Monday, April 20, 2015

She Can, He Can't

What comes to mind when you see a man walking around the women's wear aisle of a department store? The guy is a pervert, right?  I blogged about this a while ago.  Women can get away with browsing in men's underwear at Target, men cannot do the same in the women's underwear section.

Lately, I realized there are quite a few things that women can do that men cannot.

For example:
Man can’t stand beside a car with a flat and wait for someone else to fix it.

No, he can't bend over to show off his butt when a car passes, can't look to be near tears, can't even look pensively at the flat tire and try to elicit sympathy. Any guy who would even try those would be hounded the rest of his life by the thought of inadequacy and impotence (yeah, it's a tough club we're in). People who drive by the scene wouldn't even give it a thought, assuming the guy was going to fix it himself.

Man can’t wear shorts into a biker bar

You've probably seen movies where a guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of milk and within a few minutes a bar fight ensues. This is basically the same scenario. It wouldn't matter if it was 100° outside, if a man walks into a tough place in shorts it's a clear sign he wants trouble—and will most likely get it.

Man can’t complain about getting bumped on bus/train

If a man were talking to his buddies and started to complain about someone jostling him on the train the other day, the immediate reaction from his friends would be to ask if he shoved the guy back and if it led to a fight. If he didn't give the appropriate response and continued to complain, the other guys would stare at him in disbelief or would assume he was kidding. More than likely, if a guy did complain about an incident like this, he'd be called one of numerous names used by females to denigrate men (as blogged earlier).

Man can’t cry about anything in public (even though women wish men would show emotions)

Of course, the exception is Speaker of the House Boehner, but every other guy may not cry. A man caught showing such an emotion would forever be branded a non-man and shunned in future social occasions. The exception of course, is when the team you are rooting for in the Super Bowl loses the game by calling the stupidest play in the history of football and loses the game. But that is about the only exception. The odd thing though is that men are probably more emotional than women. We dare not admit it in public though.

Man can’t wear different styles of clothes at work (no colors, floral designs, etc.)

Men's fashion has not changed in several centuries. In the 1800s if a man worked in a bank, he wore a suit and tie. As far as I can tell, the only change since then is that the collar is a little less restrictive. Oh, the tie or lapel might be a little thinner every now and then, but not much else has changed. Casual wear hasn't seen much of a change either.

Men can’t use a girls bike even though it’s physically better for them

This is rather obvious. Men's junk is much more exposed then women's. For some reason whoever designed bikes decided that men should have a bar running from the seat to the handlebar that could basically make a guy squeal if he landed on it after a bump. For the females, that bar gently runs lower. My guess about this design is that in the old days, people believed women may not be athletic enough to get a leg over a bar that high up off the ground. Or maybe it was that women needed to be more demur and not lift their legs up that high. No matter the reason, a guy may not ride a more appropriately designed bike without receiving an overwhelming about of attention and verbal abuse.

On a coed sports team, man cannot slap woman’s butt

As I've blogged countless times, men are much more aggressive and physical than women.  We naturally need to elbow a buddy in the side after a funny joke, slap on the back the guy who did a great job on winning that debate, or in sports, slap their friend on the rear end in excitement after scoring that goal.  If a man were to do that to a female he is not related to/dating, then he can expect to be slapped in the face or relegated to the bench for being a sexist pig.

Man can’t talk trash to a woman without repercussions

This is very similar to the butt slap. Guys love to talk trash to their friends to either get the person's goat or to build up their own self-esteem. We see this mostly at sports events, but often at work or when having a beer at a bar.  If a guy were to do the same to a woman it would surely bring verbal hell fire and maybe result in some nearby hulk coming to the woman's defense.

