Relationship C.V.

People ask me all the time, why do I write a blog largely dealing with relationships. Or more to the point, they say: “what makes you an expert on relationships?”

Of course, I often just reply that they could ask the same of any advice columnist (this is NOT an advice column, btw) or female writer who does the same. However, I prefer to mention that my resume is pretty extensive.

Yes, I’ve had a ton of relationships.

Some were great, some not so great, some were lousy, some were really, really lousy. So for all of those out there saying the same thing as they read yet another communiqué from the front of The War Between Men and Women, let me tell you about some of those lousy ones.

Oh, I could tell you about the good ones, but no one wants to read about those. I remember as a child taking a vacation with the parents and stopping at some roadside attraction to watch a man wrestle a crocodile. What he said before he began has stuck with me over the years. In his Aussie accent he said:

“I know you’re coming here to see this croc bite me leg off. I mean, even I go to the circus not to watch the high wire act succeed, but to watch them tumble. Let me assure you though mates, that today, this croc ain’t going to bite me at all.”

In other words, we don’t want to see cars traveling along a highway. We want to see a horrific car crash with 50+ vehicles stacked upon each other.

One relationship I really remember happened when my girlfriend and I were moving beyond second base. Or at least, I was trying to move beyond. As we lay on the bed, both of us with our tops off and running our hands over each others exposed skin, I made a slight detour south. As my fingers gently strolled below the waistband of her panties, she grabbed my hand and stared into my eyes intently:

“No, I’m a virgin and a Christian.”

I knew she wasn’t the former, and didn’t think the latter really mattered as if you read the Bible carefully, you’ll note there’s a lot of sex in there. But she could not be persuaded otherwise and saying “Me too” didn’t seem to change things at all.  Yes, that relationship went downhill from there.

On another occasion, with a different girlfriend, we walked up to the door of her place and stopped. It had been a fairly pleasant evening. We had gone to Esther’s Follies, a hilarious improv establishment here in Austin. While there, we did run into a mutual male friend, and it did bother me a little that she seemed willing to have a long conversation with him. He even seemed puzzled by this, but I didn’t say anything as it was early in the relationship and I didn’t want to ruin my chances. So after this fun night together, standing at her door, I slowly leaned forward to kiss her goodnight.

She suddenly vaulted back against the door, eyes wildly staring at me and her hand extended into my chest. It had been as if she thought I was the Boston Strangler about to slaughter another victim.

“What are you doing!” She demanded.

“Uh, um” I cleverly replied.

Okay, I was pretty young then and not such a smooth talker (still not the latter).

I finally got some composure and mentioned that I was just trying to kiss her goodnight.

“What do you think this is?” she asked, still in shock, still ready to spring forward and attack this wanton villain who had cornered her.

“Um, uh, a date?” Yeah, smooth.

She apparently didn’t think that was the case and promptly retreated into her abode. I believe that was our last “date.”

Speaking of speaking, I remember the time out with another Ex and she inquired why I didn’t talk much.

“I’m a writer, not a talker,” I replied.

This was years after the previous encounter and I had become better at responding to women, but apparently not that much better. Truthfully, I can’t say that she was that talkative either, but this is a typical complaint we guys get from women all the time. For the most part, until the relationship is truly on solid ground, it is up to the male to keep things going. Even conversation. So it usually entails us asking questions of the female, and the female responding. After the relationship is to their liking, they tend to take over the conversation and we’re not required to respond as much. This relationship hadn’t gotten to that point. She did hang around another month or so, but as you guessed, this didn’t go much further.

The final encounter I want to mention deals with something that happens to all men. No, it doesn’t concern use of the little blue pill. It is about how men are more prone to action, while women seem to be more excited about words. That’s right, I’m talking about show versus tell.  Men believe that you can show your emotions and feelings by the way we act. Women think that you need to express those emotions or feelings.

In this one relationship, we had this discussion many times. I always liked to point out that Ronald Reagan (yes, I love making political points) would often say one thing, but actually do something else. You know, something like, oh, he hated terrorists, but then would arm right-wing Nicaraguan militias.  Or that trickle-down economics would help the poor. Well, you get my drift.

