In(k) Excess

Back in the 80s a great bar to hit in Austin was The Back Room. A gigantic place divided into two halves. One side a game room with pool tables, video games, air hockey, etc.; the other a music venue. The bands that played ranged from headbangers to blues. I saw all sorts of groups from The Genitorturers, Anthrax and The Cramps, to Al Stewart, The ThunderBirds and Tragically Hip. For the most part though, I'd say the flavor was hard rock. The Back Room was popular with bikers after all.

I mainly hung out on the music side, but between sets or if I didn't want to pay the cover I'd hang in the game room. Although it could be loud in there too, it was the place I often tried to pick up women because I could hear them.

One night I stood along the wall, slowly drinking a beer while scouting out the night's targets. At The Back Room women often dressed much more provocatively than at some of the other haunts of mine, such as Liberty Lunch or Steamboat. This night I spotted a really hot female with painted on latex pants and a backless blouse. Her Pat Benatar-esque eyes and shapely body drew a lot of attention, including me.

However, she turned to look at someone playing pool and I noticed that she had a gigantic tattoo on her back. I casually moved a little closer and discovered that it was a panther. It's head on her right shoulder and its tail snaking off somewhere below her waist underneath those latex pants.

Although she had seemed intriguing, that gigantic tattoo turned me off.  Back in those days most women didn't have much in the way of ink. Well, unless they were biker chicks.

I also had a double-hit mindset against it because I had grown up as a youth in the middle-American Midwest. Us God-fearing whitebread kids were taught by our elders that men who had tattoos were either old sailors (which was deemed acceptable but you could still smirk) or else criminals or carny folk (not acceptable).  Obviously, to these people, it was impossible to think that a female would sport a tattoo.  Tsk, tsk was the phrase used when you passed a person such as this (people back then were PC—not prone to being jerks—before that became a way of behaving).

However, besides my youthful brainwashing, I had another reason I didn't like the idea of tattoos. Way back then a horrible man named Richard Speck butchered eight young nurse trainees in a dormitory. I distinctly remember the police saying we'd be able to identify him if we saw him because of a “Born to raise Hell” tattoo on his shoulder. Oh, it wasn't the tattoo that caught my attention, it was that a tattoo was a way for you to be found.

Now before you say that I obviously had been thinking about a life of crime and so didn't want to give myself away, it really was because I was slowly getting radical ideas. I also realized that ideas often scared people, and so radical ideas could get you into trouble no matter that we lived in the "land of the Free."  Yeah, the Vietnam years.  My ideas weren't really anti-war thoughts though, but that's for a later discussion.

(Yes, a youthful Jay at a civil-rights protest looonnnngggg ago)

This anti-tattoo concept also followed me into the army.  There was tremendous pressure to get a tattoo or two if you were in the military. I had a friend who went nuts about them, even had a contest of sorts with another of his friends to see who could get the most. This was before the day when you could get full arm tats. They were all individual things. So I got a lot of pressure from him as well as my other army buds. On several drunken nights I almost succumbed to the most common (in my unit) "82nd Airborne" insignia tattoo. But I resisted.

In the army I really had become a big radical threat to the establishment because I dared to advocate for enlisted people's rights. I figured that any day some general would decide I must be incarcerated on some trumped up charge, so no way would they ID me by a tattoo.

So I escaped the military tattoo-less and carried those same concepts well into the 80s, 90s and 00s. A gigantic Panther tattoo could only mean trouble and just didn't spur my sexual desires enough to give me the courage to throw a line her way.

Nowadays tattoos are the rage with today's hipsters. It's a common sight to see men AND women sporting complete arm/leg/body ink. Where in the old days even a peek of ink under the shirtsleeve could result in the job applicant getting shown the door, now it's accepted—or at least tolerated.

Even I have slowly come around to accepting some tattoos on women. I often get involved in rousing discussions over beer with male friends about what is acceptable. They usually have absolutely no qualms about any ink on a prospective date (okay, a lot of my friends are younger and avoided that middle-American brainwashing), while I argue for discretion.

 
I still would prefer to just see a small butterfly above a breast (an homage to "Papillon"), and even find it a little seductive to see a small sun barely peeking above the back of the belt. Ironically, this latter one is called a “Tramp Stamp” which got its name through similar brainwashing/stereotyping as what I experienced but in later decades.

