She Can, He Can't

What comes to mind when you see a man walking around the women's wear aisle of a department store? The guy is a pervert, right?  I blogged about this a while ago.  Women can get away with browsing in men's underwear at Target, men cannot do the same in the women's underwear section.

Lately, I realized there are quite a few things that women can do that men cannot.

For example:
• Man can’t stand beside a car with a flat and wait for someone else to fix it.


No, he can't bend over to show off his butt when a car passes, can't look to be near tears, can't even look pensively at the flat tire and try to elicit sympathy. Any guy who would even try those would be hounded the rest of his life by the thought of inadequacy and impotence (yeah, it's a tough club we're in). People who drive by the scene wouldn't even give it a thought, assuming the guy was going to fix it himself.




• Man can’t wear shorts into a biker bar

You've probably seen movies where a guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of milk and within a few minutes a bar fight ensues. This is basically the same scenario. It wouldn't matter if it was 100° outside, if a man walks into a tough place in shorts it's a clear sign he wants trouble—and will most likely get it.

• Man can’t complain about getting bumped on bus/train

If a man were talking to his buddies and started to complain about someone jostling him on the train the other day, the immediate reaction from his friends would be to ask if he shoved the guy back and if it led to a fight. If he didn't give the appropriate response and continued to complain, the other guys would stare at him in disbelief or would assume he was kidding. More than likely, if a guy did complain about an incident like this, he'd be called one of numerous names used by females to denigrate men (as blogged earlier).

• Man can’t cry about anything in public (even though women wish men would show emotions)

Of course, the exception is Speaker of the House Boehner, but every other guy may not cry. A man caught showing such an emotion would forever be branded a non-man and shunned in future social occasions. The exception of course, is when the team you are rooting for in the Super Bowl loses the game by calling the stupidest play in the history of football and loses the game. But that is about the only exception. The odd thing though is that men are probably more emotional than women. We dare not admit it in public though.

• Man can’t wear different styles of clothes at work (no colors, floral designs, etc.)

Men's fashion has not changed in several centuries. In the 1800s if a man worked in a bank, he wore a suit and tie. As far as I can tell, the only change since then is that the collar is a little less restrictive. Oh, the tie or lapel might be a little thinner every now and then, but not much else has changed. Casual wear hasn't seen much of a change either.


• Men can’t use a girls bike even though it’s physically better for them

This is rather obvious. Men's junk is much more exposed then women's. For some reason whoever designed bikes decided that men should have a bar running from the seat to the handlebar that could basically make a guy squeal if he landed on it after a bump. For the females, that bar gently runs lower. My guess about this design is that in the old days, people believed women may not be athletic enough to get a leg over a bar that high up off the ground. Or maybe it was that women needed to be more demur and not lift their legs up that high. No matter the reason, a guy may not ride a more appropriately designed bike without receiving an overwhelming about of attention and verbal abuse.


• On a coed sports team, man cannot slap woman’s butt

As I've blogged countless times, men are much more aggressive and physical than women.  We naturally need to elbow a buddy in the side after a funny joke, slap on the back the guy who did a great job on winning that debate, or in sports, slap their friend on the rear end in excitement after scoring that goal.  If a man were to do that to a female he is not related to/dating, then he can expect to be slapped in the face or relegated to the bench for being a sexist pig.

• Man can’t talk trash to a woman without repercussions

This is very similar to the butt slap. Guys love to talk trash to their friends to either get the person's goat or to build up their own self-esteem. We see this mostly at sports events, but often at work or when having a beer at a bar.  If a guy were to do the same to a woman it would surely bring verbal hell fire and maybe result in some nearby hulk coming to the woman's defense.

• Man dare not complain about women drivers

 I learned about this the hard way. Although it's fine for women to mention how men never ask directions or drive like a demon from Hades, if a man does this he risks nation-wide ostracism. When I wrote a blog about this, not only did some radical feminists begin to attack me on Twitter and other social media, but acquaintances shunned me and tried to convince others to do the same. The odd part was that I saw the blog as a bit of a joke. No matter, don't do this.

So although most men know about the above actions/events, for the rookie or uninitiated I hope this proves to be helpful. Think of this as just a friendly warning.

