The Thurber Brigade's Annual Story of Christmas

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.  

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.”

Pope vs. Pagan Headgear

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth.

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it.

Join the "Vikings" (on History Channel) as they light the Yule Log

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around.

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for using this rerun once again.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends. 

The Irreligious Reference Guide

Greek mythology had a good run of over 2,700 years, with its believers strongly following the appropriate gods.

The Middle Eastern mythology of Christianity is trying to make as good of a run as it approaches 2,000 years of existence.

Christianity may have a more difficult time of matching the Greek’s longevity however. While Greek mythology just had to convince uneducated peasants about its validity, Christianity has to go up against an educated populace as well as modern science.

While in ancient Greece using leeches to treat an illness seemed like modern science, nowadays we prefer taking aspirin because science has proven it can help.

How Christianity has made it this far is largely due to adaptability. For example, in the old days sports were forbidden by Christians with lawbreakers getting put in stocks or worse. Today, there are church sports leagues where you are given trophies for winning.

In the past, Christians insisted that no one should go out and buy a new shirt on Sunday as their god would get upset (Blue laws). Today there are ads in Christian magazines for fine “Sunday go to meeting” clothes sold in stores open on Sunday.

Some things may be too difficult for Christianity to adapt to however. Much of it stems from its rigid belief in their holy book, The Bible.

The Bible itself has a challenge in that it is comprised of heavily edited chapters taken from a very selective number of early writings. It’s composed of two books, the Old Testament and the New. The Old is hewed largely from the early Jewish texts like the Torah and the Talmud as well as other texts selectively chosen to fit their needs.

The New Testament is very selective texts written 75-100 years after the Christian deity Jesus died. In other words, the book is like writing a biography about your great, great, great granddad based on a few letters you found in your basement.

There are a lot of inaccuracies, even though strict adherents swear it is perfect. For example, how did Judas die?  In Matthew it says he hung himself, in The Acts it says he fell down (as in on his sword) and his innards spilled out.

Christianity also tries to adapt to our modern world by attempting to portray itself as a much friendly religion than ancient ones, known for bloodletting and killing in many forms. However, according to their Bible, it sure looks like their god is pretty bloodthirsty.

Hard core Christians believe humanity is only about 6,000 years old. This might be difficult to adapt to as science is pretty adamant that humans have been around hundreds of thousands years longer.

And then there’s the great stories in the Bible that just seem difficult to fathom. For example, Noah’s ark? Unicorns? Zombies?

I'm in the center, back row

So the Christianity mythology will have tough sledding in the years to come, but should make it a little longer as like other mythologies, they use indoctrination and training to keep it going. Yes, like most American youths I got to experience this from confirmation classes, to rigid church attendance. I think that because of this I don’t mind if other people have a belief in a mythology/religion, but through the years I finally broke free. So as we approach the pinnacle of Christian celebrations (don’t miss the Thurber Brigade’s annual Story of Christmas) believe what you want, but please, stop putting those damn fliers on my car window and knocking on my door at dinnertime to enlighten me.

Ahhh, James Thurber

 

Gas it Up

Way back in my second year at Texas Tech I decided to go to a hockey game. I’ve been a hockey nut since childhood, but usually the only way to get my fix was to listen to it on the radio or if lucky, catch the rare game on TV on a Sunday afternoon.

However, I discovered that there was a hockey team in Albuquerque called the Six Guns. I also got lucky in that they had a game scheduled for Saturday night. This meant I could leave my dorm early that day and drive there in time for the game.

So, I took off in my ’62 VW Bug and made it to the game in plenty of time. Yes, it was a great time and I even think they won. I spent the night sleeping on the green of a local golf club waking to discover a light touch of snow now covered me and my sleeping bag. I shook off the snow and since I had filled up the gas tank the night before, immediately headed back to Lubbock.

This was the real adventure of the trip. You see, this was right when the Arab Oil Embargo had been sprung on us. For those too young to know about this, it was a time of very limited gasoline. Some stations limited how much you could buy, and most closed on Sundays. That’s right, the challenge was could I get from Albuquerque to Lubbock on one tank of gas?

It was scary. I passed all those stations with the closed sign and kept wondering if I was doomed to run out and be stranded. I stopped several times at rest areas and just said “screw it, I’ll sleep in the car and try tomorrow.” But after a few minutes I’d tell myself to push on and try because with my border line grades, missing classes wasn’t a good idea. When it got dark I pulled over once again. I was close to Lubbock, but still easily an hour away. I didn’t think I’d make it, so pulled out my sleeping bag, jumped into the back seat and decided to wait it out.

