Will You Grow up!

 (Roughhousing that men really want)

 Remember when you were little your and your friends would come over? Invariably a wrestling match would break out.  

 It wasn't the result of anger or insult, but more likely from him hitting you in the shoulder, you retaliating and then the whole thing blossomed into a giant, roll on the floor, knock over the lamp, wrestle fest.  Usually ending when either you or he said "uncle."

This is normal male behavior.  It's as common as wanting the biggest piece of pie or wanting to be the captain of your pick-up baseball game.

Face it, men are just an aggressive, competitive species. Some say it’s due to our testosterone levels or some believe it's evolutionary.

This behavior doesn't end at childhood though. We carry it throughout our adult life.  You see it when males are together in bars, when they get together in board rooms, in congress, well, just about everywhere. Men just keep competing against each other.

 This isn't really a problem though, except that females hate this behavior in adult males. To them, this is "childish" behavior. They deem it this because they've seen it in men since childhood and equate it to that time.

As I brought up in a previous blog, women have been allowed to decide what is or isn't emotion and so have decided that men are not as emotional as themselves. This is also the case with adult behavior.  Women have been allowed to set the parameters of what is or isn't adult behavior.

So when you are at a sports bar with your bro, and suddenly elbow him in the side after you make the best comment of the day and he invariably elbows you back and lets you know that he is far more witty after those five beers. Well, according to the female species, you are acting like a child.

There are other examples of male behavior in which you can elicit females to roll their eyes and mutter under their breaths, "grow up." Things such as racing another male to the end of the block, arguing with your neighbor about something you don't really care about, you just want to argue, or insisting on going to that movie just because there are more explosions.

So these adult women who look down their grown up noses at us rowdy men prove that they are more mature how? Well, of course there's the gather their with their closest friends to drink tea.

Just like they did with Mrs. Beasley and Mittens when they were little girls. 

Or even more likely, put on a fashion show for their besties with the latest purchases from some super expensive shoppe (or boutique) just like they did with their mother's clothes when they were eight.

 

Basically, their adult behavior is just the very same things they did as children. 

 

It's just more acceptable because, we'll, it's less violent and of course, because they say so. Just like what emotions are okay, society has said they get to pick what is grown up.

So next time you're passing some outdoor cafe and see a gaggle of laughing females enjoying high tea and scones, roll your eyes, look disgustedly at them and say (loud enough for the whole place to hear) "why don't you little girls grow up?"

Maybe if this happens often enough, we can begin to even the playing field in a few decades.

 

(Men don't really mind when women dress up like this)

images from: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/

That is Super(ficial)!

A number of years ago while walking with my then girlfriend (Ex), I made the male mistake of looking a little too long at a female who ran by us. I admit I'm a leg man. I'm a jogger after all.  So my action resulted in a long lecture of how superficial I was for being attracted to a beautiful woman. Oh, of course I also learned I was a lech.

So my guess is that every man has received that lecture.  It's because we really are superficial.  I have no doubt about it, therefore I don't mind letting the cat out of the bag. Also, because men do not have ESP I figured it is only fair to be open about this.

It is our nature.  I believe it is linked to caveman days when the alpha male always wanted and fought for the primo female. 

Men also get to experience this lecture when we make a casual comment about a woman's weight. For example if you see a picture of Jessica Simpson and say she doesn't look like she'll fit in those Daisy Duke shorts anymore.   

(Not Jessica, but I had to include this for the guys)

You will be hopelessly chastised, even though she made her fame on her previous looks and would be nowhere near as famous today without them.

However with this admission of guilt I also point my finger at the female population and exclaim that they are just as guilty of being superficial—if not more. 

I remember years ago a game targeted at young girls called “Mystery Date.”  The object of the game was to get to the right spot and win a date with a dream boy. This game entailed that when the player landed on the right space she would get the chance to open a door to see who her date would be. There were a wide variety of possibilities. When you looked closer though it turned out to be the same guy. In each picture he just wore different clothes. So in the “loser” window he would have on old clothes and be barefoot (a hillbilly), but in the window for the good date the man would have on a tux.

