The Thurber Brigade's Annual "Story of Christmas"

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.   

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.”

 

Pagan Shaman vs Pope Headgear 

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth. 

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it.

Be sure and watch "Vikings" on The History Channel

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around. 

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

 The Thurber Brigade apologizes for using this rerun once again.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends.

He Had It Coming

A judge in Portland has been criticized by civil rights groups and the local community for handing down a light sentence to a woman who attacked and robbed a local businessman.

Judge Judy Pattibone only sentenced Belinda Shoemaker to time served in her case of assaulting John Finemann last March. Shoemaker claimed that Finemann had shown interest in her and consented to the assault. They had met at a local nightclub where both consumed several “adult beverages.”

Shoemaker claimed that Finemann then willingly invited her to his apartment where the alleged assault occurred.  She also claimed that once there, Finemann commenced to entice her by displaying his fine furniture and $10,000 stereo system. He also showed off a top of the line television and home movie theater. The assault happened shortly after this according to court documents.

“Does the evidence out-rule the possibility that she was attracted to the gentleman and was open to meeting someone and taking his equipment by force?” Shoemaker's defense lawyer said in court.

“You have to look at the way he was dressed and his exquisite possessions. He was wearing a tailored suit with silk tie," she said, according to the Portland Examiner.

Civil rights protestors gathered outside the court and waved ties and carried signs declaring that fashionable clothing did not mean consent to be beaten and robbed.

Using a tie as evidence of implied consent was considered victim-blaming by many angry wealthy men on social media, who started publishing pictures of their ties using the #ThisIsNotConsent hashtag.

This case parallels one last year in which several wealthy men were beaten and had their cars stolen.  In both cases jurors found the defendants not guilty, much to the dismay of car dealers and expensive car owners.

“He had it coming to him,” stated one juror, who wished not to be identified. “Did you see the leather seats and computerized dashboard?  How could people resist not taking the car by any means available with such overwhelming enticements?  You go out in public looking hot in a car like that and you should expect to be beaten and vandalized.”

In all the cases the ACLU has declared they would assist the victims in appealing the decisions.  “Just dressing in fine clothes or driving overly expensive automobiles does not mean that the people involved have granted consent to be robbed and beaten,” Rodney Weatherall of the ACLU stated.

Public opinion on this issue is fairly divided and the issue will unlikely be resolved any time soon.  Organizations representing the wealthy have advised people to use more discretion in public until they can successfully lobby Congress using massive amounts of money to pass laws that explicitly deal with this subject. Fact finding trips to Paris and Rome to investigate at length have already been scheduled for next year.

Yes.  The Thurber Brigade does think that this is obviously wrong.  How a person looks, dresses, what he/she owns, etc. is never a reason to assault someone.  However, for some reason, when the case involves a female dressed provocatively, the courts and public opinion have a different mind.  We at The Brigade often talk about sex and sexuality as well as post pictures of scantily clad females (sometimes men). It doesn't mean we believe any of those grants a person consent to assault or take advantage of another person. Ever.

Bizarro World Politics

Dateline Portland, Oregon—Today marks the 60th political rally for President Bernie Clinton. Many pundits have chastised him for spending the other 10 days he's been in office in his bowling alley in Florida, but his staffers have assured the media that the majority of his time is spent in Executive Time. Executive Time has not been explained, but many believe he spends it listening to “Prairie Home Companion” on the radio.

As usual, the president began his rally by attacking his former opponent, Donald McConnell, who mysteriously disappeared from the planet after the election.  This hasn't seemed to bother or dissuade the president from his attacks.

“Dastardly Donnie should be held accountable for his use of an illegal Facebook account. Yet the FBI refuses to take action,” Clinton declared at his rally.

“Fire him up!  Fire him up!” He zealous supporters chanted.

“The totally balanced Mole News network nit picks every minute detail of my life and gives people the impression that I am unstable.  They are completely distorted in their microscopic reports!” Clinton charged.

“Distorted news! “Distorted News,” his adherents vocalized.

Earlier in the day a fire engulfed a bank that only allowed millionaires to utilize their services. The suspected arsonist was apprehended shortly afterwards and investigators discovered he was a  rabid adherent to President BC's ideology. His electric car was plastered with pro-BC bumper stickers. Asked about it at a news conference the president stated that he did not condone fire, but also said that the use of water from McConnell's followers was equally bad.

Who's Tom Tomorrow?

 

Many critics of the president have stated they believe that his inflammatory rhetoric at his political rallies incited people to use fire recklessly. When grilled about his fire euphemisms at rallies, he stated that the media needed to focus on real news and also said he believed that their reporting was what caused rampant arsonism.

