Close Encounters, Part I

Hawkeye’s was a bar on Austin's Sixth Street in the early days of that avenue's transformation into the city's premiere entertainment location. Typical for Sixth Street at that time, it had the laid-back, friendly atmosphere as opposed to today's loud and obnoxious. 

Not really that much different than the other bars downtown, but my friends and I liked it best because of the beer specials and, most importantly, its free happy hour snacks. Typically, this consisted of finger sandwiches, chicken nuggets, etc. Nothing fancy, but for us poor college students a life saver as we could go in and order one beer, then stuff ourselves for the next hour.

It was often my only real food for the week (I was a really poor college student).

However, the main reason I always wanted to go there was because of the wait staff.  I was particularly taken with Susan. A thin brunet who always reminded me of the girl in the Semisonic music video "Closing Time." Her eyes were mesmerizing, her smile tantalizing. I was smitten.

 So I would drag my roommates down to Hawkeyes whenever I had a few dollars and they were desperate for food.

In those days, I was pretty good at picking up females. It probably was my sky blue eyes and sandy blond locks (which I really miss).

 

(miss that hair)

 However, for some reason I could never get up much nerve to talk to Susan in anything more than brief comments. My friends Ace and Lance thought it was funny, but at least they always tried to help me. Often deflecting conversation with Susan my way. But I never got much more than little tidbits about her life.

Finally I got the nerve up to ask for her phone number. I think she had been particularly nice to me that night, so it probably got my courage up to take a chance. With a cute smile, she wrote it out on one of the bar's napkins (this was before cell phones). After finishing my beer, I told her I'd call her the next day and with my prize in hand my friends and I headed home.

Unfortunately, when we got home my brother was there, having made an unannounced visit from Houston. He wanted to go out and since he had money, how could I resist? So out we went again (not to Hawkeye's) and promptly got blitzed.  When we got back to the apartment much later that night, I did the polite thing and let him sleep in my bed. He did after all pay for the beer. I slept on the floor. In my clothes. I have a feeling it was not the plan, as much as it was just the easiest thing to do.

So when I woke up the next morning, a little taken aback that I was on the floor and in my clothes (it was a lot of beer), as soon as I had recovered enough senses, I checked my back pocket for the napkin.

It was gone!

I panicked. I checked again, then checked all my pockets. I crawled around the floor looking under everything. I scoured the entire apartment, even all the wastebaskets. Completely gone.

I wanted to head down to Hawkeyes immediately, but my friends convinced me that it would be better to wait two days (still don't know how they came up with the time) otherwise I'd be seen as desperate. Which I was of course, but I sure didn't want to appear that way. I admit, it's a macho thing.

So two days later we headed to Hawkeyes. Susan was gone. I knew it was her night to work (one of the few things I learned from her) so I was a little taken aback. I asked our new waitress if she knew what happened to Susan, and was shocked to learn she quit. Luckily, this waitress was a friend of hers and so let us know where she was now working.

I won't go into the bloody details, but rest assured I tracked her down at the new place, could tell she was more than a little pissed I hadn't called as promised, but the big point was that I didn't have the nerve to ask for her number again.

To this day I still think back to this incident. As a writer with a fervent imagination I dream out all sorts of scenarios, usually with us heading off into the sunset, her laughing off my little escapade and making plans for our future family. In some ways,  I'm a little glad that didn't happen, but the thoughts are still there.

So there are two main conclusions to this tale: one is to always write down important numbers in two places at least (or right away enter it in your fancy cell phone) and two, for females to not be afraid to make first contact. If you like a guy, and he hasn't called—call him!

 Of course, I know the latter will never happen, so we'll discuss it in the future in another communique from the ThurberBrigade here at the front in the ongoing War Between Men and Women. 

Why men go to bars

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Talk, Talk, part II

Last year one of my blogs dealt with whether men or women talked more than the other.  However, just as important is the nature of that talk. Conversations between men and women vary depending on the situation. If you really want to “see” the difference between these two life forms you should witness it first hand at bars. 

