The Dick Pic Blog

Sometimes we encounter creatures, events, stories or people that just don't seem to make sense.  Things like the duck-billed platypus.  Women who can't comprehend four-way stops.  The popularity of the Kardashians. How a failed businessman and blatant racist got elected president. However, one of the biggest phenomena today has to be why do men send women “dick pics?”

I've postulated, and written (Ch. 8 of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE), that if a male wanted to do something visual to impress a female, a better picture to send might be of your wallet—assuming it's a fat one.  Or, as I’ve suggested to several guys I’ve run into in bars who were hitting on females, flash them your credit card.

The logic seems baffling to me.  Does the person really think that sending a picture of their sexual organ will somehow cause the female victim to swoon?  If that is the case, the person obviously has no clue about the opposite sex.

Besides that they are clueless, there are two other possible reasons on why some men goofily send a female a dick pic.

One is that they mistakenly believe that women are like men and are stimulated easily by visual cues.  Guys get stimulated by something as slight as a peek at a woman's navel (via bare midriff). Or, they might get hot if a woman wears a dress that exposes bare shoulders. Women don't respond to visual stimuli—like the human body—as men do.  This is why we see dozens of topless joints in towns, but only one male strip joint (which goes out of business within two months).  It's why there are a zillion men's porn mags/web sites, but a handful of female ones.

Oh sure, women put on a good act sometimes, such as at bachelorette parties, but the evidence is quite conclusive.  They're more stimulated by the dreamy/romantic mental image of a man than the actual sight of one.  You know, the old knight on a white horse swooping in to pick up the damsel in distress motif.  They don't want to see his body parts, they just want the fantasy. 

The second reason for men assaulting women with images of their “members” is something I’ve blogged about several times.  Some men are good at interactions with females while hunting, you know, casting pick-up lines, some are not so good.  In other words, the guys who have more success picking up women know better, the others, well, they're still in the Neanderthal stage.  The guys you see on the street who whistle or make rude remarks to passing females probably have an iPhone full of pictures of their “Johnson,” or “thrill drill” (among other funny names).

By no means do I believe that this is normal behavior.  However, as noted above, I do think it’s explainable.  Face it, men have been doing weird things due to females for centuries.  From starting a war over Helen of Troy, to buying an expensive car to impress an ex-girlfriend, we guys have an endless array of goofy behaviors.  This one just seems a little more off-kilter since it’s so, um, personal.

Oh, and just in case you wondered, no, I’ve never sent a dick pic.  However, I do distinctly remember sending a picture of someone (not me) giving the finger.  Yeah, it may have been to an ex-girlfriend.  Oops.

WARNING: The Thurber Brigade is about to publish one of the most vile, disgusting Dick Pics ever.  For the weak of heart and those who get offended easily, we suggest you look away now:

Dick Cheney

(How this Dick isn’t in prison for treason for outing a CIA agent or for war profiteering, we do not know.)

No Tweets

As much as Trump criticizes the press, there's no doubt that they made him what he is.  They made him president.

He spent very little money during primary season. The reason: the mainstream news gave him 24/7 coverage.  I remember working out at the gym in front of a bank of TVs and all the news channels were waiting breathlessly as his plane pulled up to some rally. It didn’t seem to matter that he was last in the polls and no one thought much of him as a candidate, they still gave him unprecedented coverage.

I don’t remember any previous election in which a person got so much free attention. As he got more coverage, his name became better known with voters and he garnered more attention. This helped move him up against a big bunch of other pols who didn’t get anywhere near the coverage. We now live with the end result of this unrelenting coverage.

And the media continues this assault on viewers mental faculties by endlessly reporting on his tweets.  It doesn't matter that they are inane, have many misspellings or defame someone, the media happily reports them as if they were bona fide news.

They are not. 

They are also not official policy.

They are not legal documents nor government announcements.

However, they are often inflammatory. They more often than not are lies.  They also are misogynistic and racist on many occasions. They give him an outlet to make outrageous statements.  They allow him to blow off steam in a public manner. They provide him another avenue to disparage the very media who report on the tweets. And worse of all, these tweets promote him but not policy.

