Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Jay's Hunting Tips

People look at me these days and say “You sure don’t look like a hunter.”  However, I tell them they judge me not by my experience, but by my age. I have a lot of hunting experience, in fact, I’ve been hunting for decades. So just because there’s a few less hairs on my head and a little more gray in my beard don’t think that I’m no longer hunting. 

And although I may not be bringing home as many trophies as in my younger years, I’ve still got quite a bit of good advice for those guys who have not been out in the field as much. So without further ado, here are a few of Jay’s Hunting Tips:

• Remember that it is you the hunter who picks the prey.  The prey doesn’t pick you.  So if you want to go for younger prey, as long as you aren’t breaking any laws, go for it!  Don’t listen to others who complain that you should be hunting for more mature prey. They are either jealous of your ability to hunt younger prey, or are just too lazy to make the effort themselves. 

Men are much better hunters than women .  In fact, most of these hunting tips are aimed at men because there are so few female hunters. Oh, they talk a good game, but they mainly come up with schemes of how they would hunt or lure the prey to them, but rarely actually go out on a hunt. I still remember meeting this female who talked about putting on some special hunting clothes and how she would easily nail the prey. But remember the first tip, it’s the hunter that picks the prey. The prey isn’t going to come to you because you have some fancy hunting gear on, you have to go to the prey.  This brings up the next tip.

• Know the terrain you in which you will hunt.  Would you jump into a swamp in Louisiana without first checking for gators ?  Of course not.  Likewise when you go hunting you need to do a recon of the area.  When you first get to where you will begin your hunt, scan the area, look to see if it’s hunter friendly.  Will it be easy to get around? Is there too much competition from other hunters which lessen your odds of success?  Look for barriers which would prevent you from bagging your prey (such as angry anti-hunters—often females!).

•  Stalk prey that is alone.  Oh, sure. Sometimes the prey can seem easy even if gathered in a group, but let me assure you that no matter how docile those prey standing together may seem, they can be quite formidable if riled or if they believe they must protect your potential target.  In fact, if you insist on trying to hunt prey that repeatedly inhabit the area in groups, then be sure and take a good friend to help you in your hunt.  Having a buddy you can trust on a hunt is invaluable when you encounter prey in herds. 

So those are a few of my more valuable tips.  Use them to your best ability and I can assure you that if you take them to heart, you will be successful when you go out on a hunt.

Oops!  Darn this computer.  I just noticed that the auto-correct function was on when I typed in those tips.  For some reason, whenever I tried to type in dating, it changed it to hunting.  Sorry about that. The above are Jay’s Dating Tips.  Hope they help.

(Image courtesy of

Monday, May 21, 2012

Pick-up Line Manual

Pick-up Line Manual

Let’s face it, nowadays it’s hard to meet someone new.  You’d like to meet that nice woman in your office, but you’re worried about facing a sexual harassment lawsuit for asking her out.  Or maybe you’re a female who longs to whistle at that UPS delivery guy but know that everyone in the office will then start Emailing the world about how you’re “loose” or “slutty.”

So you’re only alternative is to get away from the office, away from the prying eyes and ears of your friends.  In other words, you either go for the personals or online dating sites, hit a party or hang out at a nightclub.  And therefore you need: a pick-up line.

Because I’m a little short this year and can’t afford to give to charity, I’ve decided to help those who are pick-up line deficient.  You know the type.  The ones who still think “What’s your sign” is not passé. Those who swear that “Heaven must be missing an angel,” is, well, sent from Heaven.  And I really want to work with those who still say, “If I say you have a beautiful body, will you hold it against me?”  Sheesh.

Let me interject here, that this is obviously aimed at men.  I can’t help it.  First off, I’m a guy (you could double-check my profile).  Second off, as far as I can tell, women don’t use pick-up lines.  Oh, sure, I’ve run into a woman or two who might say something suggestive to a male they know from work, school or a friend of a friend.  But I’ve never encountered a female who has thrown out a line to someone cold.  In other words, I’ve never seen a female try to pick up the construction worker in that famous Diet Coke® ad from a few years ago on her own.  Never seen a woman, by herself, walk up to a complete stranger and say, “Hey, bud, what ya doin’ tonight after the show?”

Well, except in the movies.  And I could sure be wrong.  Hey, I’m a man after all, right?  Anyway, I’ve never seen, heard or been told about it.  Nope.  I don’t know a single guy who’s ever experienced it either.  Maybe I just hang out at the wrong nightclubs, bars, movies, etc.  And so do my friends.