Anyway, one night after a pretty nice love-making session, my girlfriend turned to me and made the “I love you” announcement. I smiled and hugged her tightly and kissed her passionately. Yes, she had said the words and I showed the proof.

As you can guess, that wasn’t enough. That relationship lasted a few more months but soon we went our separate ways.

I’ve had relationships that lasted years, months, and some that lasted mere days.  Yes, I've seen it all. I won't say I'm not discriminating, but I have been with all size, shape, temperament, attitude and belief of female. So when someone asks me why I think I can write about men and women, besides the line I used at the beginning, I can always point out that I’m a seasoned pro.  I’ve been in the trenches in this game for a long time.

No, I may not be the best person to talk about relationships, but then also, who would have thought a two-bit B-movie actor would win two terms in office as President?   So guess I’ll just keep writing about the differences and similarities of the two species, er, genders dominating this planet.

The Never Ending Relationship Quest

(images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

The Ferguson Incident: The Thurber Brigade goes wildly off topic

The last blog at The Thurber Brigade was a sidestep about writing. However, what transpired in Ferguson, MO on August 9th really agitated me due to the police behavior. So this blog goes completely off topic and dips into an even more volatile world then relationships.

 As a writer it’s my passion to tell stories (https://sites.google.com/site/jaywinaustin/home) and when watching a TV show or movie mystery, I try to guess the outcome or perpetrator.  So here's a dramatization of what I have theorized happened in Ferguson.

The Players:

Policeman—Darren Wilson

Victim—Michael Brown

On a warm Missouri night Michael Brown and a friend are walking down a street instead of using the sidewalk. This might be a new youthful trend as while vacationing in Jackson,Wyoming last year, I noticed a lot of young people doing this. At that time I decided it was a fad, but didn't see any police stop them either.

Police officer Darren Wilson didn't see this action as a harmless fad though. He passed by the two kids and pulled his cruiser over and jumped out to confront the wayward pedestrians.

"Hey, you boys* need to get off the street right now," Wilson yelled.

"Screw* you! We ain't doin' nothin' wrong," Brown answered.

Officer Brown didn't like being talked back to, especially by a punk kid. His macho police instincts slowly began to kick into gear. He stepped up to the large teenager and grabbed the kid's arm.

"Ya'll* come over here!" He said and began pulling Brown back toward his patrol car.

"Leave me alone you turd*!" Brown shouted at the officer.

This inflamed the policeman even more, as he wasn't about to let this young "thug" sass him. He assured himself he wasn't being a racist, but his constant exposure to his fellow biased officers played into his thinking and he had come to believe that any black person who didn't do as told had to be a "thug."

This angry white policeman yelling at him and yanking him toward his car frightened Brown. After all, he had plenty of friends who had been taken into custody and came back home bruised and battered. So he pushed at Wilson's chest, causing the policeman to lose his grip and fall back onto the seat of his car. While falling back, his head hit the top of the doorframe and his arms the side of the door. This added pain enraged him even more.

Brown, seeing he now had a gap between himself and the officer, began to back away. Furious at being pushed, Wilson sprang back out of the car and simultaneously pulled his pistol from its holster.

"Stop right there you damn black person*!" Wilson screamed.

Brown saw the gun and panicked. He began to run away. Wilson fired a shot that nicked Brown. This so shocked the young man he fell to the ground. He suddenly realized he couldn't get away, so turned while on his knees to face the officer. He suddenly threw his hands up in surrender.

"Don't shoot mister*, I surrender!" He cried.

Wilson, seeing the sudden turning movement panicked. It was a thug after all and he could have just pulled a gun.  Wilson’s only thought was to protect himself.  He promptly fired the remaining rounds in his gun at the kneeling young man.

And so concludes our little tale. A young man walking harmlessly down a city street at night gunned down for the simple offense of putting up resistance and frightening a man who had a rigid stereotype of this type of person. Frightening the officer enough that any sudden movement could cause the officer to panic and respond the only way the police in the United States are trained to handle people who resist—with violence.

* Colorful metaphors have been replaced with less offensive words

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for once more veering off the road of the War Between Men and Women and assures everyone that it will return to the straight and narrow soon. Um, maybe. 

