How's Your Vision?

In the past, people had a stereotype of men who wore glasses as being brainy or at least, a little more intelligent than the average man. That’s why in movies, if directors want to show that a man is a world class scientist, he’ll have a lab coat and glasses (which he’ll take off when he faces the camera).

That stereotype doesn’t extend to women. There has been an old axiom floating around for decades that states “men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”  So the stereotype for women with glasses has always been one of a “plain Jane” or ordinary female. In other words, using the movie motif from above, if a director wants to show that a woman is more "homespun" or more of the "girl next door" type, he'd have her wear a pair of glasses.

I bring these stereotypes up not because I like to brag that I still don’t need to wear glasses (but do think that I’m pretty brainy), but because there is also a difference in vision between the sexes. 

Let me first admit that I like to look at attractive women. This typical attribute (that we single men all have) is a major complaint by women about us. They claim we are superficial because our heads turn so easily when a cute woman in a short skirt passes by. Well, I might be hard pressed to argue with that.

However, let’s look at the vision of women.  Countless times I’ve been with a woman who will see some guy in old clothes, unshaven and basically unkempt and her comment is “Ugh.” His face looks something like this:

 Oddly, if that person turns out to be a famous rock star, that same look is considered “Sexy.” You did recognize a young “Boss” above, right?

Likewise, when women see a man wearing a skimpy Speedo swimsuit, they turn up their noses, scowl and say “Ewwwwwww.”

 Um, unless that guy in the Speedo is Justin Timberlake.  Then they get all giggly, purr a little and have a dreamy look in their eyes as they say “what a man!”

In other words, apparently women’s vision is tied to whether men are famous or wealthy.  It’s a strange phenomenon, but most male scientists I know (who might be wearing glasses) typically call this “being superficial.”

 Just checking your vision

(image from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Pick-up Line Manual

Pick-up Line Manual

Let’s face it, nowadays it’s hard to meet someone new.  You’d like to meet that nice woman in your office, but you’re worried about facing a sexual harassment lawsuit for asking her out.  Or maybe you’re a female who longs to whistle at that UPS delivery guy but know that everyone in the office will then start Emailing the world about how you’re “loose” or “slutty.”

So you’re only alternative is to get away from the office, away from the prying eyes and ears of your friends.  In other words, you either go for the personals or online dating sites, hit a party or hang out at a nightclub.  And therefore you need: a pick-up line.

Because I’m a little short this year and can’t afford to give to charity, I’ve decided to help those who are pick-up line deficient.  You know the type.  The ones who still think “What’s your sign” is not passé. Those who swear that “Heaven must be missing an angel,” is, well, sent from Heaven.  And I really want to work with those who still say, “If I say you have a beautiful body, will you hold it against me?”  Sheesh.

Let me interject here, that this is obviously aimed at men.  I can’t help it.  First off, I’m a guy (you could double-check my profile).  Second off, as far as I can tell, women don’t use pick-up lines.  Oh, sure, I’ve run into a woman or two who might say something suggestive to a male they know from work, school or a friend of a friend.  But I’ve never encountered a female who has thrown out a line to someone cold.  In other words, I’ve never seen a female try to pick up the construction worker in that famous Diet Coke® ad from a few years ago on her own.  Never seen a woman, by herself, walk up to a complete stranger and say, “Hey, bud, what ya doin’ tonight after the show?”

Well, except in the movies.  And I could sure be wrong.  Hey, I’m a man after all, right?  Anyway, I’ve never seen, heard or been told about it.  Nope.  I don’t know a single guy who’s ever experienced it either.  Maybe I just hang out at the wrong nightclubs, bars, movies, etc.  And so do my friends.

Actually, it doesn’t matter.  If there is a female out there who does prowl like we men do, I can help you too. 

Yes, I’ve worked over the years to discover what the best pick-up line is.  I’ve researched countless gossip magazines, an obvious factual reference.  I’ve lost count of the number of pick-up joints I’ve visited (purely as a distant anthropological observer, really).  And let me tell you, I’ve spared no expense in buying and studying the premier reference guides like: “Pick up Hot Women in 10 easy steps,” or “You too can be an American Gigolo,” or the Bible of come-on lines: “The Power of Positive Thinking Pick-up Lines.”

See? Extensive research.

So, after years of study (I’m still waiting for the federal grant) here is the perfect pick-up line:

“Hello.  My name is _______ .”