Women Love Macho

For some time I’ve wondered why women weren’t knocking down my door while seeking a mate.  I thought I had some qualities they sought. Things like a secure job, own my house, healthy and in shape, a good listener and sympathetic soul. However, I have now discovered that they’re not falling all over themselves to reach me because I have too many pictures of me with various cats. I’m not the macho man they really seek.

 

The Models

Researchers at Colorado State University compiled data on whether women liked a man pictured with a cat or the same person sans cat. They preferred the cat-less guy.

 More Neurotic Guy

"Men holding cats were viewed as less masculine; more neurotic, agreeable, and open; and less dateable," the authors wrote.

 Macho Man

A short time ago I blogged about macho men. Basically talking about how society tends to push us towards that image.  However, at the time it didn’t occur to me that women would be drooling more for macho men then those wimpy types who hold cats.

 Wimpy guy

For years, we’ve heard stories or read articles by women who claimed they wished men were more caring, willing to show emotion, or had a more compelling desire to talk about their feelings.

 Macho, Macho Man

Little did I know that they were kidding. Nope, women want the tough, macho guy.  Oh, you probably clicked on the link above and read how the data came from women who were 18 to 24 years old.  You may have said to yourself “well, those young women aren’t like us more mature, experienced ones.” However, stereotypes and beliefs are not independent. They are taught or ingrained—from our elders.  So this means that it’s not just young immature females seeking macho men, it’s all of them. They’ve passed that desire to the younger generations.

 Agreeable and open guy

A few years ago I blogged about how women were just as superficial as men. I stated they stereotyped men just as much as men did women. However, I missed this new, important point. Then I posited that men tend to stereotype women based on looks while women did it towards men based on status and wealth. Wellllll, I should have guessed that women stereotype on looks just as frequently as men.

 I wanna be a Macho Man

Let this be a lesson to all men. Oh, you should keep your cat, they are great creatures with distinct personalities and qualities, but be careful about having one around when there’s a camera. And if you make a mistake and a woman you are attracted to discovers a picture of you with a cat, act fast. Tell her that the cat was your sister’s or better yet, an ex-girlfriend who insisted you hold the fur ball. That may actually get you a few extra points in her eyes.

 Ahhhh, James Thurber

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize for once again making fun of the foibles of women. We thought that it would be good to get away from another sidestep about police brutality or the idiocy of the guy occupying the White House. We also thought it would make us feel better as it points out that women are just like men and have a variety of tics, faults, misgivings and other less than perfect qualities that make us all human.

The GOP Zombie Party

Movies and TV shows about zombies have been popular for some time now.  And why not? Who doesn’t love to see soulless, brainless creatures attempt to consume the brain or intestines of the living?  What car to buy next year, whether to mow the yard Sunday, what to cook for dinner tonight and other side issues don’t matter to zombies.  They are single-mindedly obsessed with just one purpose: consume the innards of the living.

As I examine today’s political climate, I notice a striking similarity to the Grand Old Party. The rank-and-file of the party are single-mindedly obsessed.  Their one overwhelming desire is to vote for the Republican candidate no matter what.  What that candidate stands for, his (the majority are white males) morality, his stance on issues all mean nothing to the GOP voter. What matters is the symbol “R” next to the name.

For example, most Republican officials want to dismantle Social Security.  They disparage the popular program constantly. They attempt to pass legislation that will curtail payments almost every session.   

They attempt to destroy it internally by trying to lessen the amount of money paid into the system by reducing taxes on corporations or the rich.  However, the rank-and-file of the party love Social Security and are working back-breaking jobs and long hours with the belief that when they hit the right age, they’ll be able to enjoy that added retirement income. 

Of course, they’ll also still vote for those same candidates that will do everything in their power to kill it. Because they have an “R” next to their name on the list of candidates.

The vast majority of Republican voters are working class people, who toil tirelessly day to day in difficult and exhausting jobs. From coal miners to farmers, they put in a tough, long day of work. However, even though their representatives want to raise the retirement age for those seeking Social Security, they’ll still vote for those candidates and gladly build up more calluses on their own hands because, hey, the candidate has an “R” next to his name.

Everybody loves Medicare. Although sometimes the system can be balky, they still love that most of their medical costs can be handled by this program when they reach that magical age. Often, it saves them from having to worry about Mom and Dad’s medical bills too. It means they don’t have to bail out their folks.

So it seems rather odd that the Republican rank-and-file voter will still vote for the Republican candidate.  The party consistently attempts to destroy Medicare. They try to pass legislation that will weaken the benefits or, change it completely from its current system to one of vouchers. Vouchers would mean that your 90-year-old folks would get a set amount of money to pay for their medical costs. In other words, they’d have to wrangle with insurance companies. So even though it would be tough for Grandpa to go toe-to-toe with that insurance agent, the rank-and-file GOP voter will still vote for the candidate that desires to see that outcome.