However, this isn't a case of looks (which men utilize), this is a case about income.  That's right, women judge men based on how much money they have in the bank. So in the "Mystery Date" it's not because the guy looks like a dork, he's not desirable because he looks poor. 

Tsk, soooo superficial.

Again I see this as a matter of nature. When that cave woman looked for a mate, she went with the one who could support her the best. The alpha male most likely to bring home the most mastodon bacon.

You can see this female superficiality easily enough in the way they converse with each other. For example, when one female learns her bf has just met a new guy, what is her first question?

“So what does he do?”  She wants to know how much he makes. What is his position in society.

 

On the other hand, us superficial guys always ask, “so what does she look like?”

More proof of this female superficiality is the unbelievable number of ugly guys with beautiful women.

So next time your girlfriend chastises you for staring at some super model who walks by, chastise her for staring at the bulge in some other guy's pants. 

 

The bulge made by his wallet.

(images courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

I see England, I see France...

There's no doubt that we men like to look at women's underwear. Especially when they're wearing it. As you may remember from my last blog this isn't the case with females. To paraphrase it using an example, if a female bends over exposing her crack and panties, well we guys might walk into a lamp post so distracted by the view. 

 On the other hand, if a guy were to do the same thing the female response would be to scrunch up the nose and let out a biting "ewwwwwww." 

 Well, Unless the guy was Justin Timberlake.

It's a vision thing.

However, I don't want to go into that again. Instead I want to bring up another big difference between men and women as it relates to “undies.”

 

If I were to wander into the underwear section in the ladies department of the local Target, not only would I be followed by security, but I'd probably wind up on YouTube as the most recent pervert caught on camera. Just imagine the reaction if I picked up a pair of lace panties and held them up at eye level, twirled around to view them in a different light and then held them out straight in front of me as if holding them up to an imaginary friend.  My guess is that I'd be tackled by some overweight store cop and hauled down to central booking.

Of course, if you replace me with a middle-aged female and put her in the men's department, you'd get a collective yawn from everyone in the vicinity. In fact the very actions I described above are so common by females that I'll bet you have the image burned in your memory as a common occurrence to ignore as you wander the aisles. 

 But why?  Why is a guy in the female section an alarming situation while a female in the male section a yawner?

It is obviously sexism. Oh, I'm sure you are saying to yourself that the guy in that situation was just a “perv” while the female was undoubtedly a wife shopping for her man. But isn't that the very definition of sexism? That one sex can only be viewed in one light (ie a woman can only be a secretary)?

For all you know the guy was the one buying for his mate while the female was planning on keeping her purchase handily stashed under her pillow.  But you can't picture that, at least, not unless you are given that explanation.

 So to prove you aren't a sexist pig, the next time you are in Target and you see a woman fondling some men's briefs, promise me you'll give her a disgusted scowl and mumble (rather loudly) under your breath, “lousy pervert!”

 From all men who like to look at women's underwear: Thank you Victoria's Secret!

How's Your Vision?

In the past, people had a stereotype of men who wore glasses as being brainy or at least, a little more intelligent than the average man. That’s why in movies, if directors want to show that a man is a world class scientist, he’ll have a lab coat and glasses (which he’ll take off when he faces the camera).

That stereotype doesn’t extend to women. There has been an old axiom floating around for decades that states “men don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.”  So the stereotype for women with glasses has always been one of a “plain Jane” or ordinary female. In other words, using the movie motif from above, if a director wants to show that a woman is more "homespun" or more of the "girl next door" type, he'd have her wear a pair of glasses.

I bring these stereotypes up not because I like to brag that I still don’t need to wear glasses (but do think that I’m pretty brainy), but because there is also a difference in vision between the sexes. 

Let me first admit that I like to look at attractive women. This typical attribute (that we single men all have) is a major complaint by women about us. They claim we are superficial because our heads turn so easily when a cute woman in a short skirt passes by. Well, I might be hard pressed to argue with that.

