The Brigade Beer Blog

Sooner or later, it had to happen. Anyone who has followed my Twitter or FaceBook posts have noticed that I don't post selfies.  I post pictures of my books on an iPad that is sitting next to a beer.  Yes, I promote my books while simultaneously promoting some of my favorite places to hang out and their beers. 

Those places make their own beer. So, in other words, good beer.  Places like brew pubs or tap rooms (tasting rooms) at breweries.  Places that don't skimp on ingredients and in fact brag about those ingredients. If you ask them about a beer that interests you they not only let you sample it first, they may launch into a long speech about how it got made.

They are places where beer snobs such as myself feel at home.

When I travel, for meals I look for brew pubs so I can not only sample their beer, but experience the good pub grub they offer. I like to vacation where I can enjoy my hiking passion as well as hit beer festivals. So, I've been to the Great American Beer Festival a number of times. I’ve visited my favorite, the Oregon Brewers Festival, so often that I now also go to volunteer (can't drink while doing it, but they give you free tokens to get beer after you’re done).

So it was only a matter of time before I would feel obligated to blog about beer.  As a beer snob, it meant I'd also rant against Mass Produced Beer (Bud, Miller, Coors, et al).

Unlike the beer lovingly brewed at the above-mentioned places, Mass Produced Beer (MPB) has little taste, color, aroma or body. It is often brewed with inferior ingredients, as well as includes “things” that do not belong in beer.

Have you heard about adjuncts?  Adjuncts are ingredients that sound okay, but in effect are shortchanging beer drinkers. They are used to save the brewer money by using cheaper ingredients. For example, Bud uses rice as an adjunct while Miller uses corn.  In other words, instead of using all malt, they'll cut it with the adjunct so you get half the taste and body. It's why if you drink a good beer and then follow with an MPB it suddenly tastes like you are drinking water with battery acid mixed into it. 

My theory about why the MPBs began doing this is that shortly after prohibition ended, the brewers decided they needed to try something to make more money. Since the American public was thirsty for beer after a long drought they didn't notice that they were now missing out on taste.

After the brewers were safely on two feet and making money hand over fist they decided they didn’t need to go back to making a full beer. Instead, they decided to spend a little more on advertising and keep shortchanging beer drinkers.

I’m always noting to friends how the MPB have great TV ads, but lousy beer. They sound good, but taste bad.

German brewers came up with this same scheme centuries ago, but beer drinkers revolted. Urban legend says that some brewers lost their heads over this, but I have a feeling that’s just some beer drinker embellishing the story a bit (after a few beers). Politicians eventually got on board and passed the famous German Purity Law to prevent this catastrophe. The law states that brewers may only use four ingredients: water, barley, hops and yeast. 

Some MPBs also use other ingredients that you won't find in good beer. Strange ingredients like emulsifiers, corn syrup, and who knows what else?  Trying to find out what they add is like pulling teeth. Soon, like most foods in the US, they'll be forced to tell us what's in the beer.

Some MPBs use advertising to trick customers that their ingredients are not evil, I mean, less than beer pure. You have seen it and probably not noticed. Something like admitting one of the ingredients is rice, but downplay that it is used to produce a less tasty product.  They just mention it along with the other ingredients and hope you don’t question its inclusion. Similar to how your wife may mention something about the weather this weekend and under her breath mention that her mother is coming to visit. Go ahead, wrinkle your nose, it really is just as bad.

So if you have fallen for MPB’s ads and think you are getting a great product, then educate your taste buds to real beer.  Spend an extra dollar to purchase a beer with taste, aroma, body and color.  However, if you are a teenager and just want to get drunk behind the barn with your friends, well, go ahead and buy the cheap MPB (illegal in the US by the way) and leave the good stuff for us adults.

We at The Thurber Brigade wanted a much longer blog, one that included talking about different styles, types of hops, etc., but some of the non-beer drinking editors insisted we tame the length. Likewise, we could have mentioned more about adjuncts, emulsifiers, et al, maybe even been balanced and mention why MPBs include them, but hey, if they can spend billions on advertising lousy beer, they can afford to write their own blog defending lesser ingredients. Oops, sorry, got carried away again.

The Midwestern Mystique

Remember all those years ago when you were watching Johnny Carson and you thought how weird his accent sounded? Or more recently with David Letterman?

Of course not!

They sounded normal.  They enjoyed that Midwestern Mystique.

