Signs, Signs...Can't you read the signs?

South by Southwest (SxSW) has got to be one of my favorite events here in Austin. Thousands of bands at dozens of venues along with 100,000 of your closest friends. What's not to like. So at the most recent version I was hanging out at B.D. Riley's  when a typical occurrence happened in the on going War Between Men and Women (ahem, note the name of this blog).

I was standing at the back of the open area in front of the stage, the usual location for me. It gives me a good view of the band and is usually not that crowded so I don't have to worry about a random elbow. 

The next thing I know a cute female strolls up and stands next to me. Mind you, there are better viewing spots available. So this seemed a little odd. Was she like me and just wanted to avoid the mad pushing near the stage? Or was she sending me a sign? I looked at her and she casually ran her hand through her hair.

Ah, surely this was a sign that she was interested. Of course, right as I was about to cast out a line, her boyfriend walked up with a drink. Typical.

You see, women are notorious for sending out false signs, and just as notorious for wondering why we guys never can get their signals.

A few years ago there was a report about how men are worse at recognizing signs then women. I think this is because we've been bombarded by so many fake ones, that we no longer can distinguish a valid one from a fake.

For example, in the scene mentioned above I told how the female ran her hand through her hair. 

According to some "experts" on visual cues, this is a sign that a female is attracted to you. But time after time we guys discover this is seldom the case. It's more likely a female purposely misleading a male, or else she's oblivious to the message she is sending.

Also, the sign of moving close to someone is way too confusing. Sure, it's a little obvious when the place is nearly empty, but it's much more bewildering when there's a crowd. I remember numerous times when a female would stand near me and even move with me when the crowd shifted. 

 But on almost every occasion, after throwing a line, she would move away hurriedly. Oh, it could have been a lousy line, but it happens too often to be anything more than women sending mixed messages.

In the past I was crazy about hitting the nightclubs to hit the floor (dance) with whatever female was in the same mood. However, I've all but given that up due to one night at the old Continental Club . Not the current hip one, the previous one when it was darker and cooler. Anyway, on that night I asked 10 different females to dance.

 Not a one would join me. Most gave the signal that they wanted to dance. You know, like tapping their toes to the tune, dancing in place just off the floor. You've seen them. 

But they were false signs. Ever since that day I laugh when I hear the Cindy Lauper song, "Girls just want to have fun."  Yeah, right. That is why all those females acted like I was asking for a deep commitment, or maybe thought I was the Boston Strangler. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if they hadn't been sending those false signs.

The fake sign that bothers me the most though, is the one where you think the woman is ready to do the horizontal dance. 

For example, your date suddenly starts to exude compassion. She rubs your arm, squeezes your hand gently kisses you on the cheek or runs her hand through your hair. Well, in my case it usually is rub my head. But you've seen those signs. So when you slowly begin to unbutton her blouse and she grabs your hand to stop you, you know that once again you were the victim of the female mixed message sign.

So we guys will undoubtedly keep trying to decipher the signals we're getting. After all, our brains are constantly thinking of sex (not every seven seconds, but a lot) so we have to keep trying. But understand that if we sometimes act crazy, it's largely because we've been driven there by females planting those deceptive signs in the road to relationships.

Even I can get this sign

Yes, it's another Thurber Brigade rerun. I had different topic to write, but didn't have the motivation for the moment as I'm still reeling from the disasterous change in the White House (I'll blog about it later I'm sure). This 2013 blog seemed relevant to me though because recently, yet again, I attempted to chat up a woman, but clearly misread the sign. She had flashed at me several of the signs I mention above, but when I took the step to talk to her, she acted like I had broken into her house, ate her pet goldfish, drank all her beer and trashed her living room while watching porn on the TV. Okay, she just turned a cold shoulder but it seemed like that. So I decided to resurrect this blog about women, who won't make first contact themselves, but who don't always let us guys know if they are interested. Next time I promise to write something more original. Maybe. 

 

 

Rejection

In the bottom drawer of one of my file cabinets sit hundreds of rejection letters.  These are from publishers, editors, agents, etc. for countless submissions of books, articles and stories.  Some of the letters are nice; some include reasons why; some, probably the majority, are soulless standardized form letters. All have the same impact: momentary depression, then resolve to try again.

Did I mention I was stubborn?

Of course, like most guys I’ve had twice that amount (or more) of rejections from women.  It ranges from the rejection by the girl of my dreams when I was 10 to my request to sit by her in the school lunchroom, to that night at The Continental Club when 10 different women turned down my request to dance (several were even dancing in place as if they were keen to hit the dance floor).