However, let’s look at the vision of women.  Countless times I’ve been with a woman who will see some guy in old clothes, unshaven and basically unkempt and her comment is “Ugh.” His face looks something like this:

 Oddly, if that person turns out to be a famous rock star, that same look is considered “Sexy.” You did recognize a young “Boss” above, right?

Likewise, when women see a man wearing a skimpy Speedo swimsuit, they turn up their noses, scowl and say “Ewwwwwww.”

 Um, unless that guy in the Speedo is Justin Timberlake.  Then they get all giggly, purr a little and have a dreamy look in their eyes as they say “what a man!”

In other words, apparently women’s vision is tied to whether men are famous or wealthy.  It’s a strange phenomenon, but most male scientists I know (who might be wearing glasses) typically call this “being superficial.”

 Just checking your vision

(image from http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)

What’s on your mind

Since the early 1900s people have been fascinated by the thought of  Extrasensory Perception (ESP).  Basically, this is the concept that a person can have a sixth sense, can read another person's mind.  As far as I can tell, there is still no scientific proof that this really exists.

 

However, I do know that women believe wholeheartedly that men DO have this ability.

The short story I wrote a number of years ago, that this blog page is titled after, included a scene in which the main character tries to relay to a female coworker that men can't read women's minds.  This was actually based on an actual incident that I experienced when I worked in an office in which I was the only male--also like in the story (which really is fiction).

The woman had wanted to watch some TV show the previous night, but instead just watched whatever her husband wanted. The main character asked if she asked if she could watch her show and she said it wasn't worth it because he wouldn't let her. Basically, she was implying that he knew what she wanted, but wouldn't relent. The main guy says there's no way he could know unless she speaks up.

You see, men DO NOT have ESP.

About a year ago, I remember reading an article in the student newspaper of The University of Texas, "The Daily Texan," in which a female told about attempting to get the attention of a guy she wanted to know.  She and a friend arranged to play some beach volleyball next to a soccer field he played at. The plan included pretending to look for a missing earring at a time he was on the sideline. The woman lamented that her only success was in attracting a different, and older, man.  She had been sure that this scheme would work because the guy would know she was interested.

But you see, men DO NOT have ESP.

I've also encountered a number of women who wanted to meet some man they were absolutely sure would be their future mate, but these women would never introduce themselves. No, their "plan" included things like standing next to him at a store, or touching their hair while standing near him at the bus stop, or by letting him catch them taking a quick glance at him in the library.  For some reason, none of these schemes worked and the guy went on with his life without them.

Why? Because men DO NOT have ESP.

So why is it that women so often complain that their men don't communicate with them, but don't really communicate themselves?

I don't know, because you see, I DO NOT have ESP.

I'm Getting Emotional

There was this interesting Deep Space Nine episode years ago that had a wandering group of refugees visiting the station.  The group were farmers looking for a new planet to settle. What set them apart was that they were a matriarchal society. Yes, an oddity, a society in which women were in all the positions of power.

When Major Kira  asked their leader why women were in charge and not men she answered, with a laugh, “oh, my dear! Men are far too emotional to be in charge.”

My guess is that Kira thought to herself “Ain't that the truth!” Of course in her universe as well as ours, it's the reverse. Men are in all the positions of power. Oh, there may be a handful of congresswomen, etc. but it's mainly men.

The problem is—men may indeed be too emotional.  Of course, right now you're saying to your computer screen (you realize you're talking to yourself, right?) “But Jay, didn't Barbara Jordan once say, authoritatively, that all men had their emotions surgically removed at birth?” or something like that.

Yes she did (sort of), and I think women, and perhaps society, have accepted that belief. The thing is that it's wrong. They accept this belief because it's women who have been allowed to establish the definition of emotion and love for the past four or five decades.

The evidence isn't there though.

For example, look at the thousands of male fans at a football game (male/female ratio about 100/1). 

They have their faces painted, thumping their chests, screaming at the top of their lungs all for the love of their team. That's not emotion?

