I see England, I see France...

There's no doubt that we men like to look at women's underwear. Especially when they're wearing it. As you may remember from my last blog this isn't the case with females. To paraphrase it using an example, if a female bends over exposing her crack and panties, well we guys might walk into a lamp post so distracted by the view. 

 On the other hand, if a guy were to do the same thing the female response would be to scrunch up the nose and let out a biting "ewwwwwww." 

 Well, Unless the guy was Justin Timberlake.

It's a vision thing.

However, I don't want to go into that again. Instead I want to bring up another big difference between men and women as it relates to “undies.”

 

If I were to wander into the underwear section in the ladies department of the local Target, not only would I be followed by security, but I'd probably wind up on YouTube as the most recent pervert caught on camera. Just imagine the reaction if I picked up a pair of lace panties and held them up at eye level, twirled around to view them in a different light and then held them out straight in front of me as if holding them up to an imaginary friend.  My guess is that I'd be tackled by some overweight store cop and hauled down to central booking.

Of course, if you replace me with a middle-aged female and put her in the men's department, you'd get a collective yawn from everyone in the vicinity. In fact the very actions I described above are so common by females that I'll bet you have the image burned in your memory as a common occurrence to ignore as you wander the aisles. 

 But why?  Why is a guy in the female section an alarming situation while a female in the male section a yawner?

It is obviously sexism. Oh, I'm sure you are saying to yourself that the guy in that situation was just a “perv” while the female was undoubtedly a wife shopping for her man. But isn't that the very definition of sexism? That one sex can only be viewed in one light (ie a woman can only be a secretary)?

For all you know the guy was the one buying for his mate while the female was planning on keeping her purchase handily stashed under her pillow.  But you can't picture that, at least, not unless you are given that explanation.

 So to prove you aren't a sexist pig, the next time you are in Target and you see a woman fondling some men's briefs, promise me you'll give her a disgusted scowl and mumble (rather loudly) under your breath, “lousy pervert!”

 From all men who like to look at women's underwear: Thank you Victoria's Secret!

How's Your Vision?

In the past, people had a stereotype of men who wore glasses as being brainy or at least, a little more intelligent than the average man. That’s why in movies, if directors want to show that a man is a world class scientist, he’ll have a lab coat and glasses (which he’ll take off when he faces the camera).

That stereotype doesn’t extend to women. There has been an old axiom floating around for decades that states “men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”  So the stereotype for women with glasses has always been one of a “plain Jane” or ordinary female. In other words, using the movie motif from above, if a director wants to show that a woman is more "homespun" or more of the "girl next door" type, he'd have her wear a pair of glasses.

I bring these stereotypes up not because I like to brag that I still don’t need to wear glasses (but do think that I’m pretty brainy), but because there is also a difference in vision between the sexes. 

Let me first admit that I like to look at attractive women. This typical attribute (that we single men all have) is a major complaint by women about us. They claim we are superficial because our heads turn so easily when a cute woman in a short skirt passes by. Well, I might be hard pressed to argue with that.

However, let’s look at the vision of women.  Countless times I’ve been with a woman who will see some guy in old clothes, unshaven and basically unkempt and her comment is “Ugh.” His face looks something like this:

 Oddly, if that person turns out to be a famous rock star, that same look is considered “Sexy.” You did recognize a young “Boss” above, right?

Likewise, when women see a man wearing a skimpy Speedo swimsuit, they turn up their noses, scowl and say “Ewwwwwww.”

 Um, unless that guy in the Speedo is Justin Timberlake.  Then they get all giggly, purr a little and have a dreamy look in their eyes as they say “what a man!”

In other words, apparently women’s vision is tied to whether men are famous or wealthy.  It’s a strange phenomenon, but most male scientists I know (who might be wearing glasses) typically call this “being superficial.”

 Just checking your vision

(image from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

What’s on your mind

Since the early 1900s people have been fascinated by the thought of  Extrasensory Perception (ESP).  Basically, this is the concept that a person can have a sixth sense, can read another person's mind.  As far as I can tell, there is still no scientific proof that this really exists.

 

However, I do know that women believe wholeheartedly that men DO have this ability.

The short story I wrote a number of years ago, that this blog page is titled after, included a scene in which the main character tries to relay to a female coworker that men can't read women's minds.  This was actually based on an actual incident that I experienced when I worked in an office in which I was the only male--also like in the story (which really is fiction).

