Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Sex! Hot SEX!

A note from the publisher of SEX and the American Male

   (The Thurber Brigade was approached by the owner of BIG BEN BOOKS who wanted to make a public statement about the book. After he made a large contribution to The Brigade Retirement/Party Fund we relented)      

So, did the title of this article excite you? Of course it did! You are a warm-blooded human and so you love SEX. Who wouldn't? That's the power behind the great book I published: SEX and the AMERICAN MALE.

Hello, I am Benito "Big Ben" Cantolini, and I just wanted to set the record straight about this hot, lurid book. I know that many readers have complained because the author of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE keeps declaring that there is no SEX in his book. Nonsense!

There is a ton of lurid, raunchy SEX in the book and also plenty of explicit photos to go along with the ribald words. Pictures like this:

Of course this picture is not as explicit as in the book because the author won't let me show that in his blog, but trust me, the pictures are twice as hot as this one.

This is another example of the hot sex you will encounter in SEX and the AMERICAN MALE (but again because of the author this one is relatively tame).
People have also told me that they were disappointed that the author didn't use graphic descriptions and evocative language in describing the incredible SEX acts in the book.  Bull pucky (dang author won't let me use expletives)!

I can't believe the number of times he uses the words penis and vagina (but of course the more lurid versions) in SEX and the AMERICAN MALE!
(the author insisted I add this)
And the penises in the book are huge! Not wimpy like that certain businessman running for president, but gigantic! The author goes to extremes describing the male SEX organ and how it interacts with the female genitalia (darn author won't let me describe that either).
Now, some folks keep saying that I came up with the title of the book to stimulate more sales. They also say it is a cynical allusion to how advertisers use SEX and erotic images to lure unsuspecting customers to their product. These are atrocious lies! The title is purely a declaration of the blatant and plentiful SEX scenes in the book.

Because of the lurid SEX in the book, similar to this photo but much more graphic, book sales are through the roof!
I especially don't want you to be fooled by some of the reviews of the book you'll find on Amazon.com. Ones like:
✯✯✯✯  Sex and the American Male by Jay Williams has absolutely nothing to do with sex, but everything to do with advertising and the messages it sends you.

✯✯✯✯ The twists are unexpected as exemplified case and point in the notion that sex sells, and Williams finds a clever way of reminding us of this throughout.

No the real reviews were censored by Amazon because they too were too graphic! They said things like:

✯✯✯✯ "Man when Zack ---- to Mist ---- and repeatedly ---- the ----"
✯✯✯✯ "I can't believe the author was allowed to describe ---- and ---- ---- not to mention the time he ---- a---- ----"

As you can tell, that's some lurid, steamy and maybe illegal SEX.
So I hope this clears things up about SEX and the AMERICAN MALE and the gargantuan amount of SEX in the book.
Get yourself some SEX at these HOT websites:
Barnes & Noble

Also, be on the lookout for these future steamy books from Big Ben's Publishing:
SEX at Sea
SEX on a Plane
SEX and the American Female
SEX, SEX and more SEX

The Thurber Brigade apologizes to those readers offended by the above comments from the publisher as well as those offended by the repeated and blatant use of the word SEX since we know there are a ton of angry feminists out there who already think that we are SEXist pigs and too often use SEX to make a point or stimulate readers through the arbitrary use of that word and SEXual imagery. We also want to apologize if we continue to imply you are wimble-brain prudes who have the sense of humor of a sea slug and the intellect of Donald Trump supporters and wouldn't recognize satire/parody if it kicked you in a SEX organ. Sorry.
Ahhhh, James Thurber!

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

A Not So Close Shave

Like most male children I loved to watch my father shave when I was a tyke. He was an engineer and so when those newfangled electric shavers came out, he got one to be a modern guy. So as I was growing up it was fun to stand outside the bathroom listening to that loud buzz early in the morning as he got ready for work.

Needless to say, when I was getting ready to go to college, and right as I had enough peach hair, my dad gave me his old Schick shaver. Pure elation describes my feelings as I would run that thing over my meager few hairs on the chin in the dorm room. It probably ticked my roomy off, since he had to settle for a razor, but I didn't share.
Of course, when I stopped out of school for a few years and headed to the army, the shaver went with me. I fearlessly stood in the crowded, noisy bathroom of the barracks and while all the other new recruits scraped their faces with a razor blade, I happily buzzed away with my old Schick shaver.

However, on the second week of boot camp at Fort Polk in Louisiana (not so lovingly called little Vietnam) I stood at ridged attention on the front row of the formation as the drill sergeant inspected the platoon. Sgt. Fisher looked at me as I tensely stood in 1st squad and then he slowly sidestepped to the next worm. It seemed like slow motion as he turned his head my way again then stepped back in front of me.

"Williams, did you shave his morning!" He shouted. He always shouted I should point out. In fact, I had doubts he was capable of quiet, reflective conversation.
"Yes Drill Sergeant. I used my electric shaver and..."
"It doesn't look to me like you shaved at all!"
He then yelled at me to get out of formation and stand facing the platoon. He also yelled at a fellow terrified newby to go get his razor from his footlocker (a small wooden chest where we kept our few possessions).  When he returned, Sgt. Fisher had him dry shave me right there in front of the rest of the maggots. The drill sergeant then gave all of us a high decibel account how we must shave every day or we'd rot in hell for the rest of eternity—and he'd be there right behind us kicking our butts.

So from that day on to the present I have always shaved with a razor blade instead of an electric shaver. My cherished shaver now was a traitor to me and I gave it away to a fellow scumbucket who wanted to use it to somehow give himself and others tattoos.

It wasn't the pain of being dry shaved—and yes, it was and old razor and yes quite painful—it was the humiliation of standing in front of my fellow dirt balls and made an example. I guess the drill sergeant did this to teach us wimpy rejects an important point about army life. However, all I got from it, besides further hatred of Sgt. Fisher, was that you should never trust that your cherished notions will be regarded the same way by others.

Someday I'll tell you about the agony of getting care packages from mom while in basic.

(I know, I know. Those of you who have "Liked" any of my books' FaceBook pages—
—are saying to yourselves, "what a l
azy guy" because you saw that I posted this story there as a "FaceBook short story."  Well, I apologize, but right now I'm wrapping up my taxes and haven't had time to come up with any other clever content. So as soon as I file I'll get with it and come up with something witty and clever to add to The Brigade. By the way, remember you can still get a TAX BREAK for just 99¢ at: http://tinyurl.com/taxbreak-amazon  Yes, more shameless self-promotion. Sorry.) 

James Thurber served in the Army from 1918-20 encrypting/decrypting messages in Paris, but due to the loss of eye didn't have to serve during WWI