Ahhh, James Thurber

Write This Way: Another Thurber Brigade Sidestep

Jay's "neat" writing space

Since returning from vacation a short while ago, I have neglected The Thurber Brigade.  Therefore, not having a stinging blog about relationships and The War Between Men and Women I thought I’d take another writing sidestep and provide some insight into my writing.

First off, some people have suggested that I might be insane:

✍ My short stories are usually satire and humor

✍ My books are typically action/adventure or mystery

✍  My newspaper/magazine articles are usually serious subjects

 

✍ My blog focuses on male/female (mis)behavior

✍  My comments on Facebook mainly rant about politics

I think instead of insanity though, it’s just that I like to try different things. Speaking of different, here’s a few little tidbits about my writing.

Don’t try this at home

When I began doing research for my eBook TAX BREAK, one of my activities included a recon (military jargon for reconnaissance) of the Austin IRS building. Believe it or not, I actually drove around the whole place. No, not on the street nearby, right next to it. At that time, the parking lot was right next to the building and included the back. So I just drove through the parking lot near the building. If I remember correctly, I think there was a door at the back with some people hanging out and smoking. I always believed that I could easily have just parked and walked inside. I didn’t though, I just drove around.

Keep in mind this was back around 1991.  As a nation we were a little naïve back then and so what I did probably wasn’t that much out of the ordinary. Today just about all federal buildings are fortresses. Last time I drove by (not around) the IRS building they had erected a large, sturdy fence. I’m sure there are quite a few other security measures too. So don’t even think of trying anything like I did way back then.

As a side note, after the OK City bombing in 1995 whenever I submitted my book to a publisher, I’d include a little note stating that I didn’t model my book after those killers nor want to do anything to the government.

Voss up?

My other eBook, WINGS OF HONOR, has a serial killer who shoots down unarmed, small airplanes.  In one of my other sidesteps I talked about how the killer was based loosely on the killers in the slasher movies that were popular around that time.

I don’t give away many clues to the killer, but one interesting aspect of his personality is his affinity for all things German WWI.  After all, he flies a Fokker triplane, likes to sing in German (sort of. Yes, that’s a hint), but on a lighter note, he has a dog named Voss.  That’s Werner Voss.

Werner Voss was considered the second greatest German fighter pilot of the war. Maybe in homage to that pilot, the killer named his dog after him.  In the first reference to him I say he’s a “small, wiry collie.”  When I dreamed him up though, I really thought of a Sheltie, or Shetland Sheepdog, which in the old days they called a Shetland Collie. Although I pictured the killer having a smaller dog like a Sheltie, to me it didn’t seem right verbally to include that. “Collie” sounds more regal or tougher, so I would always try to mention that Voss was a small collie.  What? You didn’t think that writers worry about every little aspect of their books. Well, we do. Right down to the dogs they own.

What is honor?

Another insight about WINGS OF HONOR is that although no one really knows much about the killer, I actually visualized him as a nice guy. Hey, he had a Sheltie after all. Uh, I mean Collie. He also owns a small private farm, so probably has money (which doesn’t mean he’s nice, but helps paint a picture of him). He just has a very distorted idea about who should be allowed to take to the skies. So a nice guy with a killer instinct? Yeah, he might be a touch schizophrenic

Paul on the other hand is a jerk. At the beginning of the book I even tried to make it seem like he might be the killer, but later we understand it's not him. I made him a jerk to contrast him with the super nice guy Dallas.  So in a way Paul is a bit of an “anti-hero.”  With this contrast between Paul and Dallas I attempted to make a statement about honor. We Americans too easily think of a big tough guy who beats up and kills bad guys as a good guy. But is that really honorable?

SEX!

This has nothing to do with this blog nor my short stories.
I'm just trying to keep you interested.

Ha ha, I had to throw that in there to see if you were still reading. It’s also a good way for me to bring up my short stories. Several of them even mention sex quite often. However, none of them are really about sex. For example, “Raw Sex in theWild” is really about the environment and National Parks. I had read an article about how some republican (purposely not capitalized) wanted to have a state park named after a corporation. This really made me mad, but also made me think about what would happen if loonies like this actually had enough power to do something like that and ruined our parks? 

