Tuesday, March 28, 2017

The London Manifesto: a Thurber Brigade Sidestep

As rogue members of The Thurber Brigade, we declare that the recent London terrorist acted in accordance to the wishes of our group: British Are Redcoat Facists (BARF).

We have never forgiven the British for their treatment of American colonists. Whether it was setting NYC on fire or hanging our loyal comrades who fought in the militias, we will not forget their atrocities. Regardless of the years where they "claimed" to be our allies, nor that it happened over 200 years ago, we will never forget.

Although some other irrelevant and foolish groups claim responsibility for the attack on London, it should be abundantly clear to the world that the attacker followed our guidance and ideals.

— Over the years he has proven he wanted to rebel against the Bloody Brits by callously flaunting their laws.

— Like a huge portion of the American populace, his weapon of choice was the automobile (40,000+ American deaths by auto in 2016)

— Just as a large percentage of Americans have been incarcerated for various crimes, he too was a lifelong adherent to the criminal lifestyle.

We at BARF will continue to rebel against the evil British Empire and will combat their atrocious attempts to Anglicize the world with their hideous tea and scones at 4 p.m. (Tea Time), their wanton embrace of musical diversity, their absurd love of an anachronistic monarch, and especially their insane belief that soccer must be called football.

Our struggle will continue unabated and forever.  Long live the BARF rebellion!


We at The Thurber Brigade (the non-rogue element) wish to apologize for this sidestep. We believe this cheap attempt at satire to ridicule ISIS and other terrorist groups who like to claim all criminal acts as a result of their bizarre beliefs is, well, futile.  To think that terrorist groups are logical or intelligent or rational enough to understand how their misinterpretation of religious dogma is not a valid reason to carry out atrocities doesn't make sense. They're nuts. They don't understand their own religion, how could they possibly understand satire? We at The Thurber Brigade promise to get back on track with the next blog. Really.
Legal Disclaimer: The Thurber Brigade legal staff has advised us that we must declare that we are NOT responsible for the terrorist attack in London, nor do we support any act of violence.  However, we do claim credit for the invention of the pet brick, Jello ice cream, sunny days at the beach and are proud sponsors of the Marty Feldman Fan Club.  


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