Actually, it doesn’t matter.  If there is a female out there who does prowl like we men do, I can help you too. 

Yes, I’ve worked over the years to discover what the best pick-up line is.  I’ve researched countless gossip magazines, an obvious factual reference.  I’ve lost count of the number of pick-up joints I’ve visited (purely as a distant anthropological observer, really).  And let me tell you, I’ve spared no expense in buying and studying the premier reference guides like: “Pick up Hot Women in 10 easy steps,” or “You too can be an American Gigolo,” or the Bible of come-on lines: “The Power of Positive Thinking Pick-up Lines.”

See? Extensive research.

So, after years of study (I’m still waiting for the federal grant) here is the perfect pick-up line:

“Hello.  My name is _______ .”

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Theory of Relationship Relativity

The title of this blog refers to a short story I had published in SingleLife (a Wisconsin dating magazine) in 1991. The story was an ode to James Thurber's "War between Men and Women." So I'll continue to write on this war (war correspondent?) and the relationships between the two combatants.

So let me start with something about Math.

The Theory of Relationship Relativity
After years of devoted research, I’ve made a shocking discovery about relationships.  Love is a mathematical formula.

Sure, this flies in the face of thousands of romantics from the past.  Shakespeare would reject the theory outright.  Burns would chase me through the streets with a red rose (and a stick).  And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Dr. Ruth put out a contract on me.  But it’s true.

I finally came to this conclusion after closely looking at the relationships of movie stars.  After all, aren’t they the modern paradigm of love?  Gossip magazines spend thousands of dollars to snap wedding pictures of Posh Spice and her soccer man.  Everyone at work gathers around the coffee pot to discuss Madonna’s latest flame.  So they are perfect laboratory love rats, no offense to any rats out there.

The formula is this:
LOVE= amount of time with a person  x  the qualities you like about the person
                           ÷ those pet peeves that drive you crazy

Let me give you an example.  Mr. Smith has loved his high school sweetheart for 10 years.  Ms. Brown served on the student council and lead the cheers at football games and looks incredible in a tight Angora sweater.  However, she snaps her chewing gum, hates to cook, cleans her house once every decade and wears perfume from K-Mart.

For the most part, the qualities and pet peeves are fairly even.  However, because of the length of time they have been dating, they will enter relationship heaven.

Example B.  Gail has dated Roger for close to a year now.  He works for the Shark, Curmudgeon and Bitter law firm as a junior partner, often gets confused for Brad Pitt and owns stock in IBM, Exxon and Ben & Jerry’s.  However, she’s recently learned that his favorite pastime is nude, Jell-O wrestling, munches on a whole onion (uncooked) at lunch and still thinks that “Porky’s” is the best movie ever produced.  This relationship will be joining the Titanic in no time at all.  Because the time factor is so short, and the nasty quirks are slightly stronger than the qualities, they don’t stand a chance.

How did this formula come about with the help of movie stars?  Well, look at the examples.  Bogart and Bacall spent a lot of time together on the sets of several movies.  A lot of close time together.  They both were beautiful, charming and provocative people.  Negative qualities were slight and undiscovered.  Their relationship was so mathematically predictable, even a French Lit major could solve the equation.

This formula gets repeated over and over with modern stars with incredible frequency.  Almost every week you can read in one of the paragons of journalistic reportage, like The Enquirer, about two hot stars falling into a relationship after spending many arduous months together on a film.  The time factor is so strong they can’t resist each other.

Of course, these relationships also never work out.  And it’s mathematical.  After a year of marriage/shacking up, the negative qualities start to appear and grow.  Soon they quickly outweigh time and positive qualities.  A break-up follows to the delight of readers everywhere.  This wouldn’t happen with Mr. Smith and Ms. Brown because the time factor has become so large the pet peeves could never overcome it.  There could almost be an argument made that to save the relationship, for the first few years you should try to avoid learning anything bad about your mate.  Build up that quality time so that the math works out.

As with all math formulas there will be countless tests to validate it.  So go ahead and test it to your heart’s (and relationship’s) content.  Plug in your parents.  Try out your sister and that stupid Marine she met at Mardi Gras.  And dare you?  Sure, be brave.  Plug your own relationship into the formula.  

The numbers don’t lie.