So the media need to stop covering these tweets.  Don't mention them, allude to them, nor give them any coverage at all. 

Oh sure, the Republican news network, also called Fox News, would still report them, but that network broadcasts to his hardcore followers anyway.  People who want real news filled with facts do not watch the American version of Pravda.

If the media stopped covering these infantile musings they might actually force him to begin to make official statements like normal presidents have in the past.  He might have to actually hold news conferences in which it would be harder (but not impossible) for him to get away with untruths.

A bigger incentive might be to not give him an outlet to blast the media that he criticizes but desperately craves.  Don't give in to his addiction for attention.

It would be a start.  A start for maybe getting him to behave like an adult, er, President.

The next logical step would be to stop covering his pep rallies disguised as campaign events. He's going to attack the press while there anyway, why cover it?  He always says the same things.  So just send an intern to listen to see if he says anything new, and if he does, don't roll the tape, just briefly mention it. 

There is no reason to keep giving him all this free publicity when he's not saying anything of importance.

So media, stop feeding this narcissistic man's ego and giving him free PR.  The majority of Americans (remember, he lost the popular vote by the largest margin of anyone who claimed the White House) will thank you for the silence.

The Thurber Brigade once again apologizes for taking another sidestep and straying from the ongoing War Between Men and Women (relationships). However, this incessant tweeting by The Orange One and the media coverage has driven us crazy.  So although the concept of the news media ignoring him is not new, we hope that if enough voices complain, maybe we'll stop getting deluged by this crazy and useless bilge emanating from the guy. Sadly, we also know that the media loves attention just as much as him. Sigh. 

 

The Dirty Sex Blog

Here in the United States people consider sex to be dirty. Oh, other western countries may have the same mind set, but it's unlikely—or at least, not as extreme. We won't even begin to imagine the minds in the third world.

Anyway, here in the U.S. if you think about sex all the time, you have a dirty mind.  Likewise, your mind is in the gutter if you think about different sexual positions.  Mention some of these to your girlfriend and she'll probably smile sheepishly, raise an eyebrow and say:

“Oh, you dirty boy.”

In the old days, guys would buy dirty magazines.  No, they weren’t mags that had been dropped in the mud or dirt, they were publications with dirty pictures of women in them.  These were sometimes also called “skin mags,” or “beat-off rags” or “sex books” (not really a book, a magazine).  The proper name would be pornography magazine, or porn mags, but if your mother discovered one in your room, they were always dirty magazines.  Or “filthy” if Mom was really angry. 

They're still around today of course, but now everyone consumes most porn on the internet. That's why it was invented after all. Right?  No one calls it dirty internet, although, I guess, some might say they surfed to a dirty website.

Oh, and it's not just guys who have dirty minds, even though we probably think about sex more often.  You often can hear discussions—or admissions—that someone is a dirty girl.  Or a man might try to taunt his girlfriend into a dirty act by asking “are you a good girl or a dirty girl?”

I bring all of this up because I think this belief system has been extended to our personal hygiene.  Since people believe that sex is dirty, to them it also follows that if you touch your penis your hand is now dirty.  Not because it IS dirty, but the concept is that because the penis might have been involved (or can be involved) in a sex act, your hand is dirty.

 

So if you go to pee, because you have touched your penis you must wash your hands.  Even if you didn’t get any, um, liquid on them.  In truth, your hands are far more dirty than your penis. Your hands have come into contact with doorknobs that have been handled by people with colds. You’ve opened doors using handles touched by folks who sneezed into their hands. You shook the hand of someone who is sweating profusely and has just petted a slobbering dog. You probably type on a computer keyboard that hasn't been cleaned in months.

Truthfully, if you really wanted to be hygienic you’d wash your hands before you touched your penis.  But no, because your penis may take part in dirty acts, better wash your hands after contact.

Some will counter that because your crotch is a rather warm environment it means there's more likelihood of bacteria, so that is why you should wash your hands. However, when you scratch your armpit (which is also in a warm environment) you don’t wash your hands. Plus, your hands get plenty sweaty on their own whenever they are put to use on a warm day. I always have to remind people that sweat is 99% water and is only smelly if it contacts bacteria—it doesn't create it.