North Charleston Murder: The Thurber Brigade once more goes wildly off topic

If you’ve been following this blog for some time, you’ll know that occasionally it will take a slight side-step and discuss something other than relationships or the differences between men and women.  This happened after the Ferguson incident and so, for pretty much the same reason (I’m agitated about bad police behavior), we’re going off topic again. 

 As a writer it’s my passion to tell stories (Jay's Place) and when watching a TV show or movie mystery, I try to guess the outcome or perpetrator.  So here's a dramatization of what I have theorized happened in North Charleston on Saturday, April 4th.

The Players:

Policeman— Michael Slager

Victim—Walter Scott

On a cool spring night in North Charleston, Walter Scott is calmly driving down the street listening to the local news on the car radio.  Police officer Michael Slager notices him as he drives by his parked patrol car. The first thing Slager notices is that the driver has a very, very dark tan.  He then carefully scans the driver’s car and discovers it has a broken taillight.

Within minutes Slager has pulled over the car and told Scott to get out of the vehicle.  The two men are soon standing face to face.

“What you doin’ on my street, boy?” Office Slager asks.

“I’m just driving home from work,” Scott replies.

“Welp, ya’ll got a broken taillight,” Slager says sternly.

“Oh, sorry, but that is a minor thing. I’ll get it fixed tomorrow,” Scott answers.

“You talkin’ back to me *black person?” Slager said, raising his voice.

“Hey, don’t be a *jerk, man.”

Officer Slager becomes incensed at this blatant resistance to his authority and pulls his Taser stun gun off his belt.

“What you doin’ *man?” Scott asked.  “I ain’t done nothing. There’s no reason for that.”

This really inflames Officer Slager’s mood and he shoots Scott with the stun gun.  This hurts Scott and knocks him to the ground, but it also energizes him enough that he understands this could get a lot worse.

Scott jumps up and turns away from the policeman and begins to edge away. “Man, you *evil guy.  I can’t believe you shot me.”

“That’s right *dark-skinned person, you better run,” Slager sneers. “I’m going to shoot your sorry *black person ass!”

Scott begins to run as fast as he can, but as he’s still sore from being stunned, he can barely limp away. Slager pulls his service revolver and fires repeatedly in the back of the fleeing Scott.

Scott falls to the ground mortally wounded and Slager hurries to his position.

“Told you *black person. Now put your hands behind your back!” Slager shouted.

“Ahhhhhhhh,” Scott replied softly as he slowly lost consciousness.

Slager handcuffed the lifeless Scott, then noticed he had forgotten to bring his stun gun with him. He quickly retraced his steps, retrieved the stun gun and brought it back to the body of Scott and dropped it beside the corpse. 

Very shortly, a second police office arrives.

“God, I was so frightened,” Office Slager told the other policeman. “I thought for sure this guy was going to harm me. He was almost like a wild animal!”

More police eventually arrived and wrapped up the event in standard procedure. Slager continued to state how he feared for his life and filed a report attesting to that. Since the other officers believed him and didn’t believe any thing was out of order (as this sort of thing happens often with *dark-skinned men they told themselves) so all carried on with their usual lives.

Of course, unlike other situations, this one was filmed. Luckily, the person who filmed it was brave enough to release it to the public. Normally this can be a very risky business as many times the witness can become a victim too. Eventually the evidence became too overwhelming for authorities to ignore and so many days after the incident, Office Slager is arrested for murder.

And so ends our little dramatization.  Of course, this is just conjecture, but more than likely, something very similar to this transpired. Will Officer Slager be convicted of taking the life of an innocent, unarmed man?  If history is repeated, probably not. However, that may be a future tale for The Thurber Brigade.

* Colorful metaphors have been replaced with less offensive words

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for once more veering off the road of the War Between Men and Women and assures everyone that it will return to the straight and narrow soon. Um, maybe. 

Ahhh, James Thurber

Mr. Hyde visits the Thurber Brigade

While jogging through the greenbelt near my home I encountered three kids huddled around a broken toy guitar. It looked like one of those things that if you push a button it would play a song and the user could pretend to be playing that song. Basically, a visible air guitar.