In fact, most of the time that I go to bars these days is to watch and listen to people. Oh, in the old days my main purpose was to continue the hunt for females, but as I've grown older I do this less often. Okay, consuming beer is another big reason I go, but I see that as a bonus.

I know you are thinking what a creepy guy I must be to eavesdrop on people. However, as a writer I believe I have an obligation to do this in order to ensure my dialog is up to date. I even wrote an article about how writers have an "eavesdropper license" to do this (“Writer’s Connections” 12/95).

One of the things I have always noticed, and experienced, is that early in the relationship when a man and woman go out, it's the man who must begin and make most of the conversation. It begins by him having to ask questions. Things like "what kind of music do you like," "what did you major in at school?" Small talk to get the conversation going.

The female will answer, sometimes in detail but only if the guy pushes her for more. If the male stops asking questions, there will be a long, painful, lull in talk until the male asks the next question. The funny part of this scenario, is that if there are a lot of long pauses, the male is accused of not being much of a talker. Trust me, it's a no win situation. So don't try to point out the female's lack of talk.

Later in the relationship it's completely reversed. I'm pretty sure this is caused by the feeling the woman has that now the relationship is solid, so she can talk more (it’s a commitment thing). Now the female talks constantly with the male only getting to make a brief observation every so often. Of course, this observation is usually considered wrong, but at least he got a word in to the mix.

In groups I've also noticed trends. For example, usually the conversations include topics that include the whole group at the beginning of the evening. Things like how the couples met, or what they like to do together. As the night, and drinks, continue, there starts to be a segregation.

The men begin to converse with each other. Typically about sports or work. The females begin to talk to each other about clothes or past bad dates. Occasionally, there will be some random crossover where they all talk together again, usually about a mutual friend, especially if that friend is in disfavor. But it will eventually evolve back to separate groups.

The most interesting conversations between males and females in bars concerns sex. The male is always in the hunt for sex but must be coy or it might frighten away the prey. Oops, slipped into the hunting rules again. Sorry. So the male might say something like, "your eyes penetrate my soul," or "I love the way the hot sweat rolls down your arm." The phrase doesn't really have to mean anything as much as it must include words that could illicit thoughts of sex. If the female doesn't resist the words, such as change the subject to shoes, etc. then the male will begin to make more obvious comments.  All of this conversation just to ease the situation into something more about sex.

Women typically don't use conversation to try to get the male to think about sex. Largely she will either leave it to the male to make the move or trust that the male's ESP abilities are working. In other words, it's not as imperative to the female as it is to the male. The most common occurrence in this battle of wills is that if nothing happens the female will just tell her friends the next day that she had been leaving all the signals, therefore the guy must have been gay.

So next time you're in a bar on your own, subtly listen to the couple the next table over to hear the latest sounds from The War Between Men and Women. Oh, and if you're a female and notice a single guy who might be trying to hear what you are saying to your girlfriend, well, buy me a pint. Next blog, we may discuss why this never happens unless the guy is a tycoon or rock star.

Conversation over

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Signs, Signs...Can't you read the signs?

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South by Southwest (SxSW) has got to be one of my favorite events here in Austin. Thousands of bands at dozens of venues along with 100,000 of your closest friends. What's not to like. So at the most recent version I was hanging out at B.D. Riley's  when a typical occurrence happened in the on going War Between Men and Women (ahem, note the name of this blog).

I was standing at the back of the open area in front of the stage, the usual location for me. It gives me a good view of the band and is usually not that crowded so I don't have to worry about a random elbow. 

The next thing I know a cute female strolls up and stands next to me. Mind you, there are better viewing spots available. So this seemed a little odd. Was she like me and just wanted to avoid the mad pushing near the stage? Or was she sending me a sign? I looked at her and she casually ran her hand through her hair.

Ah, surely this was a sign that she was interested. Of course, right as I was about to cast out a line, her boyfriend walked up with a drink. Typical.

You see, women are notorious for sending out false signs, and just as notorious for wondering why we guys never can get their signals.