So I don't think of sex as a dirty act, don't think I have a dirty mind because I think about sex a lot, and slowly I’m trying to retrain myself into not thinking I have to wash my hands every time I touch my penis.

It's been pounded into my psyche for a lifetime, so it may take awhile. Do your part and don't guilt your offspring into thinking their hands are diseased unless they wash after using the toilet. That's for a Number One of course.  A Number Two they better wash their hands.  I sure don’t want to touch any doorknobs after them if they don’t.

 

(A few words for your dirty mind)

We at The Thurber Brigade hope you enjoyed this “Dirty Blog” and may sometime in the future also tackle other odd concepts here in the U.S.  Concepts such as if you are a loud, blowhard, you are strong, while if you are a quiet guy, you are a sniveling weakling.

 

Rejection

In the bottom drawer of one of my file cabinets sit hundreds of rejection letters.  These are from publishers, editors, agents, etc. for countless submissions of books, articles and stories.  Some of the letters are nice; some include reasons why; some, probably the majority, are soulless standardized form letters. All have the same impact: momentary depression, then resolve to try again.

Did I mention I was stubborn?

Of course, like most guys I’ve had twice that amount (or more) of rejections from women.  It ranges from the rejection by the girl of my dreams when I was 10 to my request to sit by her in the school lunchroom, to that night at The Continental Club when 10 different women turned down my request to dance (several were even dancing in place as if they were keen to hit the dance floor).

Oh, and let me bring up here how men are required to make First Contact—as I’ve blogged before. So although the rejection still stings, we guys get used to the soul wrenching experience. No, we're not immune to the pain of the psychological slap to the face, but we drive on regardless.

I bring rejection up because it is tied to the notorious “#metoo” phenomenon.  It's closely related to my blog about cat calling.  Some men are good at approaching females, some not so much.  Some smooth, some irresponsibly boorish.  Some can knock off a woman's socks with a line, some get their blocks knocked off for saying something crass.

So a natural outgrowth of this is that some men who know they are required to make the first move, take it too far.  Those who have a little prestige or power, may even begin to use that status to push the envelope.  Some of these even enter the realm of going waaaay too far (sexual assault).

Now understand that I’m not implying that because men must make First Contact it's okay to be a little aggressive as long as you don't go too far.  I am however implying that women have a hand in this.  No, not blame for it, but responsibility for initiating an almost Pavlovian-ingrained male trait.

Before all those angry feminists that harangue me start tweeting away, let me give an example of what I’m getting at here.  Let's say that I’m walking down the rough streets of some city openly counting a wad of money.  Within a block I get mugged.  Probably 9 out of 10 people will say “well, what did you expect?”  Oh, they may say the mugger is the guilty party, but they'll also strongly suggest that I precipitated the robbery.

So why can't women understand that they have a hand in creating the situation that precipitated the #metoo problem?  Just like I shouldn't be blamed for getting robbed, women shouldn't be blamed for some guy accosting them.  Just like I shouldn't be blamed for waving around a bunch of money, they shouldn’t be blamed for wearing provocative clothing or walking too close to a coworker. 

However, just like I must recognize that I may have set up the chance to be robbed, women should understand that by not taking a hand in starting a relationship they are guiding a male behavior pattern. 

Face it, men have always been aggressive when it comes to meeting females. It began when cave men would kill to claim a fertile woman to take back to the cave, transformed to a sailor home on leave from the war in the Pacific hitting on the girl serving sodas at the drug store and morphed into today's bar scene of some guy asking to dance.

 "Cathy" by  Cathy Guisewite

Along the way, humankind has changed and modernized, but for some reason, women taking a hand in First Contact never has. So they've championed for the right to vote and equal rights, but stayed mum on taking responsibility to get a relationship off the ground. 

So excuse me if I only give passing acknowledgment to those #metoo advocates.  No, guys shouldn't assault women or abuse them verbally, but until women make a change in behavior themselves, expect guys to make as many unwise approaches as smooth ones.  After all, I've learned to never take cash out of my wallet until absolutely needed.

