God and Wyoming

It was time that He taught them a lesson. For too long He had let things go, and now it was out of hand. His only alternative was to make them see the error of their ways, and to do that, He would reclaim what was His. He would repossess Wyoming.

God reached down his hand and pointed to that western state, and then in a booming voice, heard around the world in every language, He announced His plan.

"People of the world, behold! I, your master and maker, have grown dissatisfied with your despoiling of my beautiful creation. You foul the air, you darken the waters and you ruin the land. Therefore, as a token of my anger, and to show you the folly of your evil ways, I am reclaiming a piece of what is mine. I will take back the area the people in the United States call "Wyoming." No human may walk through this land or travel through its air until that time that I deem man has learned his lesson!"

The people of the world listened to God's words, thought about them for a moment, then collectively shrugged their shoulders.

"Fine with us," they said in Germany.

"Whatever you say," they agreed in Kenya.

"Why not?" they all intoned in China.

Of course, the people in the U.S. weren't too keen on this idea, especially the ones in Wyoming. So the people began to mumble amongst themselves. They rent their clothes and wailed to the heavens, and of course, there were some who threw dirt on themselves. A few even began to fashion a golden idol in the shape of a television set, in the hopes of attracting a more modern God. However, the majority organized as a whole and began to question God.

Just as God was about to reach down to Earth again, to wipe out the few people in the state and to put an invisible barrier around the borders, He heard the collective voice of the people crying up to him.

"Hey! Who do you think you are?" they said.

God paused and looked quizzically down at the United States. "I'm God. Didn't I say that earlier?"

"Prove it," they answered back.

"Thou shalt not test the Lord, thy God," God snapped back.

The people thought about this for a moment and then came up with a new track. "Okay, so maybe you're God, and maybe you ain't. But why pick on us?"

"I'm not picking on you, I'm trying to show you the error of your ways before you completely destroy the world."

"So why the U.S.? Why not some desert somewhere, or some Godless country like, oh, Belgium?"

God was taken aback. These people are all insane, maybe He should take the whole country. No, it would defeat the purpose, He told himself.

"Listen," God said, trying not to raise his voice in anger. "I picked the U.S. because you are the biggest abuser, the most ungodly and materialistic of the countries. If you can see the error of your ways, perhaps others will also."

The people were flustered. "Wait a minute!" they said in unison. "At least let us have a congressional study about it."

God shrugged his shoulders. Since a day is as a thousand to him, He decided it wouldn't matter. Of course, God hadn't paid much attention to congress before and didn't realize what he was getting into. The congressmen yelled at each other, went on fact-finding trips to Paris and visited with lobbyists and constituents for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, even His patience was strained (at the time, the issue was in a joint committee), and He decided to claim Wyoming.

"Time's up!" God said. "I am taking what is mine."

But just as He reached down to claim the state, the people let out one large groan. "Wait! Wait! At least give us a fair trial!" they all said.

God laughed. "You people have been breathing the air too long. I'm God. There is no need for a trial. I am just. I am truth."

But it didn't matter. Before God could claim His land, the people had organized a court and were beginning the trial. He should have, and could have, gone ahead and taken what was rightfully His, but His curiosity was piqued, and since He had given them free will, He had to see what they were up to. He pulled off the roof of the building they were holding the trial in, not because He needed to see inside mind you, mainly just to reinforce His presence, and He marveled at the people's creativity. The people had cleverly picked the best trial lawyers in the world to represent them, and had assigned the losingest lawyer in history to represent him. Well, maybe it wasn't that clever. Anyway, He laughed and told His lawyer to take a hike.

"So you want to represent yourself?" the judge asked.

"Of course. I am God."

"Well, might be foolhardy. It's best to have a lawyer, but it's your prerogative."

The trial dragged on for years. It soon became the longest case in history. The lawyers for the people opened by challenging His status as God. He attempted to prove His existence by turning the reporters in attendance into jackals, but the judge disallowed the evidence as inconclusive. He then turned the judge into a pillar of salt and so the lawyers agreed in principle that he might be God.

However, the bitterest exchanges came later over rights to the land.

"Do you have a deed to this land, sir?" one of the crack attorneys asked.

"Deed? I am God. I created this land!"

"Immaterial. We have countless witnesses on hand who can come forward and prove ownership to various tracts of land within Wyoming. Legal documents, mind you. Leases and contracts assigning the land to them and their heirs."

God shook His head in disgust. "So having a piece of paper gives you people right to this land?"

"It is a legal document assigning the rights to that land, yes."

"Then, where did the previous owners get their piece of paper to the land?" God asked with a chuckle.

"From the previous owners," all the lawyers chimed in smugly.

"And from the previous owners and previous owners and previous owners, etc. And I assume those previous and previous owners bought their paper from the Indians?" God said, with a twinkle in His eyes.

"Objection!" the lawyers shouted to the new judge.

"Sustained," he said.