Crimes of passion.  You know, something like a lover discovers his beloved with another man and kills him (often the woman too). That's not emotion? Of course it is! And sadly, it's mainly men who do it. Um, what I mean is that it's sad that they resort to violence, not sad that it's not more women.

And nine times out of ten that person honking at you and giving you the finger while passing you on the road during rush hour is male.  That's right, that emotion on the road is rage. A very powerful and overwhelming emotion. Mostly male.

So by now you may be picking up on a trend.  These emotions I've been mentioning are rather, um, violent. They are emotions though.  Women choose to ignore them because they define emotions as less violent. Caring, compassion, love and kindness are the emotions that women respect and believe in and have convinced society are the only true emotions. 

Men have these, but are better known for shouting at the ref then for picking up that turtle and moving it off the road.  Because of this, men get saddled with the stereotype of being emotionless.

Women don't help the situation either. Not just in that they are allowed to define the parameters of emotions, but also they have the habit of stating that men who do show emotions (the emotions they accept) are weaklings.  Oddly, they declare this shortly after telling their girlfriends how they wish their man would open up more.

That's right, no matter the emotion we men show, women will have some objection to it.  Yell at the TV because your team just fumbled and she'll say you are too impulsive or excessive.  Drop a few tears and your a pansy boy.

Sheesh.

So it's time we changed things and admit that men are way more emotional then women.  If that happens we men might also agree to let more women into positions of power. In fact, we'd probably welcome this because then more of us could just stay home and watch sports on TV.

Wow.  I'm about to get emotional about that thought. 

  (for more pictures to get emotional about go to http://www.scavengeinc.com/p-951-sexy-referee-costume.aspx)

Talk, Talk

Back in the 80s there was a great band called Talk, Talk.  I don't remember any songs of theirs that included a discussion about talking, but I always like to use their name when I discuss talking just because I still like their music (and their name).

Whenever you talk about men and women, you eventually have to talk about, well, talking.

The stereotype we have about this is that women are the talkers, men less so.  When you think about an image of these, you think about Sarah Jessica Parker of “Sex and the City” fame, who constantly talked, whether with friends, or as a voice over.  For men you typically imagine Clint Eastwood, “the man with no name” from all those spaghetti westerns. I still remember someone asking him a question and his answer was usually ‚ “I reckon.”

However a few years ago a study came out stating this stereotype was wrong. Men speak as much as women. However, their study mainly looked at college students.  I have a feeling they're right in this instance.  I encounter students daily and yes, both male and female seem to talk about the same amount.  This changes though as we age.  Just ask any husband if he can get a word in during dinner. Ask a woman about her shoes and you'll get a mini-seminar on shoe styles. Ask a man and you'll probably only learn his shoe size.

Okay, this might be a little over dramatic, but just from personal experience I think the old stereotype is legit.  Years ago after one of my former girlfriends spent five minutes explaining why the cook at this restaurant hated her because he didn't cook her order like her mother would have, she turned to me and asked, “why don't you talk more?”

“I'm a writer, not a talker.”

I'm not sure she accepted this answer, but she also didn't challenge it either. Instead she went off on some other tangent that I'm sure must have been pretty important—although I have no memory of what it was.

On another occasion—with a different ex—I had a relatively long discussion (a rare occasion for me) on how it was more important to express how you felt toward a person with your actions rather than words. In fact, we had this discussion on a number of occasions. I thought I had really made my point one time after she told me she loved me and I responded by kissing her passionately and hugging her longingly.

Apparently my actions vs. speech concept didn't impress her, as it was just a matter of weeks later that we broke up. I picture her now living with some guy who will gladly tell her he loves her, but prefers to kiss the keys to his new Porsche.

So do women talk more than men? I sure think so. However, although I'm a writer not a talker, I don't really have anything more to say on this.  

Pat Benatar is Hot

Back in the 80s, I coached the Johnston HS soccer team.  Let me brag a little here. Each year I coached, the team got better.  The year before I arrived they didn’t win a game. My first year we only won 2, but it was a step up. After that it was 5-6 and then 7-5.  So sure, we didn’t blaze the league but we were moving up. 