The woman had wanted to watch some TV show the previous night, but instead just watched whatever her husband wanted. The main character asked if she asked if she could watch her show and she said it wasn't worth it because he wouldn't let her. Basically, she was implying that he knew what she wanted, but wouldn't relent. The main guy says there's no way he could know unless she speaks up.

You see, men DO NOT have ESP.

About a year ago, I remember reading an article in the student newspaper of The University of Texas, "The Daily Texan," in which a female told about attempting to get the attention of a guy she wanted to know.  She and a friend arranged to play some beach volleyball next to a soccer field he played at. The plan included pretending to look for a missing earring at a time he was on the sideline. The woman lamented that her only success was in attracting a different, and older, man.  She had been sure that this scheme would work because the guy would know she was interested.

But you see, men DO NOT have ESP.

I've also encountered a number of women who wanted to meet some man they were absolutely sure would be their future mate, but these women would never introduce themselves. No, their "plan" included things like standing next to him at a store, or touching their hair while standing near him at the bus stop, or by letting him catch them taking a quick glance at him in the library.  For some reason, none of these schemes worked and the guy went on with his life without them.

Why? Because men DO NOT have ESP.

So why is it that women so often complain that their men don't communicate with them, but don't really communicate themselves?

I don't know, because you see, I DO NOT have ESP.

I'm Getting Emotional

There was this interesting Deep Space Nine episode years ago that had a wandering group of refugees visiting the station.  The group were farmers looking for a new planet to settle. What set them apart was that they were a matriarchal society. Yes, an oddity, a society in which women were in all the positions of power.

When Major Kira  asked their leader why women were in charge and not men she answered, with a laugh, “oh, my dear! Men are far too emotional to be in charge.”

My guess is that Kira thought to herself “Ain't that the truth!” Of course in her universe as well as ours, it's the reverse. Men are in all the positions of power. Oh, there may be a handful of congresswomen, etc. but it's mainly men.

The problem is—men may indeed be too emotional.  Of course, right now you're saying to your computer screen (you realize you're talking to yourself, right?) “But Jay, didn't Barbara Jordan once say, authoritatively, that all men had their emotions surgically removed at birth?” or something like that.

Yes she did (sort of), and I think women, and perhaps society, have accepted that belief. The thing is that it's wrong. They accept this belief because it's women who have been allowed to establish the definition of emotion and love for the past four or five decades.

The evidence isn't there though.

For example, look at the thousands of male fans at a football game (male/female ratio about 100/1). 

They have their faces painted, thumping their chests, screaming at the top of their lungs all for the love of their team. That's not emotion?

Crimes of passion.  You know, something like a lover discovers his beloved with another man and kills him (often the woman too). That's not emotion? Of course it is! And sadly, it's mainly men who do it. Um, what I mean is that it's sad that they resort to violence, not sad that it's not more women.

And nine times out of ten that person honking at you and giving you the finger while passing you on the road during rush hour is male.  That's right, that emotion on the road is rage. A very powerful and overwhelming emotion. Mostly male.

So by now you may be picking up on a trend.  These emotions I've been mentioning are rather, um, violent. They are emotions though.  Women choose to ignore them because they define emotions as less violent. Caring, compassion, love and kindness are the emotions that women respect and believe in and have convinced society are the only true emotions. 

Men have these, but are better known for shouting at the ref then for picking up that turtle and moving it off the road.  Because of this, men get saddled with the stereotype of being emotionless.

Women don't help the situation either. Not just in that they are allowed to define the parameters of emotions, but also they have the habit of stating that men who do show emotions (the emotions they accept) are weaklings.  Oddly, they declare this shortly after telling their girlfriends how they wish their man would open up more.

That's right, no matter the emotion we men show, women will have some objection to it.  Yell at the TV because your team just fumbled and she'll say you are too impulsive or excessive.  Drop a few tears and your a pansy boy.

Sheesh.

So it's time we changed things and admit that men are way more emotional then women.  If that happens we men might also agree to let more women into positions of power. In fact, we'd probably welcome this because then more of us could just stay home and watch sports on TV.

Wow.  I'm about to get emotional about that thought. 

