The Dick Pic Blog

Sometimes we encounter creatures, events, stories or people that just don't seem to make sense.  Things like the duck-billed platypus.  Women who can't comprehend four-way stops.  The popularity of the Kardashians. How a failed businessman and blatant racist got elected president. However, one of the biggest phenomena today has to be why do men send women “dick pics?”

I've postulated, and written (Ch. 8 of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE), that if a male wanted to do something visual to impress a female, a better picture to send might be of your wallet—assuming it's a fat one.  Or, as I’ve suggested to several guys I’ve run into in bars who were hitting on females, flash them your credit card.

The logic seems baffling to me.  Does the person really think that sending a picture of their sexual organ will somehow cause the female victim to swoon?  If that is the case, the person obviously has no clue about the opposite sex.

Besides that they are clueless, there are two other possible reasons on why some men goofily send a female a dick pic.

One is that they mistakenly believe that women are like men and are stimulated easily by visual cues.  Guys get stimulated by something as slight as a peek at a woman's navel (via bare midriff). Or, they might get hot if a woman wears a dress that exposes bare shoulders. Women don't respond to visual stimuli—like the human body—as men do.  This is why we see dozens of topless joints in towns, but only one male strip joint (which goes out of business within two months).  It's why there are a zillion men's porn mags/web sites, but a handful of female ones.

Oh sure, women put on a good act sometimes, such as at bachelorette parties, but the evidence is quite conclusive.  They're more stimulated by the dreamy/romantic mental image of a man than the actual sight of one.  You know, the old knight on a white horse swooping in to pick up the damsel in distress motif.  They don't want to see his body parts, they just want the fantasy. 

The second reason for men assaulting women with images of their “members” is something I’ve blogged about several times.  Some men are good at interactions with females while hunting, you know, casting pick-up lines, some are not so good.  In other words, the guys who have more success picking up women know better, the others, well, they're still in the Neanderthal stage.  The guys you see on the street who whistle or make rude remarks to passing females probably have an iPhone full of pictures of their “Johnson,” or “thrill drill” (among other funny names).

By no means do I believe that this is normal behavior.  However, as noted above, I do think it’s explainable.  Face it, men have been doing weird things due to females for centuries.  From starting a war over Helen of Troy, to buying an expensive car to impress an ex-girlfriend, we guys have an endless array of goofy behaviors.  This one just seems a little more off-kilter since it’s so, um, personal.

Oh, and just in case you wondered, no, I’ve never sent a dick pic.  However, I do distinctly remember sending a picture of someone (not me) giving the finger.  Yeah, it may have been to an ex-girlfriend.  Oops.

WARNING: The Thurber Brigade is about to publish one of the most vile, disgusting Dick Pics ever.  For the weak of heart and those who get offended easily, we suggest you look away now:

Dick Cheney

(How this Dick isn’t in prison for treason for outing a CIA agent or for war profiteering, we do not know.)

Lonely are the Brave

A number of blogs ago, I covered how women absolutely fear making "First Contact."  As much as they believe in equality, it sure doesn't extend to this social endeavor. What I didn't go into though is how they talk a good game, but have no ability to carry through.

Sort of like the short boy who talks trash on a basketball court but then gets slaughtered when he plays in an actual game. He typically doesn't recognize this disparity and if he's lucky enough to actually make a basket will launch once again into a barrage of self-marketing that doesn't correspond to his ability (trash talk, I just didn't want to repeat the phrase).

Oh, you've seen this before and for quite some time. A perfect example is that old Coke commercial where all the women in an office gather at a window each day to watch a construction worker who takes off his shirt to drink a Coca Cola. I should point out how I also blogged once about women's selective vision (Because most women are turned off by construction workers). Anyway, they are all excited about this "hot" guy, but make no attempt at contact. Think any of them will race to that construction site after work to talk to him? Of course not!

I'm a notorious eavesdropper. It's my habit to go to bars, have a drink or two and listen to the conversations around me. It's to help my writing. Really. Anyway, I have lost count of the times I've overheard a table full of women talk about this hot guy or that. However, not once have I ever overheard about how they went up and asked the guy out. I have heard countless times their sadness that he didn't contact them, usually followed with an assertion that the guy must be gay. Yeah, trash talk, no follow-through.

What really gets me though is how so many women talk about how they love sex. There supposedly are studies that show how women really do love sex as much as men, but I've always written them off as the respondents were likely old ladies in a knitting circle filling out a questionnaire.  "Do I like sex? Oh, my, yes, I love sex," they'll say to themselves while reading the test.  They'll then check off the appropriate boxes but never show signs of following through.

These women, supposedly so crazy about sex, are not driven to it the same way as males. Yeah, I've blogged about this too. They have a romantic ideal of love but it's nowhere as compelling as the testosterone-driven urges males experience for sex. So women will visualize making passionate love to that hot construction worker, but will never do anything overt to make it happen. Guys are so driven to sex that the less-evolved of us will resort to catcalls to try to get attention. Socially a no-no, but guys understand the reflex. We're constantly on the hunt.

