The Outdoorsman

The bear burst out of the tree line and for the moment caught Will Mittleback by surprise. However, it didn't take long for the rugged outdoorsman to gather his wits and do what any manly guy would do in this situation. He grabbed his Winchester from the sling on his shoulder, squared around and confronted the charging, roaring grizzly. He then shot a single round into the ground right in front of the beast.  The earth literally exploded at its feet. The man-eater skidded to a stop just ten feet from Will then stood on his back paws.  Extending his 800-pound frame to the sky and towering above the unmoving human in front of him, he let out a loud, vicious roar to let the ruddy-complexioned man know who was the boss. However, Will never flinched.  Instead, he howled back at the beast to let him know that he was not impressed enough to move.

"Will! What are you doing?" A familiar voice behind him intoned.

Will turned and faced his wife, perturbed she had dared to come up behind him like that. "I'm raking the leaves just like you asked!"

"Well, that's a funny way to do it," she said, pointing at the rake in his hands, leveled like a rifle and aimed at a tree in front of her husband.

"I was taking a break," he replied. "Getting ready to wrap it all up."

"Good, 'cause dinner will be ready in about ten."

Jill Mittleback went back into the house, but not before sniffing her disapproval of his behavior and adding a disgusted shake of her head. Will furiously attacked the leaves at his feet letting them know he was firmly in charge—of his life as well as the growing pile of autumn decay.

Behind him, he thought he heard a sound. He twirled suddenly and discovered a bear sitting and pointing a paw at Will. The large grizzly let out a haunting belly laugh and rolled onto its side, his front legs hugging its round belly.

"What's so funny?" Will asked, puzzled.

"The mighty outdoorsman. Felled by a little sow," the bear chortled.

Will ignored his adversary and finished raking the leaves, with the sound of giggling accompany his every move. With the last of the leaves safely whisked into the huge pile, he grimaced and walked back into the house, Bear laughter echoing in his ears.

 

NOTE: 

This is an excerpt from a short story in progress that is meant to be a tribute to "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" by Jame Thurber. With a movie about to premier, I thought something truer to the short story needed exposure too. Nothing against the movie (which I haven't seen) but at least read the short story before you go. Oh, the picture at the top is of me at Glacier National Park. I thought this blog might need a picture to go with it, so why not?

Talk, Talk, part II

Last year one of my blogs dealt with whether men or women talked more than the other.  However, just as important is the nature of that talk. Conversations between men and women vary depending on the situation. If you really want to “see” the difference between these two life forms you should witness it first hand at bars. 

In fact, most of the time that I go to bars these days is to watch and listen to people. Oh, in the old days my main purpose was to continue the hunt for females, but as I've grown older I do this less often. Okay, consuming beer is another big reason I go, but I see that as a bonus.

I know you are thinking what a creepy guy I must be to eavesdrop on people. However, as a writer I believe I have an obligation to do this in order to ensure my dialog is up to date. I even wrote an article about how writers have an "eavesdropper license" to do this (“Writer’s Connections” 12/95).

One of the things I have always noticed, and experienced, is that early in the relationship when a man and woman go out, it's the man who must begin and make most of the conversation. It begins by him having to ask questions. Things like "what kind of music do you like," "what did you major in at school?" Small talk to get the conversation going.

The female will answer, sometimes in detail but only if the guy pushes her for more. If the male stops asking questions, there will be a long, painful, lull in talk until the male asks the next question. The funny part of this scenario, is that if there are a lot of long pauses, the male is accused of not being much of a talker. Trust me, it's a no win situation. So don't try to point out the female's lack of talk.

Later in the relationship it's completely reversed. I'm pretty sure this is caused by the feeling the woman has that now the relationship is solid, so she can talk more (it’s a commitment thing). Now the female talks constantly with the male only getting to make a brief observation every so often. Of course, this observation is usually considered wrong, but at least he got a word in to the mix.

In groups I've also noticed trends. For example, usually the conversations include topics that include the whole group at the beginning of the evening. Things like how the couples met, or what they like to do together. As the night, and drinks, continue, there starts to be a segregation.

