors convinced them to just celebrate Easter. With time, he also got the people to calm down more and celebrate with less enthusiasm.

The church kept the eggs and rabbits, but got the people to dispense with the dancing and drinking. A small group of pagans didn’t like this turn of events and vowed to one day return the holiday to its more spirited nature. 
Slowly but surely the old Eostre followers have been stressing the eggs and rabbits.  So today you can actually find people telling stories of big rabbits hiding chocolate eggs. They sneakily got the church to offer sunrise services which celebrate an old solar celebration. Also, the pagans convinced the Pope to base the time of Easter on the phases of the moon.  They haven’t been able to bring back the wild dancing, but have had more luck with the drinking aspect with their Easter sales at liquor stores.
So whether you follow celebrations of Horus, Inanna, Eostre/Ostara or Easter we at The Thurber Brigade wish you a pleasant holiday.
 Ahhh, James Thurber

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize if this rerun sounds a little like our annual Christmas story.  We can't help that a certain religion co-opted several Pagan celebrations to try and win over the people. We also apologize to the serious religious types for making fun of the Pope, religion, myths, etc.  We don't regret it, nor doubt the above story has some basis in reality, but we apologize as we want you to continue to enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate. Cheers.  

Friday, June 22, 2018

The Texas Seasons


Often you will hear travelers to The Great State mention how they couldn’t live here because they’d miss having the “seasons.”  They wax poetic about seeing the leaves change on trees and remember fondly building snowmen. 
 
Although they could do that here in Texas, the number of days a person could experience those memories is pretty short. Pining for the four seasons up North seems odd to us, because here in Texas, we have eight seasons.

According to your calendar, Summer has just begun.  In Texas, summer is a factor in just about all the seasons.  Ergo, we have many more seasons then the rest of the country.
Here are the seasons in Texas:
  • Summer
  • Real Summer
  • Summer Post Facto
  • Fading Summer
  • Faux Fall
  • Waning Winter
  • Spring-ish
  • Pre-summer
Now, with climate change the actual dates will fluctuate, but here’s a rough guide to when the seasons occur:


Summer---------------June 22-July 3

Real Summer---------July 4-September 1

Summer Post Facto---September 2-October 5

Fading Summer-------October 6-November 25

Faux Fall--------------November 26-December 23, 26-30

Waning Winter----December 24, 25, 31-January 10

Spring-ish-------------January 11-February 28

Presummer------------March 1-June 21
Most Texans are used to these seasons, and shudder when the temperature drops below 70°.  When that rare occasion happens (usually in Waning Winter), they grab their parkas, huddle in their houses and wonder if it’s the end of the world.
Yes, summer has begun according to your calendar, but here in Texas we all know that it is just a number on a piece of paper—and that piece of paper will probably catch fire when Real Summer gets here.   

So grab yourself a glass of sweetened ice tea, your little floaty device, a good straw cowboy hat and head to the nearest body of water because you’re going to want to keep cool for the next 11 or so months.


We at The Thurber Brigade wanted to enlighten visitors to Texas about the weather, and so hope you won't mind this little sidestep (we didn't have time to explain how in Waning Winter temps may be 100 one day and 32 the next).  We're furiously working on another blog that's sure to anger someone as we discuss aspects of the ongoing War Between Men and Women (um, relationships).  Keep cool until then. 

 

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The London Manifesto: a Thurber Brigade Sidestep


As rogue members of The Thurber Brigade, we declare that the recent London terrorist acted in accordance to the wishes of our group: British Are Redcoat Facists (BARF).

We have never forgiven the British for their treatment of American colonists. Whether it was setting NYC on fire or hanging our loyal comrades who fought in the militias, we will not forget their atrocities. Regardless of the years where they "claimed" to be our allies, nor that it happened over 200 years ago, we will never forget.

Although some other irrelevant and foolish groups claim responsibility for the attack on London, it should be abundantly clear to the world that the attacker followed our guidance and ideals.

— Over the years he has proven he wanted to rebel against the Bloody Brits by callously flaunting their laws.

— Like a huge portion of the American populace, his weapon of choice was the automobile (40,000+ American deaths by auto in 2016)

— Just as a large percentage of Americans have been incarcerated for various crimes, he too was a lifelong adherent to the criminal lifestyle.