The Midwest is in the heart of the country and ranges from Minnesota to Oklahoma and from Kansas to Ohio (it can vary on who you ask). Admittedly, you might notice an accent up in Minnesota that sounds a little Scandinavian, but the rest of the region is pretty much non-accent. So the sound is plain versus the drawl in the South, to the nasal whine of New Jersey, etc. 

The Midwestern Mystique is more than just accent though. The attitude and belief systems are different. Not to promote my book (too much), but I play this up in “Writing Trash and Hunting Buffalo.”  In it the main character, a Hollywood gossip writer from the Midwest, bemoans having to be around the LA folk who he believes are obsessed with fame and fortune and seem almost whacky to his way of thinking.  Basically, it's Midwestern values versus Hollywood.

One of the big differences between Midwesterners and others shows up in their desire to avoid excessiveness. The Midwesterner is the guy drinking quietly in the corner at a party while his New Yorker girlfriend is hugging and kissing every person she runs into and barely knows. If a Midwesterner were to run into an acquaintance at a party, he'd nod and just say “hey.” A kiss on the cheek is only reserved for grandmothers, mothers and maybe a special aunt.

I remember when I released “Trash” I asked my folks to promote it to their friends. When I grilled them a month later, they said they didn’t bring it up to anybody.

“We didn't want to seem like we were bragging.”

Mommmmmmm, Dad, jeez. I finally got Dad to send an email to a few relatives telling about the book, but it was unlikely he said much more than, “Well, Jay wrote another book.”

Midwesterners are typically portrayed in movies and TV as either hayseeds or glass-wearing, shy folk (not nerds mind you).  If they tell someone from outside the region that they come from the Midwest they're likely to be perceived as coming straight from the farm. A good example is in “Star Trek IV” where Kirk tells a woman he’s from Iowa, and she later refers to him as “farm boy.”

This may be the reason that outsiders consider Midwesterners gullible.  However, it not because they are gullible, but that they are too trusting.  A perfect example of this is Kansas. Back in the old days, Kansas was a hotbed of populism.  In the 1890’s Mary Elizabeth Lease (the people’s Joan of Arc) lead a strong movement to help farmers who many believed were taken advantage of by Wall Street.

So these trusting Kansans trusted the Republican party when they moved in and claimed to represent the common man who struggled against the system.  Little did these trusting souls know that the GOP moved away from that mantra in the 1960s and actually became more in league with Wall Street than the common man. So Kansas has been solidly red for decades now, even though those same politicians were bleeding the state dry. 

As a child brought up in the Midwest (yeah, I lived in Kansas during grades school and junior high) I have to admit that I often adhere to the Midwestern Mystique and avoid excessiveness. 

I’d rather go hiking in the woods than rave at a loud party. I’ll choose to blend in to a crowd at a hockey game rather than wear some fancy clothes to draw attention at a bar.

Perhaps most telling, I like sitting home writing a blog while listening to “Kansas” on the stereo than making a scene at the latest hip night spot. 

 Of course I had to include a picture of John Brown.  It's required if you mention Kansas.  This picture is not only on a "Kansas" (the rock band) record album, but also is a gigantic mural in the capitol building in Topeka.  Although Southerners will tell you he's a vicious madman, Kansans see him in a much better light. 

Isn't She Attractive?

Quite a while ago in a blog I admitted I'm a “leg man.” I'm attracted to women with shapely legs. I attribute this to being a gung-ho jogger, and in fact give extra points to women who partake.  Of course, I got attacked by angry feminists who claimed I was too superficial. My counterpoint was that women were just as superficial as they admitted being attracted to a guy with money or star power (rock stars, etc.). 

Some of the feminists also stressed, vigorously, that I was sexist due to this attraction to the female form.  I summarily blogged about the difference between sexuality and sexism. Admittedly, that blog evolved into a rant about Trump, but you get the gist.

So yes, I’m attracted to the picture at the top of this blog because the woman has great legs. As has been discussed countless times in blogs, bars and bouts, er, conversations with the opposite sex, when you first meet someone, you have little to go on. You can't say you are attracted to the woman above because she has a great personality. You don't know that. You only have looks.

Of course, I guess you could postulate that maybe she does/doesn't have good taste in fashion. I'm more tempted to question her on whether she paid for her jeans in that condition, did she cut them up herself or did it happen due to wear and tear.

To me, it's so goofy that women—or men—buy something like that. I remember in my youth having jeans and patching them when they got holes. Admittedly it was partially a Sixties thing, but also common sense. You want to get your money's worth, so you patch the hole and keep on truckin'.

Of course, I was one of those who was brought up attending the Church of the Penny-pincher, and learned at the feet of Reverend MacFrugal.