Anyway, it obviously was not working and the kids were trying to fix it. There were two boys and a girl. As I drew nearer I could hear them and the girl wanted to take it to her Dad to fix. However, the large boy to the right of her thought by banging it on the sidewalk it would fix it. The girl protested vigorously but as she was much smaller, and the other boy was rather muted (probably fearful of the larger guy), the big boy prevailed and proceeded to bang the thing on the cement.

Of course it didn't fix it, and for all I know (I had run past them) it broke even more.

Now, before I go further, let me state that I often do my best thinking while jogging. My mind seems to clear from other things and I can meditate on things I believe important, or can delve deeper into philosophical thoughts. On this occasion, it was the latter.

As I continued down the green belt I thought how those children were the perfect representation of our society. The female a representation of reasonable thought, the smaller boy just like the masses that go along apathetically, and the bigger boy the typical male who believes force can solve everything.

For years I've postulated that our society advances by male and female working in tandem. The male is the wild stallion whose muscle can be used to build; the female, using reason, must tame the stallion so that his work can be productive. 

In a previous blog I mentioned how often women think men are childish when we males begin to jostle and elbow each other. This isn’t childish behavior, this is male behavior. We’re a much more aggressive species and it’s natural for us to use this aggressiveness. But I’m not going to rehash that thought.

No, I just wanted to point out along similar lines that men often think it’s reasonable to use force to fix things. A guy is making too much noise at the next table? Shout at him angrily to get him to quiet down. A cop encounters a man sleeping on the sidewalk where he shouldn’t be?  Kick him in the side.  A guy cuts in line? Push him violently out of it.  A dictator of a country gives the president the finger? Bomb the hell out of that country.  Okay, this last one is taking it to extremes, but you get the picture.

We guys like to use force.  Some might say we're violent, often evilly violent.  I don't think we're inherently violent, it's more that we're aggressive and sometimes can take it to extremes if not controlled.  We’re bred and taught this at a young age. If you accidentally break the lamp while running through the house, Dad will spank you to teach you not to be so reckless. If you want to impress your friends at school, you have to prove your physical prowess, either through sports or pushing that little guy into the locker.

So this is where women fit in the society equation. They must tame that wild stallion.  Instead of letting Dad paddle Junior, maybe she can get him to talk to the tyke instead. Explain how the boy must be more careful. 

When rough-housing between men begins to escalate, instead of egging their men on to teach the other guy a lesson (think bar fight), maybe the women could urge both men to calm down and think of the consequences.

When wars are going on, men on the front line dream of going home to their wives.  Wives of men in power can often open those men’s eyes to the suffering of the men on the front line.

I mentioned this before in a blog too, one of the best episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 involved women in power. They were space refugees looking for a new home. When asked why men were not in charge, the answer was: oh, no, men are far too emotional.

What I am getting to in all of this is that as much as I think it’s funny to talk about the differences between men and women, to point out the goofiness, bad habits and traits of each, it’s quite clear that men and women belong together as a team.

Humankind has made some amazing advancements over the centuries and it’s all because the stallion and the horse trainer worked together to make it so.

Oh, I will keep making fun of women drivers, keep pointing out the mixed messages we guys get from women and probably irritate one or two feminists in the future, but rest assured I understand how the game is played.

 

The Chili Parlor Incident

Close Encounter, Part II

In a previous blog,  "Relationship C.V.",  I discussed a few of my less-than-successful relationships.  Partly for entertainment purposes (admit it, you like to hear about other people's failures), but also to point out my knowledge of relationships.  These were relationships that didn't go the distance. This time I want to tell about a "near miss." A situation where I had the intention of starting a relationship, but it just never got off the ground.

This might be a continuation of sorts, maybe a series, as I also previously mentioned an encounter with a woman and how a music video actress reminded me of her. That incident (Close Encounters, Part I) could easily be labeled a "near miss" too because I was a misplaced phone number away from dating her.

When you think about a near miss, you can't really claim it is good or bad. This is because you can't predict the future or tell how the possible relationship would have turned out. You could have gone on and married the woman or just as easily she could have knifed you in the back in a fit of rage over one of your bad habits. It's fun to think about the possibilities though.