The men begin to converse with each other. Typically about sports or work. The females begin to talk to each other about clothes or past bad dates. Occasionally, there will be some random crossover where they all talk together again, usually about a mutual friend, especially if that friend is in disfavor. But it will eventually evolve back to separate groups.

The most interesting conversations between males and females in bars concerns sex. The male is always in the hunt for sex but must be coy or it might frighten away the prey. Oops, slipped into the hunting rules again. Sorry. So the male might say something like, "your eyes penetrate my soul," or "I love the way the hot sweat rolls down your arm." The phrase doesn't really have to mean anything as much as it must include words that could illicit thoughts of sex. If the female doesn't resist the words, such as change the subject to shoes, etc. then the male will begin to make more obvious comments.  All of this conversation just to ease the situation into something more about sex.

Women typically don't use conversation to try to get the male to think about sex. Largely she will either leave it to the male to make the move or trust that the male's ESP abilities are working. In other words, it's not as imperative to the female as it is to the male. The most common occurrence in this battle of wills is that if nothing happens the female will just tell her friends the next day that she had been leaving all the signals, therefore the guy must have been gay.

So next time you're in a bar on your own, subtly listen to the couple the next table over to hear the latest sounds from The War Between Men and Women. Oh, and if you're a female and notice a single guy who might be trying to hear what you are saying to your girlfriend, well, buy me a pint. Next blog, we may discuss why this never happens unless the guy is a tycoon or rock star.

Conversation over

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Jay's Hunting Tips

People look at me these days and say “You sure don’t look like a hunter.”  However, I tell them they judge me not by my experience, but by my age. I have a lot of hunting experience, in fact, I’ve been hunting for decades. So just because there’s a few less hairs on my head and a little more gray in my beard don’t think that I’m no longer hunting. 

And although I may not be bringing home as many trophies as in my younger years, I’ve still got quite a bit of good advice for those guys who have not been out in the field as much. So without further ado, here are a few of Jay’s Hunting Tips:

• Remember that it is you the hunter who picks the prey.  The prey doesn’t pick you.  So if you want to go for younger prey, as long as you aren’t breaking any laws, go for it!  Don’t listen to others who complain that you should be hunting for more mature prey. They are either jealous of your ability to hunt younger prey, or are just too lazy to make the effort themselves. 

• Men are much better hunters than women .  In fact, most of these hunting tips are aimed at men because there are so few female hunters. Oh, they talk a good game, but they mainly come up with schemes of how they would hunt or lure the prey to them, but rarely actually go out on a hunt. I still remember meeting this female who talked about putting on some special hunting clothes and how she would easily nail the prey. But remember the first tip, it’s the hunter that picks the prey. The prey isn’t going to come to you because you have some fancy hunting gear on, you have to go to the prey.  This brings up the next tip.

• Know the terrain you in which you will hunt.  Would you jump into a swamp in Louisiana without first checking for gators ?  Of course not.  Likewise when you go hunting you need to do a recon of the area.  When you first get to where you will begin your hunt, scan the area, look to see if it’s hunter friendly.  Will it be easy to get around? Is there too much competition from other hunters which lessen your odds of success?  Look for barriers which would prevent you from bagging your prey (such as angry anti-hunters—often females!).

•  Stalk prey that is alone.  Oh, sure. Sometimes the prey can seem easy even if gathered in a group, but let me assure you that no matter how docile those prey standing together may seem, they can be quite formidable if riled or if they believe they must protect your potential target.  In fact, if you insist on trying to hunt prey that repeatedly inhabit the area in groups, then be sure and take a good friend to help you in your hunt.  Having a buddy you can trust on a hunt is invaluable when you encounter prey in herds. 

So those are a few of my more valuable tips.  Use them to your best ability and I can assure you that if you take them to heart, you will be successful when you go out on a hunt.

Oops!  Darn this computer.  I just noticed that the auto-correct function was on when I typed in those tips.  For some reason, whenever I tried to type in dating, it changed it to hunting.  Sorry about that. The above are Jay’s Dating Tips.  Hope they help.

(Image courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net)