Just like zombies fixated on that nice brain over there, the average Republican will zero in on that candidate with the “R” beside the name. They stagger into the voting booth, arms outstretched seeking their prey, grunting and moaning scarily, drooling as they approach their target and then strike. Making a mark by any candidate with an “R” next to the name.

It doesn’t matter that their 12-year old daughter was raped by Uncle Ted and the candidate believes she must bring the baby to term.  They’ll vote for him.

It doesn’t matter that the city will have to lay off more policemen because the GOP implemented tax cuts for the rich and it took money away from cities. They will vote for the guy with an “R.”

It doesn’t matter that they feel sorry for that out-of-work veteran begging for money at the stop light.  Even though the GOP party voted in unison to defeat the veteran aid bill, the zombies will vote for them.

It doesn’t matter that women GOP voters believe women should be treated fairly and equally.  Even if the candidate votes against equal pay bills or anti-domestic violence legislation, the zombies will still vote for them.

So if you see a crowd of them chanting that they want to go out and get haircuts even though there’s a raging virus in the country, roll up your windows and drive by. Protect yourself from their infection. 

Don’t even try to explain to your Republican father that his party wants more tax cuts for corporations, which means he may lose his pension. He won’t listen, he’s a zombie. 

And your right-wing brother who avoided the draft so he didn’t have to go to Vietnam, but now supports any GOP candidate that proposes war?  Well, just turn up the TV and hope he’ll ignore you. He can’t help himself, he’s a Republican zombie.

 Ahhh, James Thurber

Exercise Now!

Hey there, Coach Jay checking in again to tell you to get up off your fat butt!  Oops, sorry, that wasn't polite. Okay, everybody needs to get up and exercise during this trying time.

Yes, we all need to practice social distancing and self-quarantining, but you can't let that keep you from maintaining your health. Just like you don't stop brushing your teeth just because you are on vacation, you don't stop staying healthy just because you can't go to the gym. It's easy to goof off nowadays, to just hunker down inside and watch the tube, but you need to self-motivate while you self-isolate and get some exercise. 

You may not be able to go out and play soccer

with your friends, but you can still go and run around the block (or farther). And as long as you don't run in a group, you can still stay isolated. When you see someone jogging the opposite direction and heading toward you, one of you should abandon the sidewalk and run along the side of the road. This way you can pass each other by a good distance. And it is important to have a good distance while running because your breath may travel farther because of increased breathing.

Got weak knees or are not up to jogging? Well, walking is just fine too. However, to get a good result from walking you need to have a brisk pace and not pause. That means don’t stop to pet your friend’s dog or to discuss (from a safe distance) the TV show you are currently binging on.

Should you wear a mask while walking or jogging? Most doctors I've heard talk about the issue say that being outside dissipates the germs that come from your mouth more quickly. So as long as you keep a good distance from fellow exercisers you probably don’t need a mask.

 

Coach Jay knows how to social distance

I like jogging or walking because you get outside, and I think in these self-sheltering times that's beneficial both physically and mentally. However, I'm seeing a large number of people posting videos of their indoor workouts. Whew, they look tough. Not sure I'm in that good of shape, but keep it up. Whatever way you are comfortable with you should keep going. Stay motivated.

Don't stop there though. Nowadays a lot of us are binging on TV shows and movies. Our derrière comfortably nestled in that old couch as we watch marathons of Battlestar Galactica (SyFy channel) or some other cherished show/movie. Well, keep it up but during commercials stand up while you channel surf. Better yet, use the commercial break to walk to the far end of the house or apartment and look out the window. Do it several times before the show begins again.

We'll get back to soccer soon

So don't let your rear end and gut enlarge during these stressful times. Stand up, move around and get that heart beating. Remember, stay home and stay safe, but exercise too. 

Ahhh, James Thurber

A Thurber Rerun: The Story of Easter

Around 300 CE the Cardinal ran up to the Pope while in the most agitated state.  The Pope held up his hand in a calming manner to placate the worried man.

“Calm thyself Cardinal.”

“We have a crisis your excellency!” the Cardinal exclaimed.

“What crisis?”

“The people are dancing around naked and drinking heavily all in the name of Eostre!”

“Well, we can’t have that.  I have a plan though.  Go gather the people around and I will make a declaration.”

So, the Cardinal rushed off and after getting the people clothed and somewhat sober, convinced them to go and hear what the Pope wanted to tell them. 

“People there is a new holiday you should celebrate.  It is one that commemorates the death and resurrection of Jesus.  This holiday will be heretofore known as Easter!” the Pope exclaimed.