Oh, and let me bring up here how men are required to make First Contact—as I’ve blogged before. So although the rejection still stings, we guys get used to the soul wrenching experience. No, we're not immune to the pain of the psychological slap to the face, but we drive on regardless.

I bring rejection up because it is tied to the notorious “#metoo” phenomenon.  It's closely related to my blog about cat calling.  Some men are good at approaching females, some not so much.  Some smooth, some irresponsibly boorish.  Some can knock off a woman's socks with a line, some get their blocks knocked off for saying something crass.

So a natural outgrowth of this is that some men who know they are required to make the first move, take it too far.  Those who have a little prestige or power, may even begin to use that status to push the envelope.  Some of these even enter the realm of going waaaay too far (sexual assault).

Now understand that I’m not implying that because men must make First Contact it's okay to be a little aggressive as long as you don't go too far.  I am however implying that women have a hand in this.  No, not blame for it, but responsibility for initiating an almost Pavlovian-ingrained male trait.

Before all those angry feminists that harangue me start tweeting away, let me give an example of what I’m getting at here.  Let's say that I’m walking down the rough streets of some city openly counting a wad of money.  Within a block I get mugged.  Probably 9 out of 10 people will say “well, what did you expect?”  Oh, they may say the mugger is the guilty party, but they'll also strongly suggest that I precipitated the robbery.

So why can't women understand that they have a hand in creating the situation that precipitated the #metoo problem?  Just like I shouldn't be blamed for getting robbed, women shouldn't be blamed for some guy accosting them.  Just like I shouldn't be blamed for waving around a bunch of money, they shouldn’t be blamed for wearing provocative clothing or walking too close to a coworker. 

However, just like I must recognize that I may have set up the chance to be robbed, women should understand that by not taking a hand in starting a relationship they are guiding a male behavior pattern. 

Face it, men have always been aggressive when it comes to meeting females. It began when cave men would kill to claim a fertile woman to take back to the cave, transformed to a sailor home on leave from the war in the Pacific hitting on the girl serving sodas at the drug store and morphed into today's bar scene of some guy asking to dance.

 "Cathy" by  Cathy Guisewite

Along the way, humankind has changed and modernized, but for some reason, women taking a hand in First Contact never has. So they've championed for the right to vote and equal rights, but stayed mum on taking responsibility to get a relationship off the ground. 

So excuse me if I only give passing acknowledgment to those #metoo advocates.  No, guys shouldn't assault women or abuse them verbally, but until women make a change in behavior themselves, expect guys to make as many unwise approaches as smooth ones.  After all, I've learned to never take cash out of my wallet until absolutely needed.

Talk, Talk, part II

Last year one of my blogs dealt with whether men or women talked more than the other.  However, just as important is the nature of that talk. Conversations between men and women vary depending on the situation. If you really want to “see” the difference between these two life forms you should witness it first hand at bars. 

In fact, most of the time that I go to bars these days is to watch and listen to people. Oh, in the old days my main purpose was to continue the hunt for females, but as I've grown older I do this less often. Okay, consuming beer is another big reason I go, but I see that as a bonus.

I know you are thinking what a creepy guy I must be to eavesdrop on people. However, as a writer I believe I have an obligation to do this in order to ensure my dialog is up to date. I even wrote an article about how writers have an "eavesdropper license" to do this (“Writer’s Connections” 12/95).

One of the things I have always noticed, and experienced, is that early in the relationship when a man and woman go out, it's the man who must begin and make most of the conversation. It begins by him having to ask questions. Things like "what kind of music do you like," "what did you major in at school?" Small talk to get the conversation going.

The female will answer, sometimes in detail but only if the guy pushes her for more. If the male stops asking questions, there will be a long, painful, lull in talk until the male asks the next question. The funny part of this scenario, is that if there are a lot of long pauses, the male is accused of not being much of a talker. Trust me, it's a no win situation. So don't try to point out the female's lack of talk.

Later in the relationship it's completely reversed. I'm pretty sure this is caused by the feeling the woman has that now the relationship is solid, so she can talk more (it’s a commitment thing). Now the female talks constantly with the male only getting to make a brief observation every so often. Of course, this observation is usually considered wrong, but at least he got a word in to the mix.

In groups I've also noticed trends. For example, usually the conversations include topics that include the whole group at the beginning of the evening. Things like how the couples met, or what they like to do together. As the night, and drinks, continue, there starts to be a segregation.