However, it will take some major adjustment to ever get me excited about a prospective date who has tattooed her entire life's history on her back; or have a dragon shooting fire on one arm toward a knight on the other; or a gigantic cobra slithering up one leg and a mongoose on the other. Yes, a little too much ink for me.

Some brainwashing just can’t be undone.

(okay, you young readers may not have gathered that the title of this blog is a play-on-words referring to INXS. Yes, another 80s band; yes, I know I'm in a rut. No, they have nothing to do with tattoos although I'm sure they had one or two).

The Smirk of Reality—A Thurber Brigade Sidestep

Congress became enraged the other day during a committee hearing about how Martin Shkreli raised the price of an important drug by about 5000% (Daraprim went from $13.50 to $750 per pill). He had the audacity to smirk at those asking him questions. Often he would not even pay attention while they spoke. Just as often, he scoffed when he was called upon to answer them.

To further inflame them, after leaving the hearing, he tweeted that the inquiring congress folk were imbeciles.

I suspect their outrage wasn’t influenced so much on how the most hated man in the US raised the price of vital medicine as much as they hated the way he treated them.

How dare he not show this august group of people the respect they believe they deserve!

However, the truth is he just treated them the way all of Big Pharma perceives them. He treated them like the bought and sold patsies they have become. He treated them like the people who take millions of dollars in their money to do their bidding. He just didn't show the reverence for them that the other Big Pharma honchos do to present to the public a contrite face and therefore hide their true feeling for these pawns.

 

In other words, Shkreli treated them exactly the way Big Pharma would really like to treat them, but doesn’t so that congress people can keep their façade of being the people’s representatives alive.

The United States has the highest cost for medical drugs in the industrial world. For example Seroquel, which is used for insomnia, is $33 in Canada vs. $124 in the US.  Also, for the cancer drug Campath here is the price in various countries: United States: $2,400; France: $760; Sweden $660; Britain $570; Italy $500.  The cost of Nexium (used for acid reflux) is only $23 in Holland, while if you buy it here you pay $215.

The reason for this disparity is because congress refuses to regulate Big Pharma. In fact, they’ve even passed legislation that makes it against the law for the government (yes, the entity they work for) to shop around for cheaper prices for US Medicare recipients.  This way congress keeps Big Pharma happy and they keep getting big bucks from lobbyists for their political campaigns.

So congress will continue to ignore regulating Big Pharma (as well as Big Oil, Wall Street, etc.) so they may continue to get the largess they adore.  However, they will also continue to express their anger at Shkreli and may even level a “contempt of congress” fine of several thousand dollars. By my reckoning, that will be equivalent to about three or four of those pills he sells.

**The Thurber Brigade apologizes for once again veering off the road of the War Between Men and Women and assures everyone that it will return to the straight and narrow soon. We had really planned to write about something else (and will shortly publish it) but couldn't miss the chance to not only make fun of this evil man, but also get a stab in at congress. I know, too easy of a target. Sorry. 

Ahhh, James Thurber

Raison d'être

Believe it or not this blog has been going on now for four years. Or I should say irritating women for four years. I began it for two reasons. One because once on Facebook a woman didn't like that I had an opposing view about something she posted (I think it was about how she felt sorry for the negative reaction to a 400 pound woman; I mentioned that it was the woman's fault for a lack of discipline/discretion). She told me she deleted my post. When I protested she responded by saying I should just write my own post. Instead I started a blog. Second, when I began exploring blogs to determine a focus for The Brigade I discovered that there were about 1,000 female blogs to each male blog.

So I thought why not be a lonely voice calling out from the desert? Of course it has it's perils. As I've stated before, if a man says something about a women he's a misogynist but if a female says something about a man, well, that's just biting social commentary. I really pissed some feminists off with my driving blog.

Also, I've been told that my blog is sexist because I post pictures of scantily clothed females. It doesn't matter if I don't say they are incapable at some occupation or only good for sex. To some angry feminists, I'm not being sexual, I'm being sexist. It doesn't matter if females make sexual comments or post pictures of Justin Timberlake, as they are just expressing their inner sexual being. In other words, there seems to be a double standard here.

Therefore, here are a few examples of female blogs/articles that encourage me to wither the storm of feminine anger.