A few years ago there was a report about how men are worse at recognizing signs then women. I think this is because we've been bombarded by so many fake ones, that we no longer can distinguish a valid one from a fake.

For example, in the scene mentioned above I told how the female ran her hand through her hair. 

According to some "experts" on visual cues, this is a sign that a female is attracted to you. But time after time we guys discover this is seldom the case. It's more likely a female purposely misleading a male, or else she's oblivious to the message she is sending.

Also, the sign of moving close to someone is way too confusing. Sure, it's a little obvious when the place is nearly empty, but it's much more bewildering when there's a crowd. I remember numerous times when a female would stand near me and even move with me when the crowd shifted. 

 But on almost every occasion, after throwing a line, she would move away hurriedly. Oh, it could have been a lousy line, but it happens too often to be anything more than women sending mixed messages.

In the past I was crazy about hitting the nightclubs to hit the floor (dance) with whatever female was in the same mood. However, I've all but given that up due to one night at the old Continental Club . Not the current hip one, the previous one when it was darker and cooler. Anyway, on that night I asked 10 different females to dance.

 Not a one would join me. Most gave the signal that they wanted to dance. You know, like tapping their toes to the tune, dancing in place just off the floor. You've seen them. 

But they were false signs. Ever since that day I laugh when I hear the Cindy Lauper song, "Girls just want to have fun."  Yeah, right. That is why all those females acted like I was asking for a deep commitment, or maybe thought I was the Boston Strangler. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if they hadn't been sending those false signs.

The fake sign that bothers me the most though, is the one where you think the woman is ready to do the horizontal dance. 

For example, your date suddenly starts to exude compassion. She rubs your arm, squeezes your hand gently kisses you on the cheek or runs her hand through your hair. Well, in my case it usually is rub my head. But you've seen those signs. So when you slowly begin to unbutton here blouse and she grabs your hand to stop you, you know that once again you were the victim of the female mixed message sign.

So we guys will undoubtedly keep trying to decipher the signals we're getting. After all, our brains are constantly thinking of sex (not every seven seconds, but a lot)so we have to keep trying. But understand that if we sometimes act crazy, it's largely because we've been driven there by females planting those deceptive signs in the road to relationships.

Even I can get this sign

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/) 

What Do You Mean By That?

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Years ago I remember talking to this woman I was dating and told her we should hook up later at a place I liked back then (A.J.'s steaks and Hoagies). By this I meant that we should meet at the place and then wander on after a few beers.

So maybe it's showing my age, but recently I learned that nowadays when you say you want to "hook up" it means you want to have sex.

In a way I kind of like this new meaning as now I can be coy and say "hey, you want to hook up?" In a casual manner, hoping she will want to have sex, and if she is instead offended, I'll just say I didn't know the new meaning.

Of course, this also brings to mind the difference men and women have in what we say and what we mean.

For example, when a guy says I'll call you later, it can mean anywhere from half a day to later in the week.  When a woman hears that, she assumes he'll be calling in a few hours.  The difference in the two meanings comes from the habit of men to be either very specific when they know for sure what they want: "I'll call you in an hour." Compared to women associating a generic term to more precise timing: "I'll call you later (in a few hours)."

A more classic example of the difference in meaning between the two sexes is the rendezvous scenario. A guy will say I'll pick you up at seven. A female will take this to mean he'll pick her up at 7:30 but they won't be leaving until eight. Hence the female is never ready when the guy arrives.

Also when a guy says he likes something it usually means that he really does like it. However, women will often say they like something, but it's situational. If she is with her lifelong best friend, she probably really means it. If she is with a group of people, or on a date with a new acquaintance, it is more likely she doesn't like it, but will say it to make her seem more agreeable To her companions.

This is almost the reverse in the meaning a man will use when answering a female who has just asked "how do I look?"  