This disparity is really obvious to us guys from hearing horror stories from our buddies who got married. Suddenly the vixen they knew while dating has turned into the knitting granny. She'll tell her friends how much she likes sex, but will only partake once a month after hubby has taken her to The Ritz (or some other special activity approved by the female).

I remember one conversation with a friend very clearly. He had wondered why I never got married. I admitted that I regretted not having a steady stream of sexual pleasure.  He looked at me scornfully, shook his head and said: "oh, Jay, you just don't understand marriage."

We also hear countless stories of our friends making overtures to their spouses and being rejected—except when the female wants to disrupt a guy's plans for later. Of course, what I'm talking about is how a guy tries to get some on Thursday, is rebuffed, and then on Sunday when he's getting ready to hunker in front of The Tube to watch the Raiders vs. Lions she suddenly gets amorous. That's right, some game comes on the male wants to watch and the female suddenly reverts to her single days. The mood seems to pass after the game though, and she invariably will tell her friends how much she likes sex, but her caveman male is just never interested.

We single guys have it tough too because obviously we have to do the hunting (make contact). The female, professing to like sex, makes it difficult for the male to hook up. My own classical example is one night going out to a local nightclub called "The Continental Club." A dark, loud and very cool bar/music venue back in the "old Austin" days (for those who remember, it had a pool table in front. Yeah, that long ago). Nowadays, it's still okay, but is more "hip" then cool.  Anyway, I asked 10 different women to dance. Not one accepted. Not even the one standing beside the dance floor tapping her foot. Not the one swaying by the bar. Perhaps they thought I might be a serial killer (come on, I was a cutie in the old days when I had hair), but really all I wanted to do was dance and maybe make an introduction. Sure, Cyndi Lauper, "girls just want to have fun." 

Hunting is tough for us single males.

I could bring up more tales, such as female erotica writers irritated by contact from males, or women supposedly on the prowl who go out in large, ominous packs, or (more common) women who lament lack of male companionship yet never venture out to where males congregate, but you get the point: if you talk trash, be able to back it up with performance. 

The notorious Thurber Brigade note: Yes, you guessed it.  The title of this blog is taken from a great 60s movie staring Kirk Douglas and Walter Matthau. LONELY ARE THE BRAVE concerns the difficulty of facing change. It's a sad movie, but give it a view some time.

First Contact

“…There is no starship mission more dangerous than that of First Contact. We never know what we will face when we open the door on a new world, how we will be greeted, what exactly the dangers will be.”  Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation (Season 4, episode 15, “First Contact.”)

Some angry feminists have the idea that every time a man approaches a woman he doesn't know and speaks to her, it's sexual harassment. She doesn't want to be bothered they say, or else state she has not done anything to warrant the intrusion. If the continuation of the species were left to women such as this, we'd be extinct in no time. Because it is up to man to make First Contact since females are too afraid to make any attempt.

 

Well, unless the guy is a rock star, pro athlete or movie star. Going up to a complete stranger is impossible for women. Too scary.

I should point out that I wouldn't be here if my father hadn't made First Contact with the beautiful young woman behind the counter of a small drug store. He had just rolled into a small Kansas town on a surveying project and was entranced. This is not a unique story, of course. A large portion of the US populace are happy couples because some guy walked up to a complete stranger and asked her out on a date.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, some men are subtle and clever, some are Neanderthals and resort to catcalls.  Also in the same vein, The Brigade discussed how men are required to throw out lines to meet women. Women will critique these lines, but would never attempt the endeavor themselves. It's too frightening for them; too much of a risk of getting rejected. 

 

So it's up to the male of the species to take the risk. To make First Contact. Oddly, women will often tell guys to "buck up" and take it (risk) like a man—even though they wouldn't dream of doing it themselves.

Interestingly, some women will make an attempt to meet a man they might know from work or some party where they might have had a brief chat (i.e. not a stranger), but never via a verbal message. Instead they attempt some elaborate scheme.

For example, I vaguely remember a woman writing about her scheme, either in a blog or newspaper personal essay, about trying to meet this handsome guy who had said "hi" to her in a park while jogging (wow, almost a stranger, except she had run past him many times before). Of course, in the story she never made mention of just going up to the guy and introducing herself.

The great plan failed, as might be expected, when instead of attracting her target some other "older" guy approached her instead. No it wasn't me, although I did take offense that she brought up his age and made it sound hideous. Come on, I'm not that old. Maybe. Anyway, she wasn't interested in this old guy and the end result is that she is not enjoying dating bliss with the handsome guy either.

In a lot of these schemes women dream up they usually believe they can offer signs to the man (yeah, I've blogged about these signs too) or else believe that men have ESP.

 

We don't.