However, I really want to mention something that more relates to what the Thurber Brigade is about. Women and men.  Such as how women can pretty much get us men to do anything, even when we know it may be wrong. Also, how we men can become obsessed with women. 

As for the latter, well, okay, I admit, I was obsessed with Pat Benatar.  What single, straight man in the 80s wasn’t?  

(cover photo from her memoir)

She came onto the scene as a Janis Joplin-style singer (rock, not pop) but with Katharine Hepburn looks.  As she wailed her angst-driven rock songs on the stage in tight spandex pants , we guys were  drooling and swooning in the stands.

Yes, I was obsessed.

So when her tour announced it would make it to Austin, I became driven to see the show, no matter the cost.  Sure, we teachers/coaches were paid peanuts, often working second jobs to put rice and bolgna on the dinner table.  It would be worth it to see this rock goddess prance across the stage.  Unfortunately, shortly after learning about the show, I also learned about my soccer team’s upcoming schedule.  Yes, a game on the same night.

I was depressed, but I was also a typical coach and driven by my passion for the sport (oh, and my job).  So I resigned myself that I would just have to give up on the woman of my dreams for this season.

As for my first point, that would be in relations to one of my top wingers.  He would do anything for his girlfriend, who admittedly, was quite attractive. It didn’t hurt in my book that she was one of those who dressed like and used the hair style of Pat Benetar (as seen in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).  In high schools across America at that time this was a quite prevalent look. In her case, she carried it off very well. 

So the day of the game arrived and my star player was nowhere to be found.  I discovered that he was out sick.  Missed all of his classes, and apparently, it was even excused by the school assistant principal. So I and my team accepted the absence and still managed to go out and win our game. 

However, it was the next day that I learned from my student manager—yes, we coaches do have our own spy network (we didn't have Facebook back then)—that the winger actually had not been sick, but acted so in order to take his girlfriend out that night.

Out to see the Pat Benatar concert!

As you have probably guessed by now, my obsession took over and in a rage, I not only screamed at him at practice that day, I kicked him off the team.  Oh sure, I may have been obsessed with Pat Benatar, but that wasn’t the reason I kicked him off. Trust me. No coach could allow such a deception to stand and expect his team to respect him and to follow his instructions.  So there really was no choice. And quit thinking to yourself, "no Jay, it really was your obsession."

Anyway, I kicked him off and so we played the next game without him too. It was a tie.  So we managed to not lose a game without this guy who betrayed the team all to try to get in better with his girlfriend—who, like me, really was obsessed with Pat Benatar.  As a side note, I think they broke up during the summer.   

Several of the winger’s teammates and friends finally approached me and convinced me that the punishment was too severe. They admitted he had broken the rules, but as a senior, this was his last year to shine, he also was contrite (they assured me) and that he would accept some other punishment. Such as running a lot of extra laps around the field, my usual punishment when I got mad, er, when some player performed poorly. 

Yes, I got over my disappointment at missing the show, at being stabbed in the back, at being lied to.  I let him back on the team.  I think we split the final few games and celebrated at least having a winning season.  It was my final season and probably the most memorable because of this incident.

To this day, I still think Pat Benatar is hot.  I still like her singing. However, every time I hear her, for at least a few seconds during the song, I drift back to that soccer season.  I think about the games, the crowds and all the hoopla that surrounds playing high school sports. I also think about how women can make us guys do the strangest things.

The 1983 Johnston High School soccer team

Jay's Hunting Tips

People look at me these days and say “You sure don’t look like a hunter.”  However, I tell them they judge me not by my experience, but by my age. I have a lot of hunting experience, in fact, I’ve been hunting for decades. So just because there’s a few less hairs on my head and a little more gray in my beard don’t think that I’m no longer hunting. 

And although I may not be bringing home as many trophies as in my younger years, I’ve still got quite a bit of good advice for those guys who have not been out in the field as much. So without further ado, here are a few of Jay’s Hunting Tips:

• Remember that it is you the hunter who picks the prey.  The prey doesn’t pick you.  So if you want to go for younger prey, as long as you aren’t breaking any laws, go for it!  Don’t listen to others who complain that you should be hunting for more mature prey. They are either jealous of your ability to hunt younger prey, or are just too lazy to make the effort themselves. 

