A bright star shone
above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination. They came a long way because of the knowledge
they had of the events.
They came to meet
the Pope, probably around 400 C.E.
“The pagans are
enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the
Pope. “They’re dancing, singing, giving
gifts to friends, burning trees. It’s
woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to
imbibe in the joyful celebration.”
“You are right,” the
Pope agreed. “We must do something to
ensure that we can maintain our control.”
Pagan Shaman vs Pope Headgear
Therefore, the Pope
and his followers came up with a plan.
They began to
promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as
Saturnalia. When asked why have a
celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth.
The pagans were
skeptical at first. “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring? Around March?” one asked.
“I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in
helpfully.
The Pope said he had
made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian
one. Christ was indeed born in December,
the Pope assured everyone.
The pagans still
didn’t like it.
“Saturnalia is
fun. We get gifts, we have this cool
tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.
“You can still do
that,” the Pope professed. “It’s a
birthday party after all, isn’t it?”
So the pagans began
to celebrate both holidays, but as
more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell
out of favor. However, those pagans who
still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.
It took longer than
they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their
celebration.
The pagans made
their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and
celebrations to the winter festival.
They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a
rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of
yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around.
Through the 70s and
80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts. Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny
cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves. “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they
proclaim.
So today the pagans
have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the
title “Christmas.”
The celebration
keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving
(Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's. There are competitions to have the biggest
tree and brightest light displays.
Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the
ones hardest to acquire. In addition, of
course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the
holiday.
It has been a subtle
takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs. So far, the Pope has not responded.
The Thurber Brigade
wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!
The Thurber Brigade
apologizes for using this rerun once again. Admit it though, you are already
watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a
Wonderful Life" so why not one more? Besides, The Brigade
is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy
drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about
relationships. We promise that after the New Year (and after all the
football games) we'll get back on track. Until then, enjoy the holidays
and your friends.
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