 For example, one time while in a drug store a cute female seemed to follow me around. Even looking at athlete's foot spray when I stopped there. Not having ESP I wasn't sure if she was interested or was coincidentally looking for the same products that I was and her huge, mean boyfriend was waiting patiently for her around the next aisle (yeah, experienced that one). Needless to say, we never spoke.

A long time ago I remember a Cathy comic strip  in which Cathy and her friends were sitting around a table in a café. She brought up how it was the male who had to make First Contact, take all the risks, and that women would only come on board when they were absolutely sure they were safe. The other women just shrugged, said there was no reason to change now and nonchalantly went on to order their food.

In other words, even though women demand equality in everything, they don't mean it applies to social situations.  AND they admit/support the concept.

So perhaps by the time we achieve intergalactic space travel and trek to distant galaxies, women will have become equal to men—even in social settings. Until that faaarrrr off time, men will have to continue to wear the redshirts on those perilous away missions and initiate First Contact with the Femaliens they encounter.

(What? You were expecting another Thurber Sidestep? Sorry, but The Brigade believed it was time to quit getting angry at all the crap going on out there, from bad cops to loud-mouth, idiotic politicians, and get back to The War Between Men and Women. You're welcome.)

Ahhh, Thurber

You lookin' at me?

Recently, a number of females complained about guys making rude remarks to them when they walked by (ie catcalls)and about guys staring too long at them. It reminded me how once again women just don't understand the nature of male/female interaction. This isn't just a case of men being boorish. This is all about how men must initiate contact. Yes, it all boils down to the fact that men must make the first contact.

 Think about it. We've actually come a long way from ancient times. Back in those days a guy would see a female he thought attractive, kill the man with her and drag her back to his cave or hut. Over time as humans became more civilized, and made laws against murder, it became more regimented. From arranged marriages to mail order brides. In modern times it has come down to men having to somehow convince the female to go back to his cave/hut by use of language and guile.

Oh, sure, those guys making garish catcalls are pretty lame (to put it mildly). However it really is just a case where they are not very subtle. Most men, although they may be thinking along the same lines (oh, what a babe) have become more refined over the years and if really interested will throw a line that might be more acceptable (need some help with those bags, ma'am?). So in other words, some men are crude, some are more, well, subtle.

 I have always thought that guys who resort to using rude remarks or catcalls are just very desperate and their sex drive has overridden their common sense. They are so in need of female contact that they almost revert to their ancient selves but instead of dragging the female off, try to lure her to their arms by playing to their vanity: "oh, babe, you're hot." No, it’s not smart, but their brains have been taken over by the overwhelming desire for sex.

In other words, yes I think the Masters & Johnson nonsense about how women have just as much drive for sex as men is goofy. That may be another blog down the trail, but just think about this: why are there millions of topless bars, porn mags, etc aimed at men, but just a handful for women?

So the male is thinking about sex all the time. Sometimes it gets so bad that the male can't help himself and just blurts out whatever is on his mind as a cute female walks by.

Staring at women is the same thing. We know that women won't make the first move; we know that they think we have ESP and can read their minds when they are interested; we know that instead of just talking to us, they'll try to drop some unfathomable hints. So the male is left to trying to express his interest. If he doesn't think that saying something will get her interested or let her know he's interested, he will instead resort to staring just a little too long.

The female though, unless the guy is a rock or movie star, will just think the guy is a creep and hurry on.  And who wouldn’t? It’s a testosterone thing for us men. Women may feel it’s creepy, but if a guy stares at another guy too long it’s a prelude to a fight.

“You lookin’ at me?"

(I've been waiting to get DE Niro in this blog for some time)

  

So the staring is one more example of the male’s brain being overwhelmed by the desire for sex and resorting to it’s prehistoric antics. No, not smart but some men just can't override the impulses their brain keeps sending their way.

Oddly, this sort of behavior received an almost idolized and accepted reverence back in the 1930’s and 40s. Just rewatch some of the old movies and musicals of the time where you’d hear lyrics like “There is nothing like a dame,” or whole scenes of sailors staring and catcalling relentlessly on the streets of NYC. Just like today, in those the more civil guys (usually businessmen in suits and hats) would scowl at the behavior, but held the same thoughts as they rushed off to work.

 So yes, this overt male reaction to females is rude, garish, disgusting and less than civil, but it’s just more of a case of testosterone and sex drive taking over the male. In many ways, it’s similar to an earlier blog about men who get rowdy and women looking down on the behavior. Once again, its women who get to decide what is civil behavior even though it’s ingrained in the male psyche.

So the likelihood of this behavior disappearing any time soon is pretty remote. The best response for a female to this behavior is to tell the guy that certain orangutans are more sexy than the offending dude, and walk on. In the future, maybe centuries from now after women have become braver and more willing to take the first move we’ll see roles reverse. Or is that just science fiction/wishful thinking?

Future times?

(some images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)