The people mumbled amongst themselves and looked questioningly at the Pope.  “Easter?” That sounds suspiciously like our favorite time of the year when we celebrate Eostre,” one man said.

“Um, no, no, it’s not related to Eostre at all,” the Pope assured him.

  Monty Python would celebrate Eostre

“It seems strange to celebrate someone’s death,” another peasant said to the Pope.  “I mean, it sounds rather bloody from the description your priests have told us in the past.”

“Yeah, and that story they tell about Jesus sure sounds a lot like the story of Inanna and Horus,” anther person shouted.  “I mean, they were killed, went to the underworld and came back.”

“No, no, those stories are just myths. This story of Jesus is real. You can trust me,” the Pope said as convincingly as he could.

“We like Eostre though,” several others chimed in.  “We get to dance and drink, we paint eggs and carry around rabbits to celebrate the new spring and virility.”

“Well, you can still have eggs and rabbits,” the Pope said. 

“Can we dance and drink too?” a man at the back asked.

“Of course you can, although I think it best to keep your clothes on,” the Pope answered.

The people furrowed their brows and wrinkled their noses.  “We’re not sure about this holiday.”

“Oh, you’ll love it,” the Pope assured them. “You’ll have a great time.”

So the people decided to celebrate both holidays.  After all, the more holidays the better.  However, slowly but surely the Pope and his successors convinced them to just celebrate Easter. With time, he also got the people to calm down more and celebrate with less enthusiasm.

The church kept the eggs and rabbits, but got the people to dispense with the dancing and drinking. A small group of pagans didn’t like this turn of events and vowed to one day return the holiday to its more spirited nature. 

Slowly but surely the old Eostre followers have been stressing the eggs and rabbits.  So today you can actually find people telling stories of big rabbits hiding chocolate eggs. They sneakily got the church to offer sunrise services which celebrate an old solar celebration. Also, the pagans convinced the Pope to base the time of Easter on the phases of the moon.  They haven’t been able to bring back the wild dancing, but have had more luck with the drinking aspect with their Easter sales at liquor stores.

So whether you follow celebrations of Horus, Inanna, Eostre/Ostara or Easter we at The Thurber Brigade wish you a pleasant holiday.

 Ahhh, James Thurber

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize if this rerun sounds a little like our annual Christmas story.  We can't help that a certain religion co-opted several Pagan celebrations to try and win over the people. We also apologize to the serious religious types for making fun of the Pope, religion, myths, etc.  We don't regret it, nor doubt the above story has some basis in reality, but we apologize as we want you to continue to enjoy whatever holiday you celebrate. Cheers.  

The Coronavirus and God's Wrath

The All Father has decided to punish us all. Odin has sent to the world the Corona Virus to teach us a lesson for straying from his teachings.

You can tell it's from Odin as the main group of people who have died are the elderly—who should have earned their place in Valhalla already by dying in battle.

The best way to placate him is to return to the old ways but with some modern accommodations.

For example, because we must earn our place in Valhalla by dying in combat, we need to get rid of all guns and replace them with battle axes or swords.

We must also get away from the mamby-pamby christian habit of being kind to others or the so called “Golden Rule” and instead handle all disputes with single combat. Neighbor ran over your prized begonias with his bike? Chop him to pieces in an ax fight.

By building your strength through combat, you will be a strong, healthy warrior who can withstand a weak virus.

We also need to have a sacrifice now and then to appease Odin and the other gods. My suggestion would be to start with the evangelical ministers who preach about a man who decried wealth and the rich and yet they have accumulated vast amounts of lucre and property. There are enough around to last for years of sacrificing.

Another good area to change might be sports. Instead of the mildness of padded contact in football, we could have armed team combat in the sports stadiums. The victors would be rewarded with adulation and praise, and of course the losers would earn a spot in Valhalla.

Likewise, we should have periodic combat between competitive cities. For example, we’d have the annual battle between Dallas and the weak snobs of New York city. We Texans would show those heretics who the All Father favors! 

So to please Odin and get back to the straight and narrow so that he spares us from this COVID-19 test, we must adhere back to our old ways. I hear the Valkyries calling! Valhalla awaits!

We at The Thurber Brigade apologize if you have read this and believe we make light of a very serious crisis. In fact, we believe that the government should take it more seriously and quit alluding to a “hoax” or use derisive, racist terms to describe it. The Brigade presents this blog only to make fun of the evangelicals who sooner or later will trot out the old line that we’re being punished because of: homosexuals, abortion, pre-marital sex or some other goofy concept. We believe that any mythology, whether Norse, Middle Eastern (ie Christian), etc. has no place in a modern society to establish policy or law. Quit using primitive ideas to address modern problems and get out there and solve this pandemic now.