• Men are much better hunters than women .  In fact, most of these hunting tips are aimed at men because there are so few female hunters. Oh, they talk a good game, but they mainly come up with schemes of how they would hunt or lure the prey to them, but rarely actually go out on a hunt. I still remember meeting this female who talked about putting on some special hunting clothes and how she would easily nail the prey. But remember the first tip, it’s the hunter that picks the prey. The prey isn’t going to come to you because you have some fancy hunting gear on, you have to go to the prey.  This brings up the next tip.

• Know the terrain you in which you will hunt.  Would you jump into a swamp in Louisiana without first checking for gators ?  Of course not.  Likewise when you go hunting you need to do a recon of the area.  When you first get to where you will begin your hunt, scan the area, look to see if it’s hunter friendly.  Will it be easy to get around? Is there too much competition from other hunters which lessen your odds of success?  Look for barriers which would prevent you from bagging your prey (such as angry anti-hunters—often females!).

•  Stalk prey that is alone.  Oh, sure. Sometimes the prey can seem easy even if gathered in a group, but let me assure you that no matter how docile those prey standing together may seem, they can be quite formidable if riled or if they believe they must protect your potential target.  In fact, if you insist on trying to hunt prey that repeatedly inhabit the area in groups, then be sure and take a good friend to help you in your hunt.  Having a buddy you can trust on a hunt is invaluable when you encounter prey in herds. 

So those are a few of my more valuable tips.  Use them to your best ability and I can assure you that if you take them to heart, you will be successful when you go out on a hunt.

Oops!  Darn this computer.  I just noticed that the auto-correct function was on when I typed in those tips.  For some reason, whenever I tried to type in dating, it changed it to hunting.  Sorry about that. The above are Jay’s Dating Tips.  Hope they help.

(Image courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net)

Pick-up Line Manual

Pick-up Line Manual

Let’s face it, nowadays it’s hard to meet someone new.  You’d like to meet that nice woman in your office, but you’re worried about facing a sexual harassment lawsuit for asking her out.  Or maybe you’re a female who longs to whistle at that UPS delivery guy but know that everyone in the office will then start Emailing the world about how you’re “loose” or “slutty.”

So you’re only alternative is to get away from the office, away from the prying eyes and ears of your friends.  In other words, you either go for the personals or online dating sites, hit a party or hang out at a nightclub.  And therefore you need: a pick-up line.

Because I’m a little short this year and can’t afford to give to charity, I’ve decided to help those who are pick-up line deficient.  You know the type.  The ones who still think “What’s your sign” is not passé. Those who swear that “Heaven must be missing an angel,” is, well, sent from Heaven.  And I really want to work with those who still say, “If I say you have a beautiful body, will you hold it against me?”  Sheesh.

Let me interject here, that this is obviously aimed at men.  I can’t help it.  First off, I’m a guy (you could double-check my profile).  Second off, as far as I can tell, women don’t use pick-up lines.  Oh, sure, I’ve run into a woman or two who might say something suggestive to a male they know from work, school or a friend of a friend.  But I’ve never encountered a female who has thrown out a line to someone cold.  In other words, I’ve never seen a female try to pick up the construction worker in that famous Diet Coke® ad from a few years ago on her own.  Never seen a woman, by herself, walk up to a complete stranger and say, “Hey, bud, what ya doin’ tonight after the show?”

Well, except in the movies.  And I could sure be wrong.  Hey, I’m a man after all, right?  Anyway, I’ve never seen, heard or been told about it.  Nope.  I don’t know a single guy who’s ever experienced it either.  Maybe I just hang out at the wrong nightclubs, bars, movies, etc.  And so do my friends.

Actually, it doesn’t matter.  If there is a female out there who does prowl like we men do, I can help you too. 