  (for more pictures to get emotional about go to http://www.scavengeinc.com/p-951-sexy-referee-costume.aspx)

Talk, Talk

Back in the 80s there was a great band called Talk, Talk.  I don't remember any songs of theirs that included a discussion about talking, but I always like to use their name when I discuss talking just because I still like their music (and their name).

Whenever you talk about men and women, you eventually have to talk about, well, talking.

The stereotype we have about this is that women are the talkers, men less so.  When you think about an image of these, you think about Sarah Jessica Parker of “Sex and the City” fame, who constantly talked, whether with friends, or as a voice over.  For men you typically imagine Clint Eastwood, “the man with no name” from all those spaghetti westerns. I still remember someone asking him a question and his answer was usually ‚ “I reckon.”

However a few years ago a study came out stating this stereotype was wrong. Men speak as much as women. However, their study mainly looked at college students.  I have a feeling they're right in this instance.  I encounter students daily and yes, both male and female seem to talk about the same amount.  This changes though as we age.  Just ask any husband if he can get a word in during dinner. Ask a woman about her shoes and you'll get a mini-seminar on shoe styles. Ask a man and you'll probably only learn his shoe size.

Okay, this might be a little over dramatic, but just from personal experience I think the old stereotype is legit.  Years ago after one of my former girlfriends spent five minutes explaining why the cook at this restaurant hated her because he didn't cook her order like her mother would have, she turned to me and asked, “why don't you talk more?”

“I'm a writer, not a talker.”

I'm not sure she accepted this answer, but she also didn't challenge it either. Instead she went off on some other tangent that I'm sure must have been pretty important—although I have no memory of what it was.

On another occasion—with a different ex—I had a relatively long discussion (a rare occasion for me) on how it was more important to express how you felt toward a person with your actions rather than words. In fact, we had this discussion on a number of occasions. I thought I had really made my point one time after she told me she loved me and I responded by kissing her passionately and hugging her longingly.

Apparently my actions vs. speech concept didn't impress her, as it was just a matter of weeks later that we broke up. I picture her now living with some guy who will gladly tell her he loves her, but prefers to kiss the keys to his new Porsche.

So do women talk more than men? I sure think so. However, although I'm a writer not a talker, I don't really have anything more to say on this.  

Pat Benatar is Hot

Back in the 80s, I coached the Johnston HS soccer team.  Let me brag a little here. Each year I coached, the team got better.  The year before I arrived they didn’t win a game. My first year we only won 2, but it was a step up. After that it was 5-6 and then 7-5.  So sure, we didn’t blaze the league but we were moving up. 

However, I really want to mention something that more relates to what the Thurber Brigade is about. Women and men.  Such as how women can pretty much get us men to do anything, even when we know it may be wrong. Also, how we men can become obsessed with women. 

As for the latter, well, okay, I admit, I was obsessed with Pat Benatar.  What single, straight man in the 80s wasn’t?  

(cover photo from her memoir)

She came onto the scene as a Janis Joplin-style singer (rock, not pop) but with Katharine Hepburn looks.  As she wailed her angst-driven rock songs on the stage in tight spandex pants , we guys were  drooling and swooning in the stands.

Yes, I was obsessed.

So when her tour announced it would make it to Austin, I became driven to see the show, no matter the cost.  Sure, we teachers/coaches were paid peanuts, often working second jobs to put rice and bolgna on the dinner table.  It would be worth it to see this rock goddess prance across the stage.  Unfortunately, shortly after learning about the show, I also learned about my soccer team’s upcoming schedule.  Yes, a game on the same night.

I was depressed, but I was also a typical coach and driven by my passion for the sport (oh, and my job).  So I resigned myself that I would just have to give up on the woman of my dreams for this season.

As for my first point, that would be in relations to one of my top wingers.  He would do anything for his girlfriend, who admittedly, was quite attractive. It didn’t hurt in my book that she was one of those who dressed like and used the hair style of Pat Benetar (as seen in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).  In high schools across America at that time this was a quite prevalent look. In her case, she carried it off very well. 

So the day of the game arrived and my star player was nowhere to be found.  I discovered that he was out sick.  Missed all of his classes, and apparently, it was even excused by the school assistant principal. So I and my team accepted the absence and still managed to go out and win our game. 