 The male will invariably say "you look great." What he really believes is immaterial as he will only say what will make him seem more agreeable to the female (and won't make her mad). A female will actually tell the man what she really believes if asked "how do I look?" She'll say "that sweatshirt makes you look like a slob" instead of what he wants to hear (you look badass), because she knows the male will not think any less of her, and will probably ignore her observation unless he's hoping for sex later.

Of course, if a female asks the dreaded question; the question all men fear and tremble over when it is uttered, the question men have been known to risk injuring themselves in order to avoid: "do I look fat in this dress?" Well, we may never know the difference in meaning between men and women, because men will never answer but will flee with haste.

 (No, she doesn't look fat, really)

That probably means something.

Hook up?

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

You Should be Committed!

 (Men would like to be committed to her)

One of the main mantras you hear from women about men, is that we are afraid of commitment. Afraid to make a hard and fast long-term avowal to a single female. Well, to a degree they are right. Sure, I admit it.  However, it's more complicated than that. 

 The truth is that men are very open to commitment, but we have a time element tied to when we will do it.

In other words, if men don't get some sort of acknowledgement from the female in the early stages of the relationship, then yes, we will avoid commitment.

But this is only a portion of the true problem in this situation. You see, women are scared to death of commitment.  

 That's right, you heard me.  It is women who have the true fear of commitment. They only begin to think about commitment way down the road. After the male has spent massive amounts of time, effort and of course, money to try and win the female's heart.

A number of years ago, the comic strip "Cathy" by Cathy Guisewite ran a cartoon that pretty much admitted this. In it she explains how it is man who must first put his heart out on the line, must make first contact, must, well, pretty much do everything relationship-related at the beginning of that relationship. The funny part of the strip, is that in the final panel all the women admit they see no reason to change this situation.

What it boils down to is that the commitment that women say men are afraid to take part in, is really the commitment that comes when the whole deal is already settled. When it's clear that it's safe. In other words, a long time after the initial contact and those shaky early days when the possibility of heartbreak is most likely.

It's the male who must take all the risks.

I remember a woman I had begun a relationship with a number of years ago who would never call me. 

I had to make every contact. I also had to make every choice about what to do, but that's a different blog. Anyway, I wanted to test her commitment to the relationship and see if she would be willing to take a chance and call me. So I stopped calling her. We didn't go out for three weeks! We eventually crossed paths and so I asked her out. Over dinner she was shocked to learn of my plan. However, she also admitted she didn't make any effort herself to contact me, even though she had wanted to see me.

So it's little wonder that we males give up.  After countless weeks of making all the effort to get the relationship off the ground, when we don't get even a little sign that it's going to work, we just throw our hands up and say,"enough."  And walk away.

 This is interpreted by females as a sign of lack of commitment.  In fact, it's just a sign that they have had enough of the female's lack of interest in the relationship.

So this impasse will continue until women have the will to take a chance early, or men decide they think the long haul is worth the price of the ticket. Oh, they Might hang on for a while--if the sex is good--but after a time they invariably decide to look elsewhere for someone who might be willing to take as big of a chance as they will.

You see we men are committed to finding a female who will be committed to us.

She's committed!

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Will You Grow up!

 (Roughhousing that men really want)

 Remember when you were little your and your friends would come over? Invariably a wrestling match would break out.  

 It wasn't the result of anger or insult, but more likely from him hitting you in the shoulder, you retaliating and then the whole thing blossomed into a giant, roll on the floor, knock over the lamp, wrestle fest.  Usually ending when either you or he said "uncle."

This is normal male behavior.  It's as common as wanting the biggest piece of pie or wanting to be the captain of your pick-up baseball game.

Face it, men are just an aggressive, competitive species. Some say it’s due to our testosterone levels or some believe it's evolutionary.

This behavior doesn't end at childhood though. We carry it throughout our adult life.  You see it when males are together in bars, when they get together in board rooms, in congress, well, just about everywhere. Men just keep competing against each other.

 This isn't really a problem though, except that females hate this behavior in adult males. To them, this is "childish" behavior. They deem it this because they've seen it in men since childhood and equate it to that time.