God turned him into a frog and then continued with this argument. "Of course you object! Your previous owners didn't buy a piece of paper from the Indians. The Indians were barbarians to the previous owners and incapable of owning pieces of paper! The Indians didn't own the land in the same manner as the previous owners. They didn't put up fences, post signs, build houses. So the previous owners took the land and made up their pieces of paper!" God bellowed.

"Ah, but can we be held responsible for the actions of our forebears?" a young lawyer from Iowa asked.

"Good point," God declared, right before turning him into a rabbit. He thought better of it and changed him back, for he was, after all, a forgiving God. "But there is a point where madness must be brought to a halt. Such as destroying the land, or falsely believing that a piece of paper can prove ownership and thereby gives you the right to abuse that land. The real point I was about to get to, was that even though the previous owners stole the land from the Indians, the Indians did not own it--which they admitted, I might add. They knew that the land was not a possession you could hold and presume to own, but was an entity which you can love and work with. It is a companion that can help, or hurt you. A living force that has life through the creatures that inhabit it! Yes, this land that you deem can be owned by pushing around pieces of paper, is a spirit that lives and grows within all creatures, and like a creature with flesh, can die if mistreated! This, this is why I have come to reclaim what I created!" God shouted, pointing a finger at the state to add emphasis.

The jury and spectators went wild. They stood in unison and applauded and shouted hallelujahs (for God was a very persuasive orator). The media that hadn't been turned into jackals burst from the courtroom to be the first to report the dramatic turn, and the hoopla went on for days. It was a foregone conclusion that God had won the trial, and the jury took just two days (a mere half second to God) to deliberate and rule in God's favor.

However, before God could claim Wyoming, the lawyers found a technicality and the new, new judge was left with no alternative but to rule in the people's favor. God was rightly disappointed and turned the new, new judge into a cockroach. He also vowed to appeal the ruling.

At this time, the case is in federal court and is in its fortieth year. Wyoming has since been turned into a parking lot.

(image from http://iselgfx.deviantart.com/gallery/)

 The Thurber Brigade decided to go with a short story this time because James Thurber wrote short stories and, well, okay, I'm a little behind in "things" right now. This was originally published in the small literary magazine "Barbaric Yawp" in December of 2001. You can also find it and other short stories at Jay's Place. When I wrote it I thought our country might improve in its treatment of our environment, but, alas, it may have gotten worse. I now just hope that our children will do a better job as well as forgive us for screwing things up. However, I have a feeling they'll probably more than likely be dancing on our graves as they attempt to correct what we've done.

 

 

Write This Way: Another Thurber Brigade Sidestep

Jay's "neat" writing space

Since returning from vacation a short while ago, I have neglected The Thurber Brigade.  Therefore, not having a stinging blog about relationships and The War Between Men and Women I thought I’d take another writing sidestep and provide some insight into my writing.

First off, some people have suggested that I might be insane:

✍ My short stories are usually satire and humor

✍ My books are typically action/adventure or mystery

✍  My newspaper/magazine articles are usually serious subjects

 

✍ My blog focuses on male/female (mis)behavior

✍  My comments on Facebook mainly rant about politics

I think instead of insanity though, it’s just that I like to try different things. Speaking of different, here’s a few little tidbits about my writing.

Don’t try this at home

When I began doing research for my eBook TAX BREAK, one of my activities included a recon (military jargon for reconnaissance) of the Austin IRS building. Believe it or not, I actually drove around the whole place. No, not on the street nearby, right next to it. At that time, the parking lot was right next to the building and included the back. So I just drove through the parking lot near the building. If I remember correctly, I think there was a door at the back with some people hanging out and smoking. I always believed that I could easily have just parked and walked inside. I didn’t though, I just drove around.

Keep in mind this was back around 1991.  As a nation we were a little naïve back then and so what I did probably wasn’t that much out of the ordinary. Today just about all federal buildings are fortresses. Last time I drove by (not around) the IRS building they had erected a large, sturdy fence. I’m sure there are quite a few other security measures too. So don’t even think of trying anything like I did way back then.

As a side note, after the OK City bombing in 1995 whenever I submitted my book to a publisher, I’d include a little note stating that I didn’t model my book after those killers nor want to do anything to the government.

Voss up?

My other eBook, WINGS OF HONOR, has a serial killer who shoots down unarmed, small airplanes.  In one of my other sidesteps I talked about how the killer was based loosely on the killers in the slasher movies that were popular around that time.

I don’t give away many clues to the killer, but one interesting aspect of his personality is his affinity for all things German WWI.  After all, he flies a Fokker triplane, likes to sing in German (sort of. Yes, that’s a hint), but on a lighter note, he has a dog named Voss.  That’s Werner Voss.