We at BARF will continue to rebel against the evil British Empire and will combat their atrocious attempts to Anglicize the world with their hideous tea and scones at 4 p.m. (Tea Time), their wanton embrace of musical diversity, their absurd love of an anachronistic monarch, and especially their insane belief that soccer must be called football.

Our struggle will continue unabated and forever.  Long live the BARF rebellion!

 

We at The Thurber Brigade (the non-rogue element) wish to apologize for this sidestep. We believe this cheap attempt at satire to ridicule ISIS and other terrorist groups who like to claim all criminal acts as a result of their bizarre beliefs is, well, futile.  To think that terrorist groups are logical or intelligent or rational enough to understand how their misinterpretation of religious dogma is not a valid reason to carry out atrocities doesn't make sense. They're nuts. They don't understand their own religion, how could they possibly understand satire? We at The Thurber Brigade promise to get back on track with the next blog. Really.
————————
Legal Disclaimer: The Thurber Brigade legal staff has advised us that we must declare that we are NOT responsible for the terrorist attack in London, nor do we support any act of violence.  However, we do claim credit for the invention of the pet brick, Jello ice cream, sunny days at the beach and are proud sponsors of the Marty Feldman Fan Club.  

 

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The General(ist)


One of the funniest TV shows to air happened years ago: Seinfeld.  A "show about nothing."  In one particular hilarious episode, the gang wandered aimlessly around a mall parking lot looking for their car.  Jerry desperately needs "to go" and Kramer suggests he just go in the corner.  He comes up with some excuse why he believes it is okay, so Jerry shrugs and goes off to do his business.  Of course, he gets arrested.

The reason I bring this up, besides that it's a fun memory from the past, is that this happens in the show all the time.  The characters always just accept each other's statement as truth.  They believe the person knows what he/she talks about.  All forms of mayhem usually follow and we get to enjoy their antics to try to overcome the situation.
This is similar in blogging.  When we bloggers type out our posts, most people assume we're experts, or at least, know what we're talking about.  Oh, I'm sure in some cases this could be true especially if it is some specific and maybe technical subject (How to bake the perfect birthday cake, etc.), but for the most part the reality is that we are "Generalists.”  We speak in generalities or with a biased perspective.We know a little about a lot.
 


My classic example concerns the blog I wrote about women drivers.  Boy, did that piss off some radical feminists (ok, maybe a number of none extreme females too).  The reason why they became outraged was because when I said, "women were indecisive drivers" they equated it to mean ALL women were that way--even though I never said a quantity.  They didn't take it into account that maybe it could just be some, a few, or, what it really was, only the handful I have encountered at a 4-way stop.  I generalized.

I see this in other blogs all the time, especially women's blogs.  They rant about evil men and how we may have only evolved slightly in the past millennia--which may be true--but more than likely should be thought of as a general statement about some of the guys she knows.
We see this a LOT in politicians.  They are experts in talking generally.  This is so they can walk back what they said after it's shown they are complete assholes.

"The media mis-represented what I said" is the most common way for them to escape the firestorm they created by opening their mouths.
As you can guess, advertisers specialize in this.  With words like "natural" "organic" "environmentally-friendly" and other general words, they twist and turn the truth to their liking.  What?  You thought that apple you bought was organic?  Well, it is a fruit and grows on a tree, so yeah, it's organic.  It also is sprayed with insecticide, fed weird chemicals to help it grow and goes through other less than natural processes.  But it is organic.
Sometimes the government will step in and insist there be a little less generality to a statement.  For example, a drink can't call itself  "juice" unless it's 100% from the fruit.  In other words, orange juice is different than orange drink which might have all forms of other ingredients included. But even here they can be sneaky. For example, a cherry drink could say it has real juice in it, but that juice might not be the cherry you think it should have.  Most likely it's grape juice with cherry flavoring. The ad would be something like this: Blobo Cherry Drink-with real juice.

Ah, generality.

So just like you should look with skepticism at advertising, especially that by politicians, remember to be cautious about us bloggers too.  Most bloggers welcome, and encourage, comments.  So the next time a blogger tells you "a funny thing happened to me today," be sure and ask if it really happened today, did it really happen to him/her or a person near him/her and maybe whether he/she might be embellishing a bit?  Be friendly though.  We bloggers have very fragile egos (generally speaking).