The Brigade's Annual Story of Christmas

A bright star shone above the Earth and three wise men followed it to their destination.  They came a long way because of the knowledge they had of the events.  

They came to meet the Pope, probably around 400 C.E. 

“The pagans are enjoying Saturnalia way too much” the wise men told the Pope.  “They’re dancing, singing, giving gifts to friends, burning trees.  It’s woefully unbecoming a modern society and a threat to entice our followers to imbibe in the joyful celebration.”

“You are right,” the Pope agreed.  “We must do something to ensure that we can maintain our control.”

Pope vs. Pagan Headgear

Therefore, the Pope and his followers came up with a plan.

They began to promote a celebration of Christ (Christ-Mass) during the same time as Saturnalia.  When asked why have a celebration, they explained that it was to celebrate Christ’s birth.

The pagans were skeptical at first.  “Didn’t you say Christ was born in the spring?  Around March?”  one asked.  “I heard the Pope say he was born in August,” another chimed in helpfully.

The Pope said he had made a mistake, due to the change in the calendar system to the more modern Julian one.  Christ was indeed born in December, the Pope assured everyone.

The pagans still didn’t like it.

Join the "Vikings" (on History Channel) as they light the Yule Log

“Saturnalia is fun.  We get gifts, we have this cool tree, there’s dancing and singing,” they said.

“You can still do that,” the Pope professed.  “It’s a birthday party after all, isn’t it?”

So the pagans began to celebrate both holidays, but as more and more were convinced to switch over to Christianity, Saturnalia fell out of favor.  However, those pagans who still celebrated their cherished Saturnalia swore they’d take it back.

It took longer than they expected, but slowly and surely, the pagans have regained control of their celebration.  

The pagans made their biggest push in the 1950s and 60s by adding massive parades and celebrations to the winter festival.  They also brought in more symbols from other pagans’ beliefs, such as a rotund, bearded man giving gifts, and instead of burning logs as in the days of yore, they added colorful lights to the trees they dance around.

Through the 70s and 80s they advocated for more consumerism via bigger and better gifts.  Spellbinding advertisements for big, shiny cars and glittery jewels predominate the airwaves.  “Buy more! It will prove your love,” they proclaim.

So today the pagans have taken back the holiday—but have cleverly decided to keep it under the title “Christmas.” 

The celebration keeps getting expanded too, now beginning on the Friday after Thanksgiving (Pagan Black Friday) and continuing through New Year's.  There are competitions to have the biggest tree and brightest light displays.  Children are taught that the best gifts are the most expensive and the ones hardest to acquire.  In addition, of course, there are large gatherings to sing and perform in celebration of the holiday.

It has been a subtle takeover by the pagans, but they have finally reclaimed what was theirs.  So far, the Pope has not responded.

The Thurber Brigade wishes everyone a Happy Holiday—no matter which one you celebrate!

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for using this rerun once again.  Admit it though, you are already watching a ton of reruns, from "Miracle on 34th Street" to "It's a Wonderful Life" so why not one more?  Besides, The Brigade is busy buying presents and celebrating all the holidays that enjoy drinking and so hasn't had time to come up with some snarky blog about relationships.  We promise that after the New Year (and after all the football games) we'll get back on track.  Until then, enjoy the holidays and your friends.  

FREEDOM!

How pleasing it is that so many people clamor for more freedom. Especially when it comes to matters that affect them personally. I'm so in favor, but it needs to be more than just about a little shot.

 

 

 

It's my Constitutional right to drink as much as I want. Likewise, after drinking as much as I want, it’s also my God-given right to drive. FREEDOM! 

 

If I were to get hurt while driving after drinking, so what? That’s on me, a consequence of my choice of freedom. If someone else were to get hurt, we’ll, they should have kept their distance. 

 

If people express concern about being on the road with us drinkers, well, it's their option to drive or stay off the road. No one is forcing them to be around us drinkers. FREEDOM!

Also, what's all this nonsense about requiring me to have a kid buckled up in a car seat? It's my Constitutional right to let the little rug rat roll around on the seat next to me. I grew up without ever having to be so restrained in my Dad's pickup and I'm doing fine. FREEDOM!

Recently, I gave my little boy Tucker a shotgun and all the neighbors are up in arms! So what if that ten-year-old wanders around the block with it showing off? It's his constitutional right and anyone who objects is just some namby-pamby libtard. FREEDOM!

So everybody needs to get off their high horse and allow us freedom-loving Americans to do what is right and just for our liberty. Just as god gave us Trump to lead our nation to Freedom, we must continue to demand our God-given rights. FREEDOM!

