The Gift of the Anti-Magi

How could he express his love for Delia with this year's Christmas present? Jimmy Young thought of his wife and what she had said and a light bulb turned on in his mind. They had been through so much together, the early days when they barely had food to eat to the disastrous restaurant incidents. Now that they had made a decent life for themselves, he could afford to give her the gift she'd been dreaming of for some time.

Delia loved her husband and admired his drive to give them a better life. Sure, at times he could be too literal and not see the forest for the trees, or be willing to pause now and then to smell the flowers along his path. However, she knew he loved her deeply and she desired to show her own devotion by giving a precious, endearing gift for Christmas.

So the day arrived and each believed they had found the perfect expression of their love for the other.  Jimmy carried out a very large box festively decorated and it stood nearly equal in size to their modest Christmas tree.  Delia brought out a large blue box with a red ribbon and placed it lovingly at her adoring husband’s feet.

“You go first,” Jimmy said.

So Delia walked up to the large box presented by Jimmy and carefully began to unwrap the gift. After Jimmy suggested she not worry about saving the paper and just “let her rip,” she tore the rest of the wrapping off.  Before her now stood a gleaming Zambolla Dirt Destroyer vacuum cleaner. Delia stood dumbfounded in front of the humongous machine.

“You bought me a vacuum cleaner,” she said unemotionally.

Jimmy beamed. “Yes, just like the one you said you wanted last month. Oh, and look, it has all the special attachments and brushes that everyone dreams about.”

She looked at him in shock.  “This is the absolute worst gift you have ever given me,” she exclaimed.  “How could you give me a household appliance for the holiday?”

“I thought you dreamed about this?” he said, shocked. 

“I wanted it as a tool to use, not as a gift,” She said softly, trying to hide her sadness at the gift.  “Well, open yours.”

Jimmy looked down at the box at his feet, smiled weakly and hid his disappointment at his gift-giving failure.  He opened the box Delia had presented him and discovered a large bottle of cologne lying on top of a fuzzy, wool sweater. “What the hell,” he said, furrowing his brows as he looked down at the gift.

“Yes, it’s the most popular scent, all the kids are raving about it.  Plus, you said you needed something to keep you warm at those football games,” Delia said, her spirit slightly raised at seeing her offering.

Jimmy looked aghast at his wife.  “I was hoping for a Green Bay Packers sweatshirt,” he stammered. “And why would you get me perfume?”

“Um, it’s cologne. I thought you would like having something other than that old aftershave you use.”

“I hate guys who wear fancy, shmansy smells, er, colognes.  Plus, guys who wear sweaters like this are wimpy, metrosexuals who don’t go to football games.”

The married couple glanced at the gifts they had just been given and then blankly at each other.

They had experienced the age-old difference between male and female gift giving. They had discovered that neither of them had a single clue about the other’s dreams or thought process.  Learned that the sexes had not progressed from Eve giving Adam the forbidden fruit. They had once more enlisted for combat in The War Between Men and Women.

Ahhhh, James Thurber