The president plans several more rallies before next week's election, and will include the famous Soros Brothers Fire twirlers as well as the Pelosi Flame magicians.  



 

 Ahhh, James Thurber

The Thurber Brigade once again apologizes for this side step into bizarro politics, but considering the recent violent events that have inflamed the nation, decided the only recourse was a little sarcasm and satire. We promise to get back to The War Between Men and Women (relationships) next time. Maybe.
 

The Dick Pic Blog

Sometimes we encounter creatures, events, stories or people that just don't seem to make sense.  Things like the duck-billed platypus.  Women who can't comprehend four-way stops.  The popularity of the Kardashians. How a failed businessman and blatant racist got elected president. However, one of the biggest phenomena today has to be why do men send women “dick pics?”

I've postulated, and written (Ch. 8 of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE), that if a male wanted to do something visual to impress a female, a better picture to send might be of your wallet—assuming it's a fat one.  Or, as I’ve suggested to several guys I’ve run into in bars who were hitting on females, flash them your credit card.

The logic seems baffling to me.  Does the person really think that sending a picture of their sexual organ will somehow cause the female victim to swoon?  If that is the case, the person obviously has no clue about the opposite sex.

Besides that they are clueless, there are two other possible reasons on why some men goofily send a female a dick pic.

One is that they mistakenly believe that women are like men and are stimulated easily by visual cues.  Guys get stimulated by something as slight as a peek at a woman's navel (via bare midriff). Or, they might get hot if a woman wears a dress that exposes bare shoulders. Women don't respond to visual stimuli—like the human body—as men do.  This is why we see dozens of topless joints in towns, but only one male strip joint (which goes out of business within two months).  It's why there are a zillion men's porn mags/web sites, but a handful of female ones.

Oh sure, women put on a good act sometimes, such as at bachelorette parties, but the evidence is quite conclusive.  They're more stimulated by the dreamy/romantic mental image of a man than the actual sight of one.  You know, the old knight on a white horse swooping in to pick up the damsel in distress motif.  They don't want to see his body parts, they just want the fantasy. 

The second reason for men assaulting women with images of their “members” is something I’ve blogged about several times.  Some men are good at interactions with females while hunting, you know, casting pick-up lines, some are not so good.  In other words, the guys who have more success picking up women know better, the others, well, they're still in the Neanderthal stage.  The guys you see on the street who whistle or make rude remarks to passing females probably have an iPhone full of pictures of their “Johnson,” or “thrill drill” (among other funny names).

By no means do I believe that this is normal behavior.  However, as noted above, I do think it’s explainable.  Face it, men have been doing weird things due to females for centuries.  From starting a war over Helen of Troy, to buying an expensive car to impress an ex-girlfriend, we guys have an endless array of goofy behaviors.  This one just seems a little more off-kilter since it’s so, um, personal.

Oh, and just in case you wondered, no, I’ve never sent a dick pic.  However, I do distinctly remember sending a picture of someone (not me) giving the finger.  Yeah, it may have been to an ex-girlfriend.  Oops.

WARNING: The Thurber Brigade is about to publish one of the most vile, disgusting Dick Pics ever.  For the weak of heart and those who get offended easily, we suggest you look away now:

Dick Cheney

(How this Dick isn’t in prison for treason for outing a CIA agent or for war profiteering, we do not know.)

No Tweets

As much as Trump criticizes the press, there's no doubt that they made him what he is.  They made him president.

He spent very little money during primary season. The reason: the mainstream news gave him 24/7 coverage.  I remember working out at the gym in front of a bank of TVs and all the news channels were waiting breathlessly as his plane pulled up to some rally. It didn’t seem to matter that he was last in the polls and no one thought much of him as a candidate, they still gave him unprecedented coverage.

I don’t remember any previous election in which a person got so much free attention. As he got more coverage, his name became better known with voters and he garnered more attention. This helped move him up against a big bunch of other pols who didn’t get anywhere near the coverage. We now live with the end result of this unrelenting coverage.

And the media continues this assault on viewers mental faculties by endlessly reporting on his tweets.  It doesn't matter that they are inane, have many misspellings or defame someone, the media happily reports them as if they were bona fide news.

They are not. 

They are also not official policy.

They are not legal documents nor government announcements.

However, they are often inflammatory. They more often than not are lies.  They also are misogynistic and racist on many occasions. They give him an outlet to make outrageous statements.  They allow him to blow off steam in a public manner. They provide him another avenue to disparage the very media who report on the tweets. And worse of all, these tweets promote him but not policy.

So the media need to stop covering these tweets.  Don't mention them, allude to them, nor give them any coverage at all. 

Oh sure, the Republican news network, also called Fox News, would still report them, but that network broadcasts to his hardcore followers anyway.  People who want real news filled with facts do not watch the American version of Pravda.