Likewise, "Cars, Sex and American Fulfillment" has nothing to do with sex but instead makes fun of America's infatuation with cars, especially humongous gas guzzlers. The cover of the magazine it appeared in was just as hilarious as my story:

I’m still attempting to get someone to publish my collection of short stories, but until that happens you can read a few of my selections at Jay’s Place.

 A Policing Action

When I wrote "Dead Men Tell No Tales" I originally planned on it being a book. I would have a section on police killing civilians, one on random violent acts by them (you know, like bludgeoning Rodney King) and a section on corruption and other evil acts. After little success finding a publisher and getting a little depressed about the subject (there were thousands of cases), I just turned it into the current article and got someone to publish it.

Some people believe I hate cops, but that isn't really the case. What bothers me is that police are always given the benefit of the doubt. If a case boils down to a cop's word versus a defendant, the cop always wins. This is because most people, well white people, believe it' the exception when the cop does something wrong. I wanted too point out this isn't the case at all. In fact, I think there's an overwhelming amount of police malfeasance and it is either ignored, unreported or justified because the person doing it is a cop. The latter is where the person thinking about this situation will tell himself that "well, it was a cop, he was just doing his job and had to do it for some reason."

With all the new reports, I'm tempted to try a book again, but I would have to figure out a way to avoid the depression from reading all the cases.

 What's up with that blog?

 I had to include one picture of this blog's namesake

 Lastly, let me give you a little insight about this blog. When I started it, I thought it would be merely about the ins and outs of relationships. If you read the first couple of blogs you'll see this. However, as I did research for the blog I kept running into women's blogs where they pretty much put men on the same level as sea slugs. So I slowly began to make this a sort of counter-point. For example, in the recent controversial blog about women drivers (I had women "unfriend" me and the HR guy at work threaten my job) it came about because I kept running into female blogs about mens' driving (he's a monster, etc.). Or the blog on how men are always told to grow up because women get to decide what is adult behavior was spawned by countless women's blogs about how apish men act.

I also want to point out something else about the blog. I remember years ago a fun TV show called "My World and Welcome To It." It was loosely based on James Thurber and starred William Windom. In one episode he was getting raked over the coals because he was always writing about some odd behaviors of women he didn't like when his daughter came up to him and said "Dad, you don't hate women, you hate everyone." Or something like that. He was a little nonplussed about this, but he did have a habit of yelling at the neighbor kids, arguing with his boss, etc.

So I just want to say that I don't hate women. In fact, I believe women might be better than men. They can withstand more pain, they seldom start any wars, won't break your nose if you look at them wrong and are less emotional then us guys. That doesn't mean I'm not going to talk smack about them. I could write just as much about men, but hey, we need to have some balance around here, plus I am a guy after all and so have to stand up for the team.

Therefore you'll probably continue to see goofy blogs here about the differences between men and women. However, instead of calling my boss, why don't you just write an angry comment below. That's right, there is a section for comments and so far in two years there have been only three. So come on, grow a pair (darn, I should have used that in my last blog) and type your anger to the world. If there' something I like better then writing contrarian, controversial blogs, it's getting into lively, spirited exchanges. Give it a shot.

Oh and one final thing about my writing: buy my books! They're great.

Put Down, But Not Out

We all know that it's up to the male to continue the species, as women never want to make the first move. Well, unless the guy is rich or a rock star (okay, I do know of a few occasions when a woman asked a guy out—but she knew him from work. A female would never go up to a stranger like men would). However, it is always challenging for the male because all sorts of roadblocks are put in their way.

These range from young boys trying to navigate past protective fathers to men trying to find Miss Right in a singles bar where the usual male/female ratio is 10-1. One of the most nefarious roadblocks though is when we encounter or hear about put-downs flung at us by females.

Most men have encountered these for so long we just drive on like it's a speed bump, but for the less experienced, these can seem like major walls to the psyche.  Below are a few examples of put-downs that women toss out like so many hand grenades.

"Man up." Used when a male does something that might be considered feminine, such as crying or complaining about something a female thinks the male should not complain about. Always confusing for the male because the female is always asking him to be more expressive, or constantly chiding him for his lack of emotions.

“Oh, just put on a dress.”  Similar to Man Up, but used as a very pointed commentary about a male not acting male enough. Oddity because women hate it when men say things like "you throw like a girl" etc.