He's a great guy, but this woman thinks that he may in fact be a "Wuss."  Another blog says that a guy can be TOO nice, and if so, is probably just a "Wuss" (a popular term women use when talking about men they are not impressed with).  Along those lines, this woman doesn't think her boyfriend makes enough money.  I've actually seen a few blogs that equate the two types as the same. Anyway, a while back I wrote how women complained that men stereotyped women based on looks. I pointed out how women were just as stereotypical, as they often wanted men to be well off (wealthy).

(I still haven't figured out why they used this picture)

Her boyfriend likes to take things slow and also has a habit of doing certain things that seem odd to her, so he must be a control freak.

This blog seems to focus on letters about bad relationships and then the blogger gives advice. I had a blog that points out that no matter what a guy does, he can't win. For some reason, her blog just reinforces my point. 

As I mentioned above, I really caused some feminists brains to explode when I wrote about women drivers. I should point out that first off, I never stated that this related to all women, the angry fems just assumed that. Also, I start off the blog by noting how women often intone various stereotypes about men's driving. That apparently didn't register with them. 

Anyway, as you might expect you can find all sorts of complaints about some woman's boyfriend scaring the shaving cream out of her when he drives, or  really worries her and makes her uncomfortable. These articles/blogs usually have a lot of woman making comments that agree that males are one scary breed when they get behind the wheel. Yeah, we are.

Many women bloggers seem to enjoy pointing out that men are much crazier then women.  Typically, these relate to how a guy may try to get a female's attention or about his commitment to the female. I blogged about how women send out mystical signs to try to let men know they are interested as well as also pointed out that women are more afraid of commitment then men.  Boy, got some angry emails about those.

Of course, sooner or later you'll run across a female blog about trying to find that perfect man.  Sadly, I have never been brave enough to write about finding the perfect woman because I don't want my house burned down. I did write one in which I profess that Pat Benatar is one hot woman.

An odd blog (in my book) tells women about how to determine if they are just being pursued for sex (be sure and check the title, it's hilarious).  Meanwhile, I blogged about how women have strange vision. For example, they will say "ewww" if they see a guy in a speedo—unless that guy is Justin Timberlake. Then they tend to drool.

For some reason, I appreciated the blog about whether to date an older man.  It made it sound like I might have a 50/50 chance.  This one reminds me of my "hunting tips" (really just dating tips for guys).  My blog came about because I had overheard a woman say she was disgusted because she saw an older man with a young female. I tried to stress that the person responsible for first contact (men, of course) should get to pick who they try to hook up with.

Very similar to that is the blog about the worst first date ideas of men. It's alluding that men are all scumbags because they actually do stuff like what she writes about. Oh sure, there are all sorts of guys out there and each one does something that sets a woman off, but the overall thought of the blog is that men are losers. My stereotype and hunting tips blogs weren't subtle enough when I compare it to this which is why they got a much worse reception.

I allude to sex quite often and use pictures of semi-nude females to not so subtly allude to sex. However, if you want an extreme version of a female blog, be sure and see DarkGracie's blog (prudes need not follow the link). If you are annoyed by my pictures of females in bikini's then you should be just as livid at pictures of dildos that seem to populate some women blogs.

As I noted, I often use pictures of women with little on in the way of clothing, well, women do the same thing with pictures of men.

She complains about a date with a guy, including him showing up late, his driving, etc. I have yet to blog about a bad date, but I have blogged about a near miss. Oh, btw, yes, I have a cat.

Although I could go on and on, the last one I want to point out is about a woman who is madly in love with a guy, but won't tell him.  Oh, she talks to him, but she believes he should have ESP and know how she feels about him without giving him a verbal clue.  This is so related to my last blog about First Contact and how women absolutely will not partake. Sigh.

So The Thurber Brigade will continue on its merry way.  Here and there pissing off an angry feminist or two (and take a sidestep or two way off topic) as we discuss The War Between Men and Women. And if one of the blogs irritates you are makes you mad, feel free to comment because as I mentioned in a blog before, I kinda like to rile people (and so enjoy comments). Don't be surprised though if you do make a comment about how I must be the devil's spawn because of my evil writing that more than likely I'll respond by just letting you know that it all came about because some woman started the, er, "discussion" with her clever female blog about us male neanderthals.