Years ago my roommate and I (I'm a frugal guy, so had a roommate to save money back then) had a habit of hitting the Texas Chili Parlor.  A great dive/bar famous for it's XXX chili. Yes, I would occasionally try the triple, it tasted great, but you obviously pay a taste bud price for the heat.

However, we didn't go for the chili, we went for the "Magnums." These were just rum, Coke and lime (yeah a Cuba Libra), but they used a great name to draw us in to imbibe. Or was it my roommate who made up that name?

So on one excursion a new waitress, Nancy, caught my eye. She was a petite blonde with incredible eyes, but more importantly, she not only put up with us two obnoxious guys, she seemed to like us.

When I say obnoxious, I don't mean the type who makes snide remarks about the wait staff or gets in fights with other customers. No, we were the types who spoke too loud, thought we were clever (although the comments were more weird then witty), and who tended to not leave. That's right, we stayed until they put the chairs on the tables and mopped around our feet. Sometimes the staff would say something, but usually, they just tried to drop coy hints (the chairs, mopping, etc.). After all, we were really good customers.

So Nancy put up with the goofy banter and also would join in sometimes. Slowly, but surely, I think my attempts to get her to pay attention to me beyond customer status began to pay off. I could tell because she began to tell us something about her personal life, even if we didn't ask.

Okay, you are probably asking "why didn't you pounce right away" after she began to make more obvious signs. However, first off remember the blog about signs.  Women can sometimes give really misleading signs (not to be confused with the blog about women misleading men).

Second, most of us realize that waitresses are trained in "professional courtesy." This tactic utilizes various techniques from the easy (smiling politely) to the ultimate (the "I'm a good buddy" technique).  So when I attempt to make first contact with a waitress, I'm a little more cautious about jumping in with my heart. Sure, maybe I'm a little shy too.

Finally, after numerous weeks of going to the Texas Chili Parlor, drinking way too many Magnums and gently prodding her to garner interest, I decided to dive in full steam. I'd ask her for her phone number.  On our third drink I told my roommate about my plan. As I rushed to finish my drink so we could call her over, I could see him thinking this over deeply. Oh sure, I should have seen the warning signs. For either of us, drinking a lot and thinking deeply was not a good combination.

I waved at Nancy and got her to come over.

"I wonder if you'd give me your phone number so I could call you sometime and maybe we could go try out some other place sometime or something sometime, you know." (What? you thought I had a smooth line? You haven't been reading these blogs).

Nancy smiled broadly, but before she could even begin to tell me her number—and I'm absolutely sure she was about to—my roommate blurted out: "No, what would be better is for you to give her your number and then she can call you when she wants."

Taken aback, she blinked unknowingly, not sure what to make of this. I on the other hand, having consumed several strong drinks (if they liked you, your drinks were stronger than normal) thought that maybe my roommate had a great solution. Maybe he had figured out the right scenario for this situation and wanted me to take advantage of it. I thought this even though he hadn't had a girlfriend in years and was not known as a person to seek out dates. He was basically the perpetual "Wing Man." So of course, I gave her my number. We had a few more drinks then stumbled home.

You know the outcome of this already though. I've mentioned this countless times with different links leading to verification that women do not make first contact. After a few weeks we went back to the Texas Chili Parlor and learned she had moved on. No one knew where she moved to, although they were sure she still lived in town. It didn't matter though as even if I had know where she worked now, it would be like starting over.

 

Possible outcomes from a near miss relationship

So once again, another near miss that could have lead to something really great. Oh, I could blame my roommate (notice how I have yet to say his name) but as I mentioned, since we don't know the future he might have also saved me from a grisly death.  Therefore I just look at this as another adventure on the relationship battlefront of the War Between Men and Women.

(This has nothing to do with the blog; it's just included to inflame those radical feminists who are stalking me and hate it when I include pictures of provocative females)

Cover Up!

Yet another Thurber Brigade Side-Step

Right before the release of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE, I did a lot of promotion activities to get people interested in the book. This included Twitter tweets (w/pix) such as:

 Coming soon to eBook stores: SEX! (well, SEX and the AMERICAN MALE) A funny, satirical book, sadly, w/o SEX

And also FaceBook posts like this:

Very soon, you'll be able to buy SEX online! That's right, my next book is called: SEX and the AMERICAN MALE. So soon you'll be able to tell your friends that you got SEX for less than 2 bucks! ($1.99).