“He's gay.” Used often when a male doesn't show interest in a female. Mostly used by a female to other females, but invariably it comes back to haunt the male through back room whispers and pass along emails. This is one of the reasons straight males resist wearing pastels. Of course let me drop a line from Seinfeld: "not that's there anything wrong with that." However, this is a blog about the differences between men and women and for some reason, women believe this is a coherent put-down.

“I can't believe you are not married.” A satirical jab after a male says something a female doesn't like. Oddly meant as a put down, although the female may not be married herself. Has completely different meaning if said by your aunt. The only appropriate way for a male to respond is straight forward, then roll the eyes when told she was being sarcastic.

“Grow up.” Often used when a male does some physical act the female finds offensive, such as shoving a friend, farting to make a statement. In a way this is a odd put down as most of the time females will say they are attracted to a male's youthful attitude or exuberance.

“My ex-boyfriend did it like this/different...” Often used to belittle a male when he does something the female doesn't like.  She can't just come out and say she doesn't like the behavior because it probably isn't something society would dislike, it's just not to her liking.

“I can't believe you own that.” Usually more specific, like, a car, stereo. Usually in relation to the male saving money by buying something the female believes is cheap, used, old, worn, etc. For example, I remember my brother telling me about a women he dated—from his church no less—who said she was shocked he drove a 10-year old car (he was a young attorney). He wisely didn't want to be in debt, but she was only interested in image. Very Christian-like.

“Are you going to wear/do that again?” Although it might seem like these are two distinct statements, they are actually the same in their scope and use. It's a put-down of something the male believes is acceptable, but the female finds distasteful. For example, if the guy is planning to wear his favorite Hawaiian shirt to a party or if he says he's going to shoot some hoops with his rowdy (and typically single) best friend. Two distinct acts but the female will respond in the same manner.

There are more and maybe we'll include them in the future, but as you see, there are quite a few bricks thrown in the male's windshield as he navigates the relationship highway. Women typically just say the guy needs to "man up" as these are just little harmless comments. However, since they are so fearful of rejection or get tearful at the slightest snide remark by the male it's surprising they don't see the irony.

The best thing for the male to do is just keep driving down that road and put these slights in the rear view. After all, the only alternative is to drive into the ditch and just give up. Or get a beer.

(Get a beer with a female, that is)

(images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Games without frontiers, war without tears

Before I go any further, let me say this: I apologize.

I have been blogging for about two years now about The War Between Men and Women, well, the differences between them, and relationships, but it wasn't until I blogged about women drivers that I created a firestorm.

Apparently I offended some women so much that they went through my entire blog list with a fine-toothed comb and discovered I am a Misogynist. It's quite a buzz in some circles (although oddly, no comments were written about the blog, even though all of my blogs 
 have a comment spot) and I wouldn't be surprised if my photo is on several females’ dartboards. 

That's right, this blatant liberal (according to my neocon brother) who often posts pro women rights messages on his Facebook page and has attended countless pro choice rallies, is now best buddies with he likes of Rush Limbaugh. Darn.

So I'm sorry I offended someone. Even though this blog is listed as humor on most blog sites, apparently by saying I don't think women are very good drivers it has cast me as a card-carrying women-hater.

So let's talk about that.

People have always said that in this new digital age sarcasm doesn't come through in emails, and so emoticons were invented to help people understand when you were being less than real ;-)

Writers for all time have had to deal with this and pretty much have just had to let the chips lie after publishing their work. This is why we've had many book burnings through history (luckily no writer burnings). This is also why a lot of writers often died penniless and ostracized.

I think most writers have just accepted this because we tend to internalize a lot and stick to our morals.

But putting me in the same camp as someone who uses the term "feminazi" or says stupid things like "women can't get pregnant through rape" is, well, irritating.

Of course, there are quite a few other male writers with me. Guys like James Thurber, Jonathan Swift, Dave Berry, et al have all written now and then something that doesn't put females in a good light and so must obviously be women-haters.

I know this might put me further in that camp by saying this, but don't you think it's a little unfair that when women say something about a male it's labeled biting social commentary, but when a male says something along those lines about women they are misogynists?

In other words, when Barbara Jordan says men don't have the capacity for understanding or compassion  it was just an astute commentary on gender issues. However, when I say women freak out at a four-way stop, well, I'm one step away from being a wife-beater.