So paying big bucks for clothing like above would certainly land me in Hell.  It doesn't make sense, nor cents. It's foolish and wasteful.  Maybe even shows a disdain for the common man who struggles to put food on the table and spends his/her money wisely and prudently.

It reminds me of going to a restaurant and seeing students there eating. Oh sure, we all need to eat, but when I was a student I lived on bologna and rice to avoid debt. My guess is that these kids have been given a credit card by their folks and have no sense of how much Dad, or Mom, have got to labor to pay the bills.

Likewise, I’ve been to countless music concerts and marvel that I see a lot of young people there.  Sure, when I was a student I would go listen to music, but it was always free shows, or else it was once a year event as it would wipe out my entertainment budget.  I doubt that’s the case of those I see at these things that cost upwards of $60 or more. No, I’m sure Mom and Dad are paying for it as well as the drinks, food and concert T-shirt that they all purchase.

And what’s with this new scooter fad?  Let’s say that it only costs one dollar for each trip (I’m sure it’s actually more). If the college student rides it to class and back each day, you are looking at a bill over $200 by the end of the semester.  My guess is they only think of the single dollar charge and can’t picture the true cost of extended use. Poor Dad.

Anyway, it drives me crazy that there are women who don’t even think about the cost of something, only the pleasure they’ll get out of said item.  I could never be attracted to someone like that.

 Ahhh, James Thurber

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for once again getting off topic. How this thing devolved into a rant about reckless spending we’re not sure.  However, why men are attracted to females is an important topic with many branches and we promise that sometime in the future we will really talk about attraction.  Maybe.

The Thurber Brigade's Annual "Story of Christmas"

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.   

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.”

 

Pagan Shaman vs Pope Headgear 

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth. 

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it.

Be sure and watch "Vikings" on The History Channel

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around. 

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

 The Thurber Brigade apologizes for using this rerun once again.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends.

He Had It Coming

A judge in Portland has been criticized by civil rights groups and the local community for handing down a light sentence to a woman who attacked and robbed a local businessman.

Judge Judy Pattibone only sentenced Belinda Shoemaker to time served in her case of assaulting John Finemann last March. Shoemaker claimed that Finemann had shown interest in her and consented to the assault. They had met at a local nightclub where both consumed several “adult beverages.”

Shoemaker claimed that Finemann then willingly invited her to his apartment where the alleged assault occurred.  She also claimed that once there, Finemann commenced to entice her by displaying his fine furniture and $10,000 stereo system. He also showed off a top of the line television and home movie theater. The assault happened shortly after this according to court documents.

“Does the evidence out-rule the possibility that she was attracted to the gentleman and was open to meeting someone and taking his equipment by force?” Shoemaker's defense lawyer said in court.

“You have to look at the way he was dressed and his exquisite possessions. He was wearing a tailored suit with silk tie," she said, according to the Portland Examiner.

Civil rights protestors gathered outside the court and waved ties and carried signs declaring that fashionable clothing did not mean consent to be beaten and robbed.

Using a tie as evidence of implied consent was considered victim-blaming by many angry wealthy men on social media, who started publishing pictures of their ties using the #ThisIsNotConsent hashtag.

This case parallels one last year in which several wealthy men were beaten and had their cars stolen.  In both cases jurors found the defendants not guilty, much to the dismay of car dealers and expensive car owners.

“He had it coming to him,” stated one juror, who wished not to be identified. “Did you see the leather seats and computerized dashboard?  How could people resist not taking the car by any means available with such overwhelming enticements?  You go out in public looking hot in a car like that and you should expect to be beaten and vandalized.”

In all the cases the ACLU has declared they would assist the victims in appealing the decisions.  “Just dressing in fine clothes or driving overly expensive automobiles does not mean that the people involved have granted consent to be robbed and beaten,” Rodney Weatherall of the ACLU stated.

Public opinion on this issue is fairly divided and the issue will unlikely be resolved any time soon.  Organizations representing the wealthy have advised people to use more discretion in public until they can successfully lobby Congress using massive amounts of money to pass laws that explicitly deal with this subject. Fact finding trips to Paris and Rome to investigate at length have already been scheduled for next year.

Yes.  The Thurber Brigade does think that this is obviously wrong.  How a person looks, dresses, what he/she owns, etc. is never a reason to assault someone.  However, for some reason, when the case involves a female dressed provocatively, the courts and public opinion have a different mind.  We at The Brigade often talk about sex and sexuality as well as post pictures of scantily clad females (sometimes men). It doesn't mean we believe any of those grants a person consent to assault or take advantage of another person. Ever.