Peace Talks

The Thurber Brigade sent a reporter to the recent peace talks in Paris and filed this report:

Not since 1973 and the notorious Paris Peace Accords have two such bitter rivals met in this city to try to resolve their differences. However, after eons of conflict in the War Between Men and Women, both combatants agreed to begin negotiations to end the acrimonious combat.

The two sides are a diverse group. Bob Blevins is one of the male negotiators, while on the other side sits Shiela Blevins, his wife of 30 years.  Another female diplomat is Sandra Canton the famous Hollywood actress and sitting opposite of her is Howard Eisenthal the mega-blockbuster director.  Also from the arts field is Stan Boles the music producer, opposite of Elly Withers the pop singer/fem fatale. Completing the contingent is politician Richard Tork from Texas who sits opposite the international diplomat Fran Cleaver.

The discussion got off to a rocky start as the two sides could not decide on a table.  The women objected to the long rectangle suggested by the males as they contended it represented a phallic symbol, while the oval advocated by the females was likewise rejected for its female genital similarity. They eventually settled on a series of small desks that each could sit behind separately and set up opposite each other. 

“He constantly watches football games and drinks beer,” Shiela Blevins stated early in the talks.

“She's completely exaggerating,” Bob interjected.  “Plus, all day she watches nothing but soap operas while I slave away putting food on the table.”

The Hollywood pair also got in some early jabs:

“Eisnethal will no longer cast me in parts because he thinks I’m too old Ms. Canton exclaimed.

“Age is a factor for male actors as well as female,” the director countered.  “Audiences want younger actors for younger parts. I just  cast for what will sell tickets. Gender is not a factor.”

“I have the same problem with my music,” Withers chimed in. “This so called music producer won't work on my albums because I gained a little weight,” she said, nodding at Boles.

“Ha! What she doesn't say is that it was her thin body tucked into those revealing Daisy Dukes that sold the million albums.  If her voice had sold them, I’d work with her without hesitation. But now she wants to change the way consumers view her without any effort or change, such as losing the weight she gained due to her success.”


“Tork uses the guns on the military’s tanks as a symbol of his masculinity and to prove how macho he is when confronting problems,” Cleaver chimed in to the fray.


“Well, this so called diplomat believes that for every situation you should sit down with your opponent and talk about your feelings,” Tork fumed, nodding at Cleaver.

The arguing continued for days and just like the Vietnam talks, often would end with no peace treaty only to begin again weeks later.  After the most recent gathering, the two sides gave up again when neither could decide what was appropriate clothing to wear on a date as well as whether women should make an effort to make first contact or whether men should be more willing to discuss feelings.

As of this writing the war continues unabated and just as acrimonious as before.  Inside sources indicate the two sides may meet again in Geneva if they can decide on who should cater the gathering.

 Ahh, Thurber