However, it was the next day that I learned from my student manager—yes, we coaches do have our own spy network (we didn't have Facebook back then)—that the winger actually had not been sick, but acted so in order to take his girlfriend out that night.

Out to see the Pat Benatar concert!

As you have probably guessed by now, my obsession took over and in a rage, I not only screamed at him at practice that day, I kicked him off the team.  Oh sure, I may have been obsessed with Pat Benatar, but that wasn’t the reason I kicked him off. Trust me. No coach could allow such a deception to stand and expect his team to respect him and to follow his instructions.  So there really was no choice. And quit thinking to yourself, "no Jay, it really was your obsession."

Anyway, I kicked him off and so we played the next game without him too. It was a tie.  So we managed to not lose a game without this guy who betrayed the team all to try to get in better with his girlfriend—who, like me, really was obsessed with Pat Benatar.  As a side note, I think they broke up during the summer.   

Several of the winger’s teammates and friends finally approached me and convinced me that the punishment was too severe. They admitted he had broken the rules, but as a senior, this was his last year to shine, he also was contrite (they assured me) and that he would accept some other punishment. Such as running a lot of extra laps around the field, my usual punishment when I got mad, er, when some player performed poorly. 

Yes, I got over my disappointment at missing the show, at being stabbed in the back, at being lied to.  I let him back on the team.  I think we split the final few games and celebrated at least having a winning season.  It was my final season and probably the most memorable because of this incident.

To this day, I still think Pat Benatar is hot.  I still like her singing. However, every time I hear her, for at least a few seconds during the song, I drift back to that soccer season.  I think about the games, the crowds and all the hoopla that surrounds playing high school sports. I also think about how women can make us guys do the strangest things.

The 1983 Johnston High School soccer team

Jay's Hunting Tips

People look at me these days and say “You sure don’t look like a hunter.”  However, I tell them they judge me not by my experience, but by my age. I have a lot of hunting experience, in fact, I’ve been hunting for decades. So just because there’s a few less hairs on my head and a little more gray in my beard don’t think that I’m no longer hunting. 

And although I may not be bringing home as many trophies as in my younger years, I’ve still got quite a bit of good advice for those guys who have not been out in the field as much. So without further ado, here are a few of Jay’s Hunting Tips:

• Remember that it is you the hunter who picks the prey.  The prey doesn’t pick you.  So if you want to go for younger prey, as long as you aren’t breaking any laws, go for it!  Don’t listen to others who complain that you should be hunting for more mature prey. They are either jealous of your ability to hunt younger prey, or are just too lazy to make the effort themselves. 

• Men are much better hunters than women .  In fact, most of these hunting tips are aimed at men because there are so few female hunters. Oh, they talk a good game, but they mainly come up with schemes of how they would hunt or lure the prey to them, but rarely actually go out on a hunt. I still remember meeting this female who talked about putting on some special hunting clothes and how she would easily nail the prey. But remember the first tip, it’s the hunter that picks the prey. The prey isn’t going to come to you because you have some fancy hunting gear on, you have to go to the prey.  This brings up the next tip.

• Know the terrain you in which you will hunt.  Would you jump into a swamp in Louisiana without first checking for gators ?  Of course not.  Likewise when you go hunting you need to do a recon of the area.  When you first get to where you will begin your hunt, scan the area, look to see if it’s hunter friendly.  Will it be easy to get around? Is there too much competition from other hunters which lessen your odds of success?  Look for barriers which would prevent you from bagging your prey (such as angry anti-hunters—often females!).

•  Stalk prey that is alone.  Oh, sure. Sometimes the prey can seem easy even if gathered in a group, but let me assure you that no matter how docile those prey standing together may seem, they can be quite formidable if riled or if they believe they must protect your potential target.  In fact, if you insist on trying to hunt prey that repeatedly inhabit the area in groups, then be sure and take a good friend to help you in your hunt.  Having a buddy you can trust on a hunt is invaluable when you encounter prey in herds. 

So those are a few of my more valuable tips.  Use them to your best ability and I can assure you that if you take them to heart, you will be successful when you go out on a hunt.

Oops!  Darn this computer.  I just noticed that the auto-correct function was on when I typed in those tips.  For some reason, whenever I tried to type in dating, it changed it to hunting.  Sorry about that. The above are Jay’s Dating Tips.  Hope they help.

(Image courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net)