If the media stopped covering these infantile musings they might actually force him to begin to make official statements like normal presidents have in the past.  He might have to actually hold news conferences in which it would be harder (but not impossible) for him to get away with untruths.

A bigger incentive might be to not give him an outlet to blast the media that he criticizes but desperately craves.  Don't give in to his addiction for attention.

It would be a start.  A start for maybe getting him to behave like an adult, er, President.

The next logical step would be to stop covering his pep rallies disguised as campaign events. He's going to attack the press while there anyway, why cover it?  He always says the same things.  So just send an intern to listen to see if he says anything new, and if he does, don't roll the tape, just briefly mention it. 

There is no reason to keep giving him all this free publicity when he's not saying anything of importance.

So media, stop feeding this narcissistic man's ego and giving him free PR.  The majority of Americans (remember, he lost the popular vote by the largest margin of anyone who claimed the White House) will thank you for the silence.

The Thurber Brigade once again apologizes for taking another sidestep and straying from the ongoing War Between Men and Women (relationships). However, this incessant tweeting by The Orange One and the media coverage has driven us crazy.  So although the concept of the news media ignoring him is not new, we hope that if enough voices complain, maybe we'll stop getting deluged by this crazy and useless bilge emanating from the guy. Sadly, we also know that the media loves attention just as much as him. Sigh. 

 

The Dirty Sex Blog

Here in the United States people consider sex to be dirty. Oh, other western countries may have the same mind set, but it's unlikely—or at least, not as extreme. We won't even begin to imagine the minds in the third world.

Anyway, here in the U.S. if you think about sex all the time, you have a dirty mind.  Likewise, your mind is in the gutter if you think about different sexual positions.  Mention some of these to your girlfriend and she'll probably smile sheepishly, raise an eyebrow and say:

“Oh, you dirty boy.”

In the old days, guys would buy dirty magazines.  No, they weren’t mags that had been dropped in the mud or dirt, they were publications with dirty pictures of women in them.  These were sometimes also called “skin mags,” or “beat-off rags” or “sex books” (not really a book, a magazine).  The proper name would be pornography magazine, or porn mags, but if your mother discovered one in your room, they were always dirty magazines.  Or “filthy” if Mom was really angry. 

They're still around today of course, but now everyone consumes most porn on the internet. That's why it was invented after all. Right?  No one calls it dirty internet, although, I guess, some might say they surfed to a dirty website.

Oh, and it's not just guys who have dirty minds, even though we probably think about sex more often.  You often can hear discussions—or admissions—that someone is a dirty girl.  Or a man might try to taunt his girlfriend into a dirty act by asking “are you a good girl or a dirty girl?”

I bring all of this up because I think this belief system has been extended to our personal hygiene.  Since people believe that sex is dirty, to them it also follows that if you touch your penis your hand is now dirty.  Not because it IS dirty, but the concept is that because the penis might have been involved (or can be involved) in a sex act, your hand is dirty.

 

So if you go to pee, because you have touched your penis you must wash your hands.  Even if you didn’t get any, um, liquid on them.  In truth, your hands are far more dirty than your penis. Your hands have come into contact with doorknobs that have been handled by people with colds. You’ve opened doors using handles touched by folks who sneezed into their hands. You shook the hand of someone who is sweating profusely and has just petted a slobbering dog. You probably type on a computer keyboard that hasn't been cleaned in months.

Truthfully, if you really wanted to be hygienic you’d wash your hands before you touched your penis.  But no, because your penis may take part in dirty acts, better wash your hands after contact.

Some will counter that because your crotch is a rather warm environment it means there's more likelihood of bacteria, so that is why you should wash your hands. However, when you scratch your armpit (which is also in a warm environment) you don’t wash your hands. Plus, your hands get plenty sweaty on their own whenever they are put to use on a warm day. I always have to remind people that sweat is 99% water and is only smelly if it contacts bacteria—it doesn't create it.

So I don't think of sex as a dirty act, don't think I have a dirty mind because I think about sex a lot, and slowly I’m trying to retrain myself into not thinking I have to wash my hands every time I touch my penis.

It's been pounded into my psyche for a lifetime, so it may take awhile. Do your part and don't guilt your offspring into thinking their hands are diseased unless they wash after using the toilet. That's for a Number One of course.  A Number Two they better wash their hands.  I sure don’t want to touch any doorknobs after them if they don’t.

 

(A few words for your dirty mind)

We at The Thurber Brigade hope you enjoyed this “Dirty Blog” and may sometime in the future also tackle other odd concepts here in the U.S.  Concepts such as if you are a loud, blowhard, you are strong, while if you are a quiet guy, you are a sniveling weakling.