Almost immediately I began to face online assaults by a few radical feminists who had been stalking me online. I think they had become inflamed after my blog about women drivers.  They sent me tweets like this:

 

Apparently they thought I was promoting sex to the students I advise. I mean real sex, not my book SAM (my abbrev. for the book).  They hadn’t bothered to read any of my posts which clearly stated what I was pitching, nor read some of the details of the upcoming release.

I also discovered that they had also impugned one of my previous eBooks TAX BREAK because it has a racy cover.

I assume (I have done my best not to contact them to verify) that they didn’t like the image of a semi-nude female on the cover. Even though you don’t see the naughty bits (clever Monty Python reference) it must have inflamed their feminist angst that tells them any time a man uses an image of a female it is sexist.

Now, I’ve already blogged about how many people don’t seem to understand the difference between Sexism and Sexuality. So I won’t rehash that, but I will point out that some of the steamiest book covers come from the fertile minds of women.  Do radical feminists get upset with pictures of a semi-nude Fabio? I doubt it.

So anyway, to hammer the point home, here are a few book covers by women. I promote them on Twitter, so encourage you to check them out and buy them, but I think you’ll get my point. Yes, some include pictures of women as well as men in provocative poses. 

So SEX and the AMERICAN MALE seems rather tame to me. You should pick up a copy though, for although it might not have any hot, steamy sex scenes, it is pretty funny.

(some images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

What did he say?

Okay, admittedly it's been a bit since The Thurber Brigade traveled down the path of relationships, but bear with me for one more blog about SEX. 

Of course, by that I mean SEX and the AMERICAN MALE.  For those who skipped the last blog (shame on you by being scared by the title), here's a little description:

Take a zany trip through American culture all within the pages of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE. Zack Hardiman loses his mind one day after he discovers he doesn't own a single T-shirt or magazine that isn't covered with advertising. After a short rehabilitation in Doctor Thomas’ World Famous Mellow Recovery Sanctuary, he begins an adventure to explore American life and soon discovers how advertising, politics and mindless sloganeering permeates and controls every aspect of our lives.

In SEX and the AMERICAN MALE everything is fair game in this quick, fun read as the author parodies and satirizes everything from America's fascination with massive gas-chugging autos to science fiction conventions.

Makes you want to log on to Amazon.com right now and buy it, doesn't it? Whatever.

That was a sly nod to the book by the way. I throw in a "whatever" now and then as a slight stab at Americans who use it relentlessly and usually as a form of conversational surrender.

The real purpose of this blog though, is so I can make up all sorts of silly statements readers of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE can make by being in possession of this funny, thigh slapping tome (did that description convince you to buy? Just $2 at Barnes & Noble)

Once you get SEX you will be able to impress your friends by saying:

• “Yes, I really enjoyed SEX last night.”
• "Sex last night was fantastic!"
• "Of course I enjoyed SEX on my flight to LA."
• "I have a little SEX every night right before turning off the light."

You can also try to make those relatives you are not fond of having over feel a little uneasy by casually saying these phrases:

• "My friends and I really enjoyed SEX last night—together."
• "My biker boyfriend and I so enjoyed SEX this afternoon, we may tackle it again tonight after you leave."
• "I laughed a lot during SEX the other evening. Your daughter did too."
• "The cops would probably be upset if they knew I was enjoying SEX while driving."

As you see, the funny and maybe a little bizarre statements you can make if you own a copy of SEX and the AMERICAN MALE are endless.  So buy a copy today (still just $2 at KOBO) and come up with your own SEX phrases.

Oh, did I mention the SEX FaceBook page? Surf over to it today and "like" SEX.

An Apology: I want to take this final moment to apologize to those readers who believe I am making fun of them because they might be a little queasy about seeing and reading the word SEX over and over.  Or to those who think I'm using it as a blatant ploy (like the advertisers I chide in the book) to get people to read this blog.  I am of course, but nevertheless, sorry.