Ahhh, James Thurber

The Thurber Brigade would like to apologize for this satirical sidestep that takes aim at the anti-vaxxers. But we won't. If you are one of those idiots who politicizes health issues or even worse, believes the right-wing crazies who espouse personal belief over science, fuck off. As a kid, I got my polio shot in elementary school without any nonsense about personal liberty or freedom because my folks weren’t stupid, knuckle draggers. Get the shot. Wear a mask in crowded indoor settings. Care about the public good. Be a caring citizen.

 

 

God is Watching

The big NFL football game is just hours away and you suddenly discover that you don't have any snacks or beer. You hop into your car and head to the nearby grocery store and are shocked to see that it is closed. You then realize you have time traveled back to the 60s-70s and no store is open on Sunday. 

Why? Well, God is watching.

They were called “Blue Laws” probably because they made everyone feel blue because people couldn't buy their snacks.

Often Young people don't believe me when I mention you couldn't buy a pair of socks on Sunday. They grew up in a time you could buy just about anything on Sunday. I guess God isn't watching as closely these days.

Over the years, the laws began to relax a bit here and there. For example, convenient stores were given exemptions first. Maybe because God wanted them to stay convenient or maybe because their lobby paid some big bucks. Gas stations also got a bye because hey, you need gas to be able to get to church to praise god.

Grocery stores came next because you sure can't worship god on an empty stomach. It took longer for shoes and socks, but they eventually got a pass from god too. Of course, god still won't allow alcohol to be sold on Sunday, but a number of years ago, he winked at beer.

It may seem strange that these rules changed so slowly, but that is quite common. Religions always adapt to the times. They have new interpretations of what god believes is okay. For example, in the early days of this country, you weren't allowed to play sports. Too ungodly. Nowadays there are church softball leagues. Before the 1800s, people could not celebrate Christmas. Too pagan for the Pope. By the way, the annual story of Christmas is a few weeks away.

Some folks will undoubtedly defend their religion and the Blue Laws by mentioning how their god commands them to keep the Sabbath holy. Well, I hate to remind them that Sunday is not really the Sabbath. Yep, even that got a reinterpretation by religions.

Sunday is the first day of the week. Saturday is the seventh day—which is the day god supposedly alluded to. So how did Sunday get to become the owner of Blue Laws? Around 400 CE some Pope decided he didn't like that his religion was required to observe the Sabbath on the same day as those heathen Jews. My gosh, they actually drank wine and cut off the tips of children's penises! So he moved the Sabbath one day over. After all, they both begin with the letter “S”. Who'll know the difference. 

So I hope you younger types will appreciate the sacrifices your elders had to endure. Imagine no chips and beer during Sunday football! It's ungodly.

Ahhh, James Thurber

The Thurber Brigade knows there were more restrictions based on religion. Things like birth control, women driving, women owning houses, well, women doing anything and much more. Those weren't tied to one day though and so maybe we'll catch you up on those in the future. As for the religious types who may be offended by the snarky way we attacked religion, we'd like to say we are sorry, except we're not. Nope, not at all sorry that we made fun of your current mythology. After 3,000 years people gave up on Zeus. There are 2,500 different gods being worshiped these days. You sure that your single god is the one?

Did we mention that Blue Laws violate church/state separation?

 

Jogging and Public Health

If you've been reading The Thurber Brigade for some time you'll know that I like running/jogging. It has been the topic of numerous blogs from dealing with the pandemic to running just for pleasure. My first experience with jogging was as a punishment.

One day at gym class at Jardine Junior High in Topeka, KS, Coach Tryon came in and was pissed. He yelled at us a bit then said we were going on a “fun run.” We got into a single line and then headed from the gym to around the football field, up an embankment to around the temporary classrooms (the grounds were large) around the main building and parking lot, eventually ending back at the gym. While the other kids bitched and moaned, I loved it and would eventually do fun runs on my own around my neighborhood. 

My gym class was being punished for the ungodly sin of leaving a towel out after a class. Who actually did it no one knew. All of us had to pay though. He was teaching us a lesson. Oh, it surely was with the idea that we should throw our towels in the hamper after using them, but it was more. He really taught us that we were all in this together. Yes, it had been one evil person who left out the towel. However, we all had a responsibility to check on everyone and make sure everyone followed the rules. 

He wasn’t teaching us a bad lesson on justice. He was teaching us a lesson, via socialization, that as a society we all had to work together.