Finally, I need to point out that just about all of my blogs were inspired by females. That's right, I wrote these after hearing or reading some comment from a woman about a man or about relationships. A sort of point-counterpoint thing.

For example, when I wrote about dating tips (I cleverly labeled them as hunting tips) it was after I overheard a woman complain about older men dating younger women. However, this woman wouldn't take any effort on her own part to look (hunt) for a man. It was up to the male to make contact, set up the first date, etc. Ergo, I stressed how it's the guy looking for a date who decides who he will go out with.

The blog about how women are just as superficial as men? That's right, I overheard a woman complaining about how men don't give heavy women a second glance. However, most women seem to have no problem going out with an ugly guy as long as he has the bucks, and yet constantly make snide remarks about a man's looks--when he's driving an old car or wears cheap clothes.

And as for that driving blog? Sheesh, every woman seems to write/blog about men drivers at one time or another. I guess we guys should start using the term "Misandrist" now and then. Hmm, wonder why we don't see that more?

So I'm sorry if I made you mad because I said women were less than great at driving. I hope my blogs will inspire people to laugh, think a little and maybe even comment once in a while (really, there's a space below to leave comments. Go for it.)  I really don't want to make you mad.

 

HOWEVER...I am going to keep writing about men, women, sex, relationships, dating... Well, just about anything. 

Postscript:

 "Games without frontiers, war without tears" is a line from Peter Gabriel's song "Games without frontiers." It's basically about how childish some adults can be. Seemed appropriate when we're talking about relationships. Plus, I think Peter Gabriel is an inspirational singer and artist and had to work him into the conversation somehow.

(images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

It had to happen. If you blog about men and women you invariably are going to talk about driving. We so often hear about how women hate riding with men, and men have been mumbling under their breath for years about women drivers (they don't dare say it aloud if they want to maintain sexual relations). So since I don't want to avoid it any longer let me broach the subject.

For centuries women have complained that men will never ask directions. 

 This was probably even true back in the Wild West:

"Homer, why don't you pull this wagon train over and ask that man with the painted face which way to go to find Oregon?"

"Now Mable, I know exactly where we're headed. We just head to the left of that cactus and straight on for two days and we'll be sipping cool water from the Columbia."

This is of course how white men discovered Utah.

Men have just the opposite feeling about women driving. Women are hopelessly indecisive. We guys know that if we come to a four-way stop and our opponent to the right is female, that no matter if she has the right of way, we will go first. This is because if we pause she will just sit there, frozen with fear that it might not be her turn and not sure what to do next. I remember one time walking to a corner and I observed one female wait for three drivers to go before she finally took her turn. And she had arrived at the intersection first!

 This indecisiveness is also played out in their decisions about speed. While men are prone to push a speed limit, usually driving five miles over it, women will do the opposite and go five miles under it--at a minimum. This is because they are so sure that if they do drive the speed limit, no matter how slow, if they go too fast they will surely miss their turn.

Now, I admit I have run into one or two women who like to go fast. However, they can't completely overcome their female habits and in situations they are not comfortable with, will invariably slow down. For example, say they are in the middle of three lanes and encounter two semi's in the other two lanes going the same speed. A male would liken this to football and see himself as a running back finding a big hole. He'd push the peddle to the metal and blitz between the two behemoths.

A female on the other hand is likely to either slow down and get behind one of them, or grip the wheel tightly and gently ease between the two trucks. She'd eventually emerge on the other side within five minutes and if there's been no other obstacle, resume her faster speed.

However, what really drives me crazy with indecisive women drivers is at traffic lights. The worst case is the Latent Signaler.  This is the woman who won't turn on her turn signal until she is actually making the turn. 

For example, say you are approaching a red light on a four-lane street. A car is stopped in the left lane, but not signaling. You plan to go straight and thinking the driver ahead is doing the same, will ease in behind. Suddenly you realize the error as you notice it's a female, but now it's too late to get in the right lane because it's packed.

The light changes and she immediately turns on her turn signal just as she starts her turn. She won't turn until it's absolutely clear, so even the only opponent is a guy waiting to turn opposite her (in other words, safe for her to turn) she will wait until he turns and then make her turn. You will invariably miss the light and have to waist through the next cycle.