Man dare not complain about women drivers

 I learned about this the hard way. Although it's fine for women to mention how men never ask directions or drive like a demon from Hades, if a man does this he risks nation-wide ostracism. When I wrote a blog about this, not only did some radical feminists begin to attack me on Twitter and other social media, but acquaintances shunned me and tried to convince others to do the same. The odd part was that I saw the blog as a bit of a joke. No matter, don't do this.
So although most men know about the above actions/events, for the rookie or uninitiated I hope this proves to be helpful. Think of this as just a friendly warning.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

North Charleston Murder: The Thurber Brigade once more goes wildly off topic

If you’ve been following this blog for some time, you’ll know that occasionally it will take a slight side-step and discuss something other than relationships or the differences between men and women.  This happened after the Ferguson incident and so, for pretty much the same reason (I’m agitated about bad police behavior), we’re going off topic again. 

 As a writer it’s my passion to tell stories (Jay's Place) and when watching a TV show or movie mystery, I try to guess the outcome or perpetrator.  So here's a dramatization of what I have theorized happened in North Charleston on Saturday, April 4th.

The Players:
Policeman— Michael Slager
Victim—Walter Scott

On a cool spring night in North Charleston, Walter Scott is calmly driving down the street listening to the local news on the car radio.  Police officer Michael Slager notices him as he drives by his parked patrol car. The first thing Slager notices is that the driver has a very, very dark tan.  He then carefully scans the driver’s car and discovers it has a broken taillight.

Within minutes Slager has pulled over the car and told Scott to get out of the vehicle.  The two men are soon standing face to face.

“What you doin’ on my street, boy?” Office Slager asks.

“I’m just driving home from work,” Scott replies.

“Welp, ya’ll got a broken taillight,” Slager says sternly.

“Oh, sorry, but that is a minor thing. I’ll get it fixed tomorrow,” Scott answers.

“You talkin’ back to me *black person?” Slager said, raising his voice.

“Hey, don’t be a *jerk, man.”

Officer Slager becomes incensed at this blatant resistance to his authority and pulls his Taser stun gun off his belt.

“What you doin’ *man?” Scott asked.  “I ain’t done nothing. There’s no reason for that.”

This really inflames Officer Slager’s mood and he shoots Scott with the stun gun.  This hurts Scott and knocks him to the ground, but it also energizes him enough that he understands this could get a lot worse.

Scott jumps up and turns away from the policeman and begins to edge away. “Man, you *evil guy.  I can’t believe you shot me.”

“That’s right *dark-skinned person, you better run,” Slager sneers. “I’m going to shoot your sorry *black person ass!”

Scott begins to run as fast as he can, but as he’s still sore from being stunned, he can barely limp away. Slager pulls his service revolver and fires repeatedly in the back of the fleeing Scott.

Scott falls to the ground mortally wounded and Slager hurries to his position.

“Told you *black person. Now put your hands behind your back!” Slager shouted.

“Ahhhhhhhh,” Scott replied softly as he slowly lost consciousness.

Slager handcuffed the lifeless Scott, then noticed he had forgotten to bring his stun gun with him. He quickly retraced his steps, retrieved the stun gun and brought it back to the body of Scott and dropped it beside the corpse. 

Very shortly, a second police office arrives.

“God, I was so frightened,” Office Slager told the other policeman. “I thought for sure this guy was going to harm me. He was almost like a wild animal!”

More police eventually arrived and wrapped up the event in standard procedure. Slager continued to state how he feared for his life and filed a report attesting to that. Since the other officers believed him and didn’t believe any thing was out of order (as this sort of thing happens often with *dark-skinned men they told themselves) so all carried on with their usual lives.

Of course, unlike other situations, this one was filmed. Luckily, the person who filmed it was brave enough to release it to the public. Normally this can be a very risky business as many times the witness can become a victim too. Eventually the evidence became too overwhelming for authorities to ignore and so many days after the incident, Office Slager is arrested for murder.

And so ends our little dramatization.  Of course, this is just conjecture, but more than likely, something very similar to this transpired. Will Officer Slager be convicted of taking the life of an innocent, unarmed man?  If history is repeated, probably not. However, that may be a future tale for The Thurber Brigade.

* Colorful metaphors have been replaced with less offensive words

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for once more veering off the road of the War Between Men and Women and assures everyone that it will return to the straight and narrow soon. Um, maybe.