As a society, we experience these lessons all the time in different environments.  In the army, this lesson was taught to us with even more urgency as it is critical for each unit to work as a team in order to survive. We absolutely had to look out for the other guy in the foxhole with us.

Even though this lesson of collective responsibility permeates our society, it's always a shock when people ignore it.

That is what is happening with the COVID-19 pandemic here in the U.S.  almost a third of the population has ignored their upbringing, disregarded the lesson that is pounded into each of us and has instead opted out. 

People shout they want freedom and refuse to wear a mask. However, it is not infringing their freedom, it is only an inconvenience. Like making your son wear a seat belt or telling your daughter not to run with scissors. It’s for their wellbeing as well as that of the family. 

Instead of believing that we are all in this together, this small group is saying it's all about them. Their vain individual needs are more important than the wellbeing of all of us. Screw you is their unspoken motto. 

Although wearing a mask and getting the shot will help all of us get past this pandemic, this minority of people refuse to join the team. It doesn't matter that there are far worse requirements that everyone must follow and everyone does (driver's license to drive, measles shots to go to school, take off your shoes to go through airport security, etc.), because of recent political opposition, this little act of goodwill is vilified. 

It's time for everyone to put politics behind them and join the team. Work with all of us to get over this pandemic. Just as Americans joined together to survive World War II, we need to work together to end this war.

So get the shot. Wear the mask. If not, Coach Jay is going to yell at you and take you on a “fun run.”

Women can't play sports!

We here at The Thurber Brigade wish to apologize for that title, but Coach Jay gave us a six pack and 50 bucks to let him take over the blog once again, so what could we say? Take it away Coach Jay.

Hey there gang, It's Coach Jay again and I'm here to blog about something that on first blush may seem controversial, but shouldn't be. Women in sports. It wasn't that long ago (1950s or 60s) that people, yes, women as well as men, believed the title of this blog. It's why I often state that women take for granted where they are at in the sports world.

Let's look back a bit at what it was like in “the old days.” Coach Jay took a “History of Sport” class from the legendary Dottie Lovett at The University of Texas. She was a tough as nails lady, but once you got past that barrier she put up, you found her to be understanding and kind. Anyway, in the course she enlightened us about what women faced over the years.

For example, at UT there are all sorts of service tunnels that run underground. Women would have to change into their gym outfits in the women's dorm, then walk through one of those tunnels to the women's gym. Heaven forbid they were seen outside in those outfits. Which were just longish skirts and a shirt. 

Whew, were those things provocative. These were skimpier, I guess, than the outfits the genteel women wore in the old days to play tennis. Those outfits were basically street clothes (full dress, hat, etc.) with the only nod to movement being they didn’t wear high heels.

The underlying philosophy about women playing sports in the old days was that they needed to be reserved so that they may not damage themselves. You know, in the reproductive realm. It was feared that if they jumped too much, they might not be able to have children because they could injure their, ahem, private parts. 

Well, except for black women. That was okay. So, minorities were allowed to take part in track and field events long before white women could. Yep, racism was and continues to be a major element of sports.

There are more interesting aspects of women sports in the past, such as when they were finally allowed to play basketball, they could only run to half court. So, there would be a group of women on one side of the court defending, then if they got the ball back they had to pass it to the group of women in the other half who played offense. But we won't go into more details now, just be aware that it's been a long, hard slog to get to where we are today. Which still isn’t too great.

But let's move on to some of the points I want to bring up. 

“You throw/run like a girl.”

Do you know how to juggle? I do. I'm not blessed with any great dexterity or coordination. But I now can juggle because someone taught me. My friend one day showed off his prowess and told me I could learn. He started with two balls, showed me how to do that and then we moved to three. I was terrible. He said this was normal. You just have to keep practicing. And so I did. I stood in my bedroom, juggling above the bed and kept failing miserably for some time. Then, after weeks of lousy throwing balls around, something clicked and I was able to do it for a few seconds. Then a minute. Then several minutes. As I kept doing it, I got better.

The quote used above was a common expression until just a few years ago. Except for a few exceptions, it was true. Most women ran and threw the ball like Daffy Duck. The reason was because they were not allowed to run or throw except at odd moments. Just like me who couldn't juggle, they couldn't do these simple skills skillfully. Think of it like this: in the old days, little boys would go outside and play pickup baseball games, or play tag. Little girls on the other hand would go outside and have a tea party with their friends.  If the weather was bad, they might stay inside and play with their dolls. The boys would switch to football as it's more fun in muddy conditions.