Werner Voss was considered the second greatest German fighter pilot of the war. Maybe in homage to that pilot, the killer named his dog after him.  In the first reference to him I say he’s a “small, wiry collie.”  When I dreamed him up though, I really thought of a Sheltie, or Shetland Sheepdog, which in the old days they called a Shetland Collie. Although I pictured the killer having a smaller dog like a Sheltie, to me it didn’t seem right verbally to include that. “Collie” sounds more regal or tougher, so I would always try to mention that Voss was a small collie.  What? You didn’t think that writers worry about every little aspect of their books. Well, we do. Right down to the dogs they own.

What is honor?

Another insight about WINGS OF HONOR is that although no one really knows much about the killer, I actually visualized him as a nice guy. Hey, he had a Sheltie after all. Uh, I mean Collie. He also owns a small private farm, so probably has money (which doesn’t mean he’s nice, but helps paint a picture of him). He just has a very distorted idea about who should be allowed to take to the skies. So a nice guy with a killer instinct? Yeah, he might be a touch schizophrenic

Paul on the other hand is a jerk. At the beginning of the book I even tried to make it seem like he might be the killer, but later we understand it's not him. I made him a jerk to contrast him with the super nice guy Dallas.  So in a way Paul is a bit of an “anti-hero.”  With this contrast between Paul and Dallas I attempted to make a statement about honor. We Americans too easily think of a big tough guy who beats up and kills bad guys as a good guy. But is that really honorable?

SEX!

This has nothing to do with this blog nor my short stories.
I'm just trying to keep you interested.

Ha ha, I had to throw that in there to see if you were still reading. It’s also a good way for me to bring up my short stories. Several of them even mention sex quite often. However, none of them are really about sex. For example, “Raw Sex in theWild” is really about the environment and National Parks. I had read an article about how some republican (purposely not capitalized) wanted to have a state park named after a corporation. This really made me mad, but also made me think about what would happen if loonies like this actually had enough power to do something like that and ruined our parks? 

Likewise, "Cars, Sex and American Fulfillment" has nothing to do with sex but instead makes fun of America's infatuation with cars, especially humongous gas guzzlers. The cover of the magazine it appeared in was just as hilarious as my story:

I’m still attempting to get someone to publish my collection of short stories, but until that happens you can read a few of my selections at Jay’s Place.

 A Policing Action

When I wrote "Dead Men Tell No Tales" I originally planned on it being a book. I would have a section on police killing civilians, one on random violent acts by them (you know, like bludgeoning Rodney King) and a section on corruption and other evil acts. After little success finding a publisher and getting a little depressed about the subject (there were thousands of cases), I just turned it into the current article and got someone to publish it.

Some people believe I hate cops, but that isn't really the case. What bothers me is that police are always given the benefit of the doubt. If a case boils down to a cop's word versus a defendant, the cop always wins. This is because most people, well white people, believe it' the exception when the cop does something wrong. I wanted too point out this isn't the case at all. In fact, I think there's an overwhelming amount of police malfeasance and it is either ignored, unreported or justified because the person doing it is a cop. The latter is where the person thinking about this situation will tell himself that "well, it was a cop, he was just doing his job and had to do it for some reason."

With all the new reports, I'm tempted to try a book again, but I would have to figure out a way to avoid the depression from reading all the cases.

 What's up with that blog?

 I had to include one picture of this blog's namesake

 Lastly, let me give you a little insight about this blog. When I started it, I thought it would be merely about the ins and outs of relationships. If you read the first couple of blogs you'll see this. However, as I did research for the blog I kept running into women's blogs where they pretty much put men on the same level as sea slugs. So I slowly began to make this a sort of counter-point. For example, in the recent controversial blog about women drivers (I had women "unfriend" me and the HR guy at work threaten my job) it came about because I kept running into female blogs about mens' driving (he's a monster, etc.). Or the blog on how men are always told to grow up because women get to decide what is adult behavior was spawned by countless women's blogs about how apish men act.

I also want to point out something else about the blog. I remember years ago a fun TV show called "My World and Welcome To It." It was loosely based on James Thurber and starred William Windom. In one episode he was getting raked over the coals because he was always writing about some odd behaviors of women he didn't like when his daughter came up to him and said "Dad, you don't hate women, you hate everyone." Or something like that. He was a little nonplussed about this, but he did have a habit of yelling at the neighbor kids, arguing with his boss, etc.

So I just want to say that I don't hate women. In fact, I believe women might be better than men. They can withstand more pain, they seldom start any wars, won't break your nose if you look at them wrong and are less emotional then us guys. That doesn't mean I'm not going to talk smack about them. I could write just as much about men, but hey, we need to have some balance around here, plus I am a guy after all and so have to stand up for the team.

Therefore you'll probably continue to see goofy blogs here about the differences between men and women. However, instead of calling my boss, why don't you just write an angry comment below. That's right, there is a section for comments and so far in two years there have been only three. So come on, grow a pair (darn, I should have used that in my last blog) and type your anger to the world. If there' something I like better then writing contrarian, controversial blogs, it's getting into lively, spirited exchanges. Give it a shot.

Oh and one final thing about my writing: buy my books! They're great.