Yes, I’ve worked over the years to discover what the best pick-up line is.  I’ve researched countless gossip magazines, an obvious factual reference.  I’ve lost count of the number of pick-up joints I’ve visited (purely as a distant anthropological observer, really).  And let me tell you, I’ve spared no expense in buying and studying the premier reference guides like: “Pick up Hot Women in 10 easy steps,” or “You too can be an American Gigolo,” or the Bible of come-on lines: “The Power of Positive Thinking Pick-up Lines.”

See? Extensive research.

So, after years of study (I’m still waiting for the federal grant) here is the perfect pick-up line:

“Hello.  My name is _______ .”

The Theory of Relationship Relativity

The title of this blog refers to a short story I had published in SingleLife (a Wisconsin dating magazine) in 1991. The story was an ode to James Thurber's "War between Men and Women." So I'll continue to write on this war (war correspondent?) and the relationships between the two combatants.

So let me start with something about Math.

The Theory of Relationship Relativity

 

After years of devoted research, I’ve made a shocking discovery about relationships.  Love is a mathematical formula.

Sure, this flies in the face of thousands of romantics from the past.  Shakespeare would reject the theory outright.  Burns would chase me through the streets with a red rose (and a stick).  And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if Dr. Ruth put out a contract on me.  But it’s true.

I finally came to this conclusion after closely looking at the relationships of movie stars.  After all, aren’t they the modern paradigm of love?  Gossip magazines spend thousands of dollars to snap wedding pictures of Posh Spice and her soccer man.  Everyone at work gathers around the coffee pot to discuss Madonna’s latest flame.  So they are perfect laboratory love rats, no offense to any rats out there.

The formula is this:

LOVE= amount of time with a person  x  the qualities you like about the person

                           ÷ those pet peeves that drive you crazy

Let me give you an example.  Mr. Smith has loved his high school sweetheart for 10 years.  Ms. Brown served on the student council and lead the cheers at football games and looks incredible in a tight Angora sweater.  However, she snaps her chewing gum, hates to cook, cleans her house once every decade and wears perfume from K-Mart.

For the most part, the qualities and pet peeves are fairly even.  However, because of the length of time they have been dating, they will enter relationship heaven.

Example B.  Gail has dated Roger for close to a year now.  He works for the Shark, Curmudgeon and Bitter law firm as a junior partner, often gets confused for Brad Pitt and owns stock in IBM, Exxon and Ben & Jerry’s.  However, she’s recently learned that his favorite pastime is nude, Jell-O wrestling, munches on a whole onion (uncooked) at lunch and still thinks that “Porky’s” is the best movie ever produced.  This relationship will be joining the Titanic in no time at all.  Because the time factor is so short, and the nasty quirks are slightly stronger than the qualities, they don’t stand a chance.

How did this formula come about with the help of movie stars?  Well, look at the examples.  Bogart and Bacall spent a lot of time together on the sets of several movies.  A lot of close time together.  They both were beautiful, charming and provocative people.  Negative qualities were slight and undiscovered.  Their relationship was so mathematically predictable, even a French Lit major could solve the equation.

This formula gets repeated over and over with modern stars with incredible frequency.  Almost every week you can read in one of the paragons of journalistic reportage, like The Enquirer, about two hot stars falling into a relationship after spending many arduous months together on a film.  The time factor is so strong they can’t resist each other.

Of course, these relationships also never work out.  And it’s mathematical.  After a year of marriage/shacking up, the negative qualities start to appear and grow.  Soon they quickly outweigh time and positive qualities.  A break-up follows to the delight of readers everywhere.  This wouldn’t happen with Mr. Smith and Ms. Brown because the time factor has become so large the pet peeves could never overcome it.  There could almost be an argument made that to save the relationship, for the first few years you should try to avoid learning anything bad about your mate.  Build up that quality time so that the math works out.

As with all math formulas there will be countless tests to validate it.  So go ahead and test it to your heart’s (and relationship’s) content.  Plug in your parents.  Try out your sister and that stupid Marine she met at Mardi Gras.  And dare you?  Sure, be brave.  Plug your own relationship into the formula.  

The numbers don’t lie.