Monday, May 21, 2012

Pick-up Line Manual

Pick-up Line Manual

Let’s face it, nowadays it’s hard to meet someone new.  You’d like to meet that nice woman in your office, but you’re worried about facing a sexual harassment lawsuit for asking her out.  Or maybe you’re a female who longs to whistle at that UPS delivery guy but know that everyone in the office will then start Emailing the world about how you’re “loose” or “slutty.”

So you’re only alternative is to get away from the office, away from the prying eyes and ears of your friends.  In other words, you either go for the personals or online dating sites, hit a party or hang out at a nightclub.  And therefore you need: a pick-up line.

Because I’m a little short this year and can’t afford to give to charity, I’ve decided to help those who are pick-up line deficient.  You know the type.  The ones who still think “What’s your sign” is not passé. Those who swear that “Heaven must be missing an angel,” is, well, sent from Heaven.  And I really want to work with those who still say, “If I say you have a beautiful body, will you hold it against me?”  Sheesh.

Let me interject here, that this is obviously aimed at men.  I can’t help it.  First off, I’m a guy (you could double-check my profile).  Second off, as far as I can tell, women don’t use pick-up lines.  Oh, sure, I’ve run into a woman or two who might say something suggestive to a male they know from work, school or a friend of a friend.  But I’ve never encountered a female who has thrown out a line to someone cold.  In other words, I’ve never seen a female try to pick up the construction worker in that famous Diet Coke® ad from a few years ago on her own.  Never seen a woman, by herself, walk up to a complete stranger and say, “Hey, bud, what ya doin’ tonight after the show?”

Well, except in the movies.  And I could sure be wrong.  Hey, I’m a man after all, right?  Anyway, I’ve never seen, heard or been told about it.  Nope.  I don’t know a single guy who’s ever experienced it either.  Maybe I just hang out at the wrong nightclubs, bars, movies, etc.  And so do my friends.

Actually, it doesn’t matter.  If there is a female out there who does prowl like we men do, I can help you too. 

Yes, I’ve worked over the years to discover what the best pick-up line is.  I’ve researched countless gossip magazines, an obvious factual reference.  I’ve lost count of the number of pick-up joints I’ve visited (purely as a distant anthropological observer, really).  And let me tell you, I’ve spared no expense in buying and studying the premier reference guides like: “Pick up Hot Women in 10 easy steps,” or “You too can be an American Gigolo,” or the Bible of come-on lines: “The Power of Positive Thinking Pick-up Lines.”

See? Extensive research.

So, after years of study (I’m still waiting for the federal grant) here is the perfect pick-up line:

“Hello.  My name is _______ .”

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