The Creeper really drives me bonkers. This one always befuddles me, as I can't understand the logic behind the action. Basically what happens is the female comes to a stop at a red light well behind the driver ahead. 

She will then slowly creep forward. So if you are stuck behind her your choices are to put your car in gear and creep ahead too (invoking the wrath of the drivers behind you) or stay put which will create a gigantic gap and either inspire a person in the next lane to pull into it, or also engendering the wrath of those behind for not keeping a proper space. My guess on why women do this is again their indecisiveness. They are afraid of getting to close as they might be about to miss a turn they didn't realize, or maybe they are afraid they will offend the driver ahead if the get too close. No matter, it drives us guys crazy as we slowly inch forward at a red. Just pull up and stop!

This only begins to touch the surface of the driving techniques of females vs. those of men, so it may require a part two if I decide the Brigade needs to veer this way again. This is after all, one of the major battlefields in The War BetweenMen and Women.

She can drive my car.

(come on, you knew I was going to use at least one picture of a scantily-clad female)

I'm Impressed!

Face it, we men always stare at the female who walks into the bar with the painted on latex pants and sheer blouse. It's ingrained in our nature, harkening back to our caveman days when we fought for that cave woman who looked like she could bear us the most sons. Oh females will say it's due to our superficial nature, but as I noted in a previous blog, females are just as guilty of being superficial.

No it's really because we're sex-crazed animals and an attractive female brings it out in us. How she dresses really doesn't matter. Why, I remember Helen Hunt in Twister turning guys heads in just blue jeans and a tight white T-shirt.

However, how a woman dresses does matter to females. That's right, women don't dress to impress men, they dress to impress other women. In fact, I'd venture to say that every time a female decides to go out in public, she may SAY she's dressing to get that guy, but she is really trying to say to other women, "hey, look at me, I'm dressed to kill and all the guys can't keep away. They not only want to impress the other females in the place, they want to outshine them.

For example, if a female walks into a bar wearing tight jeans and just a sports bra, all the guys would be fighting to be the one to buy her a drink. On the other hand, all the females would be thinking (or saying out loud if with a group of females) "what a slob!"

If on the other hand a female walked into a bar in spandex pants and an expensive (but revealing) blouse, the guys would be fighting to be the one to buy her a drink, while the females would all be thinking "what a tramp," or "what a slut," or "what a show off." In other words, the females would be on the defensive and say things out of jealousy. Oh, they aren't jealous of all the attention she was getting from men. They would be jealous of her look.

You can see this in the difference between men and women's magazines too. In men's mags there will be lots of pictures of scantily clad females and few pictures of men. In women's mags there will be lots of pictures of beautifully dressed women—and a few pictures of men.

You'll also see this behavior at the gym. Men are trying to impress females, while women are also trying to impress females. You'll see men pumping iron in any gym, but notice how much more intense the lifting becomes once a cute female enters.

However, if a female is lifting in the gym and a guy walks in, she doesn't have any change in behavior. If a female walks in though, the other females not only begin to work out harder to impress the new rival, they will also instantly begin to analyze what the new person is wearing and rate her on that—not on her workout.

Of course, this also plays out the same in the work place. The men in the office dress to impress the females. Likewise, the females dress to impress the other females. They'll wear the best clean clothes they have as long as there are other females in the office.  What the men think of their dressing habits doesn't concern them because they know that all they have to do to get a guy's attention is to swing by his desk and touch him on the shoulder.

To impress the other females though, they know they have to have better clothes. If they get to the office and think that they have lost the competition, they will even invent reasons why they are not dressed better. You know, something like, “oh,my boyfriend spilled coffee on the blouse I was going to wear” or some other explanation. Typically it involves a male causing the problem, which not only helps her explain why she lost the competition, but also gives her points for having a mate while the other may not.

So let’s face it, we guys are easy. A woman walks by wearing tattered jeans and cut-away T-shirt and we’ll go nuts because we think she’s almost naked.  A woman seeing the same scene would just think the other is a street person.

In a way, this competition is a win/win deal for us men. So women, keep trying to impress yourselves. 

 They are both impressive 

 (sports bra; other images curtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)