 

Even in the sleeping bag, I felt pretty cold. Could see my breath. After an hour, my courage came back and I decided to go for it. I told myself that worse case scenario I’d run out just on the outskirts of the city and could walk or hitchhike the remainder.

 

I made it.

 

My guess is that old VW must have been getting 35 MPGs or maybe better. Maybe I coasted downhill in enough spots that it extended my trip. No matter what, I felt it was a major triumph and it taught me a powerful lesson that I still have today:  MPGs is one of the biggest factors in buying a car.

I think many of us Americans realized that during the embargo. We didn’t want to be held hostage by the Arab world ever again and would pursue vehicles that could go further on a tank of gas.

To this day, that is still a major factor for me when car shopping. Now it has also become important due to climate change concerns. I believed it was so important that I made that a focus of one chapter in my book “Sex and the American Male.” The main character visits a car lot and mentions MPGs and the dealer wonders if he’s a communist and begins a long patriotic speech about gas guzzlers and America.

Sadly, I believe most Americans haven’t taken this to heart.  When high gas prices happen, Americans rush out to buy fuel efficient cars. Back in 2010 to 2014 when gas prices went through the roof, there were many who said that it meant the end of those gas guzzling SUVs. However, after prices went down again, Americans went back to their old habits. In fact, it seems to me there are even more gigantic, four-wheel boats out on our byways than before.

 

It’s like Americans have a terminal case of short term memory. As a sidebar to this, I believe Americans like humongous cars because, well, the majority of them have humongous butts. America is one of the fattest countries in the world, and so it seems our choice in cars matches that waistline sprawl.

Although I don’t like paying more at the pump, I often think it’s a good thing when gas prices go up as maybe this time, maybe, Americans will get it and start thinking seriously about the environment, our health and MPGs. Yeah, I’m not holding my breath.

Ahh, James Thurber

Jay's Wildlife Refuge

Here in the wilds of North Austin, I’m always amazed at the abundance of wildlife that come and visit. Admittedly, some have been lured by “someone” putting out cheap cat food for strays, but many wander through because it’s in their hunting area.

Once, while eating breakfast I looked out the window and noticed a skinny dog by my back fence. On closer inspection, I realized it was a coyote. During the day. So grabbed my camera and rushed out and was able to get a few shots of two who were wandering down the trail in the gully back there.

Walking past my back door I noticed this gray fox enjoying some of the cat food on my deck. I’ve had many repeat performances, but they are super skittish, so I can only get a shot through the door’s window, hence, some odd reflections of stuff inside.

Of course, apparently  the word is out that there's good chow over at Jay's Place, so I get quite a few stray cats who visit. Some I've actually eventually adopted, but most just hang around a few months then disappear. I hope it's not because the coyotes caught up with them.

A few years ago there was a great documentary from PBS about raccoons that stated they may be the best wildlife to adapt to civilization. In other words, they flourish even in cities. So, of course, I have a ton who visit, often bringing their families. 

Probably the next wild creature to easily adapt to city life are the opossums. I have a feeling that at least one lives under the shed in my backyard, but a lot just wander through looking for the delicious moldy bread, old donuts and other stale food I throw out in my backyard for, well, for them. They seem to eat everything. 

Squirrels really like my backyard. So I put out a hanging corn cob that they have to hang by their back feet to get to. Of course, they also like visiting the bird feeder, so I made my own anti-squirrel device to try and keep them out. It works most of the time.

Hawk on left, falcon on right

Besides mammals, a ton of birds swoop through my back yard. Some are there for the bird feeder, some are there to feed on the other birds and creatures.

Caracara feeding on turkey carcass

Not sure who/what this vulture wanted

Redheaded woodpecker

Jay's Bluejay Airforce

Guinea Fowl

Red Hawk

Cardinal and Bluejay compete for bird feeder time

 

Hawk caught an unwary Bluejay

With so much wildlife visiting, there are bound to be interactions.

Raccoon tells opossum he's not sharing

As long as I don't eat the food, they don't mind me

Tempting fate

Yawn. The human will put food out for me later

The visitors often peek in, wondering when the human will put food out

Of course, this leaves out the various insects, rats, snakes, frogs, etc. that travel through the yard. Because of these I resist putting out any poison as it would affect the natural chain. This often means that I get a lot of mosquitos and other flying bugs in my house, so I’ve grown a spider army to help me fight them. Yeah, it’s often just as wild inside my house as outside, and it’s not just because of the nutty human who lives within. 

 

Ahhh, James Thurber