Saturday, May 17, 2014

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

It had to happen. If you blog about men and women you invariably are going to talk about driving. We so often hear about how women hate riding with men, and men have been mumbling under their breath for years about women drivers (they don't dare say it aloud if they want to maintain sexual relations). So since I don't want to avoid it any longer let me broach the subject.

For centuries women have complained that men will never ask directions
 This was probably even true back in the Wild West:

"Homer, why don't you pull this wagon train over and ask that man with the painted face which way to go to find Oregon?"
"Now Mable, I know exactly where we're headed. We just head to the left of that cactus and straight on for two days and we'll be sipping cool water from the Columbia."
This is of course how white men discovered Utah.

Men have just the opposite feeling about women driving. Women are hopelessly indecisive. We guys know that if we come to a four-way stop and our opponent to the right is female, that no matter if she has the right of way, we will go first. This is because if we pause she will just sit there, frozen with fear that it might not be her turn and not sure what to do next. I remember one time walking to a corner and I observed one female wait for three drivers to go before she finally took her turn. And she had arrived at the intersection first!
 This indecisiveness is also played out in their decisions about speed. While men are prone to push a speed limit, usually driving five miles over it, women will do the opposite and go five miles under it--at a minimum. This is because they are so sure that if they do drive the speed limit, no matter how slow, if they go too fast they will surely miss their turn.

Now, I admit I have run into one or two women who like to go fast. However, they can't completely overcome their female habits and in situations they are not comfortable with, will invariably slow down. For example, say they are in the middle of three lanes and encounter two semi's in the other two lanes going the same speed. A male would liken this to football and see himself as a running back finding a big hole. He'd push the peddle to the metal and blitz between the two behemoths.
A female on the other hand is likely to either slow down and get behind one of them, or grip the wheel tightly and gently ease between the two trucks. She'd eventually emerge on the other side within five minutes and if there's been no other obstacle, resume her faster speed.

However, what really drives me crazy with indecisive women drivers is at traffic lights. The worst case is the Latent Signaler.  This is the woman who won't turn on her turn signal until she is actually making the turn. 

For example, say you are approaching a red light on a four-lane street. A car is stopped in the left lane, but not signaling. You plan to go straight and thinking the driver ahead is doing the same, will ease in behind. Suddenly you realize the error as you notice it's a female, but now it's too late to get in the right lane because it's packed.

The light changes and she immediately turns on her turn signal just as she starts her turn. She won't turn until it's absolutely clear, so even the only opponent is a guy waiting to turn opposite her (in other words, safe for her to turn) she will wait until he turns and then make her turn. You will invariably miss the light and have to waist through the next cycle.

The Creeper really drives me bonkers. This one always befuddles me, as I can't understand the logic behind the action. Basically what happens is the female comes to a stop at a red light well behind the driver ahead. 
She will then slowly creep forward. So if you are stuck behind her your choices are to put your car in gear and creep ahead too (invoking the wrath of the drivers behind you) or stay put which will create a gigantic gap and either inspire a person in the next lane to pull into it, or also engendering the wrath of those behind for not keeping a proper space. My guess on why women do this is again their indecisiveness. They are afraid of getting to close as they might be about to miss a turn they didn't realize, or maybe they are afraid they will offend the driver ahead if the get too close. No matter, it drives us guys crazy as we slowly inch forward at a red. Just pull up and stop!

This only begins to touch the surface of the driving techniques of females vs. those of men, so it may require a part two if I decide the Brigade needs to veer this way again. This is after all, one of the major battlefields in The War BetweenMen and Women.

She can drive my car.
(come on, you knew I was going to use at least one picture of a scantily-clad female)


  1. I'm astounded you're single.

  2. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I was really hoping this blog would generate a lot of comments (my other blogs seem to be ignored) and bring out some angry folks as driving seems to be a hot button. Oh well. One reason for my status is I stopped out of dating five years ago because of a lousy blind date. Maybe I should blog about that...