As I brought up in a previous blog, women have been allowed to decide what is or isn't emotion and so have decided that men are not as emotional as themselves. This is also the case with adult behavior.  Women have been allowed to set the parameters of what is or isn't adult behavior.

So when you are at a sports bar with your bro, and suddenly elbow him in the side after you make the best comment of the day and he invariably elbows you back and lets you know that he is far more witty after those five beers. Well, according to the female species, you are acting like a child.

There are other examples of male behavior in which you can elicit females to roll their eyes and mutter under their breaths, "grow up." Things such as racing another male to the end of the block, arguing with your neighbor about something you don't really care about, you just want to argue, or insisting on going to that movie just because there are more explosions.

So these adult women who look down their grown up noses at us rowdy men prove that they are more mature how? Well, of course there's the gather their with their closest friends to drink tea.

Just like they did with Mrs. Beasley and Mittens when they were little girls. 

Or even more likely, put on a fashion show for their besties with the latest purchases from some super expensive shoppe (or boutique) just like they did with their mother's clothes when they were eight.

 

Basically, their adult behavior is just the very same things they did as children. 

 

It's just more acceptable because, we'll, it's less violent and of course, because they say so. Just like what emotions are okay, society has said they get to pick what is grown up.

So next time you're passing some outdoor cafe and see a gaggle of laughing females enjoying high tea and scones, roll your eyes, look disgustedly at them and say (loud enough for the whole place to hear) "why don't you little girls grow up?"

Maybe if this happens often enough, we can begin to even the playing field in a few decades.

 

(Men don't really mind when women dress up like this)

images from: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

That is Super(ficial)!

A number of years ago while walking with my then girlfriend (Ex), I made the male mistake of looking a little too long at a female who ran by us. I admit I'm a leg man. I'm a jogger after all.  So my action resulted in a long lecture of how superficial I was for being attracted to a beautiful woman. Oh, of course I also learned I was a lech.

So my guess is that every man has received that lecture.  It's because we really are superficial.  I have no doubt about it, therefore I don't mind letting the cat out of the bag. Also, because men do not have ESP I figured it is only fair to be open about this.

It is our nature.  I believe it is linked to caveman days when the alpha male always wanted and fought for the primo female. 

Men also get to experience this lecture when we make a casual comment about a woman's weight. For example if you see a picture of Jessica Simpson and say she doesn't look like she'll fit in those Daisy Duke shorts anymore.   

(Not Jessica, but I had to include this for the guys)

You will be hopelessly chastised, even though she made her fame on her previous looks and would be nowhere near as famous today without them.

However with this admission of guilt I also point my finger at the female population and exclaim that they are just as guilty of being superficial—if not more. 

I remember years ago a game targeted at young girls called “Mystery Date.”  The object of the game was to get to the right spot and win a date with a dream boy. This game entailed that when the player landed on the right space she would get the chance to open a door to see who her date would be. There were a wide variety of possibilities. When you looked closer though it turned out to be the same guy. In each picture he just wore different clothes. So in the “loser” window he would have on old clothes and be barefoot (a hillbilly), but in the window for the good date the man would have on a tux.

However, this isn't a case of looks (which men utilize), this is a case about income.  That's right, women judge men based on how much money they have in the bank. So in the "Mystery Date" it's not because the guy looks like a dork, he's not desirable because he looks poor. 

Tsk, soooo superficial.

Again I see this as a matter of nature. When that cave woman looked for a mate, she went with the one who could support her the best. The alpha male most likely to bring home the most mastodon bacon.

You can see this female superficiality easily enough in the way they converse with each other. For example, when one female learns her bf has just met a new guy, what is her first question?

“So what does he do?”  She wants to know how much he makes. What is his position in society.

 

On the other hand, us superficial guys always ask, “so what does she look like?”

More proof of this female superficiality is the unbelievable number of ugly guys with beautiful women.

So next time your girlfriend chastises you for staring at some super model who walks by, chastise her for staring at the bulge in some other guy's pants. 

 

The bulge made by his wallet.

(images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)