The Texas Seasons

Often you will hear travelers to The Great State mention how they couldn’t live here because they’d miss having the “seasons.”  They wax poetic about seeing the leaves change on trees and remember fondly building snowmen. 

 

Although they could do that here in Texas, the number of days a person could experience those memories is pretty short. Pining for the four seasons up North seems odd to us, because here in Texas, we have eight seasons.

According to your calendar, Summer has just begun.  In Texas, summer is a factor in just about all the seasons.  Ergo, we have many more seasons then the rest of the country.

Here are the seasons in Texas:

• Summer
• Real Summer
• Summer Post Facto
• Fading Summer
• Faux Fall
• Waning Winter
• Spring-ish
• Pre-summer

Now, with climate change the actual dates will fluctuate, but here’s a rough guide to when the seasons occur:

Summer---------------June 22-July 3

Real Summer---------July 4-September 1

Summer Post Facto---September 2-October 5

Fading Summer-------October 6-November 25

Faux Fall--------------November 26-December 23, 26-30

Waning Winter----December 24, 25, 31-January 10

Spring-ish-------------January 11-February 28

Presummer------------March 1-June 21

Most Texans are used to these seasons, and shudder when the temperature drops below 70°.  When that rare occasion happens (usually in Waning Winter), they grab their parkas, huddle in their houses and wonder if it’s the end of the world.

Yes, summer has begun according to your calendar, but here in Texas we all know that it is just a number on a piece of paper—and that piece of paper will probably catch fire when Real Summer gets here.   

So grab yourself a glass of sweetened ice tea, your little floaty device, a good straw cowboy hat and head to the nearest body of water because you’re going to want to keep cool for the next 11 or so months.

We at The Thurber Brigade wanted to enlighten visitors to Texas about the weather, and so hope you won't mind this little sidestep (we didn't have time to explain how in Waning Winter temps may be 100 one day and 32 the next).  We're furiously working on another blog that's sure to anger someone as we discuss aspects of the ongoing War Between Men and Women (um, relationships).  Keep cool until then. 

 

Just the Facts Ma'am

A Thurber Brigade Satirical Sidestep

The “Flat Earth” disciples must surely be unapologetic satirists as how can they believe in such nonsense when overwhelming facts stand in their way?  Of course, that must also be the case for all those Trump supporters who just laugh off all the facts and (surely) pretend to believe the man's lies. 

Subconsciously they are winking at us.

For example, they are clearly pulling our leg when they try to convince us that The Donald actually won the popular vote.  This even though all evidence, including from countless Republican state Secretaries of State, that he lost by over three million votes.

Along those lines, they must have their fingers crossed when they say that thousands of non-citizens voted in the 2016 election even though there is absolutely no evidence.

And just as similar, they must secretly roll their eyes as they say that undocumented immigrants get to take advantage of all those American benefits even though everybody who runs those programs or works for them profess that it is not true nor possible.

You have to assume that these folks are pulling your leg when they say we don't need to regulate business/corporations because those businesses would never do anything that might harm citizens. No, those folks would never pollute our rivers, make toys that hurt children, inflate prices on necessary medicines, etc. Trust them.

These people are also laughing under their breath as they tell you that the Trump campaign had absolutely no connections to the Russians, even though many who worked on the campaign have admitted to having made contact with the Ruskies.

And speaking of Russians, those Trump supporters who say the Christopher Steele dossier is fake are surely trying to be sarcastic as they undoubtedly know that Steele was a trusted U.K. operative who specializes on Russian covert operations; is not a Democratic supporter but instead didn't want Trump elected due to his likely vulnerability to Russian pressure because of his business and, ahem, personal scandals with Putin's agents.

Yes, just like those Flat-Earthers there is no way that Trump supports are that gullible and naive. They don't believe the over 2,000 lies that Trump has said.

No, They just love satire and parody. What funny people.

 Ahhhh, James Thurber

Okay, The Thurber Brigade actually does believe Trump supporters are that stupid and gullible. However, if you are a fan of satire and parody, be sure and get a copy of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE, the hilarious satirical e-book about American culture.