The Thurber Brigade's Annual "Story of Christmas"

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.   

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.” 

Pagan Shaman  vs. Pope Headgear 

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth. 

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it. 

Be sure and watch "Vikings" on The History Channel

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around. 

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for using this rerun once again.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends. 

The Gift of the Anti-Magi

How could he express his love for Delia with this year's Christmas present? Jimmy Young thought of his wife and what she had said and a light bulb turned on in his mind. They had been through so much together, the early days when they barely had food to eat to the disastrous restaurant incidents. Now that they had made a decent life for themselves, he could afford to give her the gift she'd been dreaming of for some time.

Delia loved her husband and admired his drive to give them a better life. Sure, at times he could be too literal and not see the forest for the trees, or be willing to pause now and then to smell the flowers along his path. However, she knew he loved her deeply and she desired to show her own devotion by giving a precious, endearing gift for Christmas.

So the day arrived and each believed they had found the perfect expression of their love for the other.  Jimmy carried out a very large box festively decorated and it stood nearly equal in size to their modest Christmas tree.  Delia brought out a large blue box with a red ribbon and placed it lovingly at her adoring husband’s feet.

“You go first,” Jimmy said.

So Delia walked up to the large box presented by Jimmy and carefully began to unwrap the gift. After Jimmy suggested she not worry about saving the paper and just “let her rip,” she tore the rest of the wrapping off.  Before her now stood a gleaming Zambolla Dirt Destroyer vacuum cleaner. Delia stood dumbfounded in front of the humongous machine.

“You bought me a vacuum cleaner,” she said unemotionally.

Jimmy beamed. “Yes, just like the one you said you wanted last month. Oh, and look, it has all the special attachments and brushes that everyone dreams about.”

She looked at him in shock.  “This is the absolute worst gift you have ever given me,” she exclaimed.  “How could you give me a household appliance for the holiday?”

“I thought you dreamed about this?” he said, shocked. 

“I wanted it as a tool to use, not as a gift,” She said softly, trying to hide her sadness at the gift.  “Well, open yours.”

Jimmy looked down at the box at his feet, smiled weakly and hid his disappointment at his gift-giving failure.  He opened the box Delia had presented him and discovered a large bottle of cologne lying on top of a fuzzy, wool sweater. “What the hell,” he said, furrowing his brows as he looked down at the gift.

“Yes, it’s the most popular scent, all the kids are raving about it.  Plus, you said you needed something to keep you warm at those football games,” Delia said, her spirit slightly raised at seeing her offering.

Jimmy looked aghast at his wife.  “I was hoping for a Green Bay Packers sweatshirt,” he stammered. “And why would you get me perfume?”

“Um, it’s cologne. I thought you would like having something other than that old aftershave you use.”

“I hate guys who wear fancy, shmansy smells, er, colognes.  Plus, guys who wear sweaters like this are wimpy, metrosexuals who don’t go to football games.”

The married couple glanced at the gifts they had just been given and then blankly at each other.

They had experienced the age-old difference between male and female gift giving. They had discovered that neither of them had a single clue about the other’s dreams or thought process.  Learned that the sexes had not progressed from Eve giving Adam the forbidden fruit. They had once more enlisted for combat in The War Between Men and Women.

Ahhhh, James Thurber