The men begin to converse with each other. Typically about sports or work. The females begin to talk to each other about clothes or past bad dates. Occasionally, there will be some random crossover where they all talk together again, usually about a mutual friend, especially if that friend is in disfavor. But it will eventually evolve back to separate groups.

The most interesting conversations between males and females in bars concerns sex. The male is always in the hunt for sex but must be coy or it might frighten away the prey. Oops, slipped into the hunting rules again. Sorry. So the male might say something like, "your eyes penetrate my soul," or "I love the way the hot sweat rolls down your arm." The phrase doesn't really have to mean anything as much as it must include words that could illicit thoughts of sex. If the female doesn't resist the words, such as change the subject to shoes, etc. then the male will begin to make more obvious comments.  All of this conversation just to ease the situation into something more about sex.

Women typically don't use conversation to try to get the male to think about sex. Largely she will either leave it to the male to make the move or trust that the male's ESP abilities are working. In other words, it's not as imperative to the female as it is to the male. The most common occurrence in this battle of wills is that if nothing happens the female will just tell her friends the next day that she had been leaving all the signals, therefore the guy must have been gay.

So next time you're in a bar on your own, subtly listen to the couple the next table over to hear the latest sounds from The War Between Men and Women. Oh, and if you're a female and notice a single guy who might be trying to hear what you are saying to your girlfriend, well, buy me a pint. Next blog, we may discuss why this never happens unless the guy is a tycoon or rock star.

Conversation over

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Signs, Signs...Can't you read the signs?

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South by Southwest (SxSW) has got to be one of my favorite events here in Austin. Thousands of bands at dozens of venues along with 100,000 of your closest friends. What's not to like. So at the most recent version I was hanging out at B.D. Riley's  when a typical occurrence happened in the on going War Between Men and Women (ahem, note the name of this blog).

I was standing at the back of the open area in front of the stage, the usual location for me. It gives me a good view of the band and is usually not that crowded so I don't have to worry about a random elbow. 

The next thing I know a cute female strolls up and stands next to me. Mind you, there are better viewing spots available. So this seemed a little odd. Was she like me and just wanted to avoid the mad pushing near the stage? Or was she sending me a sign? I looked at her and she casually ran her hand through her hair.

Ah, surely this was a sign that she was interested. Of course, right as I was about to cast out a line, her boyfriend walked up with a drink. Typical.

You see, women are notorious for sending out false signs, and just as notorious for wondering why we guys never can get their signals.

A few years ago there was a report about how men are worse at recognizing signs then women. I think this is because we've been bombarded by so many fake ones, that we no longer can distinguish a valid one from a fake.

For example, in the scene mentioned above I told how the female ran her hand through her hair. 

According to some "experts" on visual cues, this is a sign that a female is attracted to you. But time after time we guys discover this is seldom the case. It's more likely a female purposely misleading a male, or else she's oblivious to the message she is sending.

Also, the sign of moving close to someone is way too confusing. Sure, it's a little obvious when the place is nearly empty, but it's much more bewildering when there's a crowd. I remember numerous times when a female would stand near me and even move with me when the crowd shifted. 

 But on almost every occasion, after throwing a line, she would move away hurriedly. Oh, it could have been a lousy line, but it happens too often to be anything more than women sending mixed messages.

In the past I was crazy about hitting the nightclubs to hit the floor (dance) with whatever female was in the same mood. However, I've all but given that up due to one night at the old Continental Club . Not the current hip one, the previous one when it was darker and cooler. Anyway, on that night I asked 10 different females to dance.

 Not a one would join me. Most gave the signal that they wanted to dance. You know, like tapping their toes to the tune, dancing in place just off the floor. You've seen them. 

But they were false signs. Ever since that day I laugh when I hear the Cindy Lauper song, "Girls just want to have fun."  Yeah, right. That is why all those females acted like I was asking for a deep commitment, or maybe thought I was the Boston Strangler. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if they hadn't been sending those false signs.

The fake sign that bothers me the most though, is the one where you think the woman is ready to do the horizontal dance. 

For example, your date suddenly starts to exude compassion. She rubs your arm, squeezes your hand gently kisses you on the cheek or runs her hand through your hair. Well, in my case it usually is rub my head. But you've seen those signs. So when you slowly begin to unbutton here blouse and she grabs your hand to stop you, you know that once again you were the victim of the female mixed message sign.

So we guys will undoubtedly keep trying to decipher the signals we're getting. After all, our brains are constantly thinking of sex (not every seven seconds, but a lot)so we have to keep trying. But understand that if we sometimes act crazy, it's largely because we've been driven there by females planting those deceptive signs in the road to relationships.

Even I can get this sign

(Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)