Wolowitz tries to throw a baseball in "The Big Bang Theory"

So if a girl was ever handed a baseball and told to throw it, well,  she'd look uncoordinated. She had no practice. One of my favorite shows is the “Big Bang Theory.” In several episodes, the guys try to play sports and it's hilarious. They're nerds! They didn't play sports when they were little. So, different gender, but same result. If you don't do a physical move over and over, you will look goofy trying to do it.

There were women's sports leagues early on,
but they were considered novelty items

This began to change. Slowly. In the 1950s there was a crack in the door as more girls were allowed to try sports. The 60s had an even bigger jump as women (and minorities) began to get more rights. Believe it or not thanks to Richard Nixon women began to really get to experience sports beginning in the 70s. He signed Title IX of the Education Amendments. An oversimplification of that momentous policy meant that women now should get equal rights in sport. 

Slowly, but surely, women began to throw a ball better. They were able to run faster and with agility. They could jump higher. Women were allowed to go full throttle in sports. As they began to do a physical activity more often, they began to master it. 

Have they become equal to men in sports? Well, no. When you walk into a forest, do you compare a sapling to an ancient tree? Men have been doing sports for centuries. They've been conditioned to that type of activity since birth.

As a big hockey fan, growing up it was frustrating to me that there weren't that many Americans in the NHL. I always said it was because when a Canadian is born, the first thing his parents put in the crib is a pair of hockey skates. Well, that's happening more in the US now and so there are more Americans in the NHL. 

It's the same with females. Stop putting that Barbie doll in your daughter's crib. Put a baseball in there.

As a student learning sports and exercise, I was always told that males had more muscle mass than females. This was why men are stronger than women “they” said. This may be true, but we guys got that muscle mass via evolution. Over the eons we did most of the heavy lifting. Our bodies adjusted to that. As women begin to do more and more of the activities that in the past only men performed, they will evolve too. 

So give that sapling more time before you compare her to the surrounding forest. She'll get just as tall.

Whoa, Coach Jay rambles on doesn't he? There is so much more to talk about from women’s clothing (I may let the Thurber Brigade handle that) to women's vs. men's pay in sports. I’ll try to save up another $50 so I can continue sometime.  Okay, enough sitting. Everybody get outside and run a couple laps! Coach Jay doesn't put up with lazy dolts. Get going.

The Nail in the Road Theory

Only a few short months ago I learned I had a slow leak in one of my car's tires. I used the usual tire fix in a can, but it only held a few days. When I took it in to have the tire fixed ($10) we discovered there was a nail in the tread.

In the old days, I would have ranted about drug addled, crazy teenagers driving around and throwing out nails and screws—along with empty beer bottles. However, except for the last item, I have come to realize they are not to blame.

It's carpenters, construction workers, handymen, etc.

Here's how all those screws, nails and bolts end up in the street—and eventually in our tires. All those handymen and such drive around in pickup trucks, both for the job and to impress the females. Most Don’t drive the high-end trucks with all the fancy accouterments. They drive old beaters with dents, cracks and chipped paint. 

So, at the end of the day, they don't have an expensive, lockable storage compartment in which to throw their tools and equipment. They just toss the stuff into the bed and drive on.  This includes boxes of nails and screws. 

These boxes are probably closed and lain next to the man's other gear with little thought about repercussions and consequences. So, as he's driving along he hits a pothole. Everything in the bed raises an inch in the air and lands back down in it’s previous spot with nothing more than a loud bang. However, the lid of the nail box has loosened. 

On the next bump, the lid flies open. The next bump sees one or two nails fly out onto the bed. Then driving over rough pavement, not even a pothole, the vibration carries the nails down the length of the bed. They will then find a hole in the bed, either a natural one designed to let water out, or one from rust and wear. If there are no holes, the nails make it down to the end of the bed to the tailgate.  Normally, they’d be stopped by it, but it's an old truck and the fit isn’t as tight as in the early years.

In the end, the nails, screws or whatever find their way out of an opening and down onto the street. Just waiting for the next driver to come along and pick them up. In their tires.

And so that is the way all those nails, tacks, screws and whatever find their way onto our roads. Not because of some crazed youth out for a night of adventure. No, they are there thanks to that handyman you hired to fix some problem in your home. 

Remember this the next time you pass one of those old pickups. Be sure and shake your fist and cuss them out for all the mayhem (and cost) they've brought to your life. I'm sure they'll understand.

My Dad warning me not to ever put nails in the back of my Datsun pickup.