 

Ahhh, James Thurber

First Contact

“…There is no starship mission more dangerous than that of First Contact. We never know what we will face when we open the door on a new world, how we will be greeted, what exactly the dangers will be.”  Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Star Trek: The Next Generation (Season 4, episode 15, “First Contact.”)

Some angry feminists have the idea that every time a man approaches a woman he doesn't know and speaks to her, it's sexual harassment. She doesn't want to be bothered they say, or else state she has not done anything to warrant the intrusion. If the continuation of the species were left to women such as this, we'd be extinct in no time. Because it is up to man to make First Contact since females are too afraid to make any attempt.

 

Well, unless the guy is a rock star, pro athlete or movie star. Going up to a complete stranger is impossible for women. Too scary.

I should point out that I wouldn't be here if my father hadn't made First Contact with the beautiful young woman behind the counter of a small drug store. He had just rolled into a small Kansas town on a surveying project and was entranced. This is not a unique story, of course. A large portion of the US populace are happy couples because some guy walked up to a complete stranger and asked her out on a date.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, some men are subtle and clever, some are Neanderthals and resort to catcalls.  Also in the same vein, The Brigade discussed how men are required to throw out lines to meet women. Women will critique these lines, but would never attempt the endeavor themselves. It's too frightening for them; too much of a risk of getting rejected. 

 

So it's up to the male of the species to take the risk. To make First Contact. Oddly, women will often tell guys to "buck up" and take it (risk) like a man—even though they wouldn't dream of doing it themselves.

Interestingly, some women will make an attempt to meet a man they might know from work or some party where they might have had a brief chat (i.e. not a stranger), but never via a verbal message. Instead they attempt some elaborate scheme.

For example, I vaguely remember a woman writing about her scheme, either in a blog or newspaper personal essay, about trying to meet this handsome guy who had said "hi" to her in a park while jogging (wow, almost a stranger, except she had run past him many times before). Of course, in the story she never made mention of just going up to the guy and introducing herself.

The great plan failed, as might be expected, when instead of attracting her target some other "older" guy approached her instead. No it wasn't me, although I did take offense that she brought up his age and made it sound hideous. Come on, I'm not that old. Maybe. Anyway, she wasn't interested in this old guy and the end result is that she is not enjoying dating bliss with the handsome guy either.

In a lot of these schemes women dream up they usually believe they can offer signs to the man (yeah, I've blogged about these signs too) or else believe that men have ESP.

 

We don't.

 For example, one time while in a drug store a cute female seemed to follow me around. Even looking at athlete's foot spray when I stopped there. Not having ESP I wasn't sure if she was interested or was coincidentally looking for the same products that I was and her huge, mean boyfriend was waiting patiently for her around the next aisle (yeah, experienced that one). Needless to say, we never spoke.

A long time ago I remember a Cathy comic strip  in which Cathy and her friends were sitting around a table in a café. She brought up how it was the male who had to make First Contact, take all the risks, and that women would only come on board when they were absolutely sure they were safe. The other women just shrugged, said there was no reason to change now and nonchalantly went on to order their food.

In other words, even though women demand equality in everything, they don't mean it applies to social situations.  AND they admit/support the concept.

So perhaps by the time we achieve intergalactic space travel and trek to distant galaxies, women will have become equal to men—even in social settings. Until that faaarrrr off time, men will have to continue to wear the redshirts on those perilous away missions and initiate First Contact with the Femaliens they encounter.

(What? You were expecting another Thurber Sidestep? Sorry, but The Brigade believed it was time to quit getting angry at all the crap going on out there, from bad cops to loud-mouth, idiotic politicians, and get back to The War Between Men and Women. You're welcome.)

Ahhh, Thurber

Tips For Tourists: Another Thurber Brigade Sidestep

In these troubled times, The Thurber Brigade wishes to do its part to help people and to foster amity with those who travel to our shores. So we offer these Tips For Tourists. In this particular case we want to give our European friends who have crossed the ocean a guide to better understand what to expect if they encounter the police here in the United States.

First off, keep in mind that our police are nothing like what you experience in your home country. While it may take two to three years of training to become a "cop" back home, here in the US it can take as little as 15 weeks to earn the gun and badge (even hairdressers require more training).

Also, although your police may use Sherlock Holmes as a role model for reasoned policing, here in The States they prefer the "Dirty Harry" style of enforcing the law.

In that vein, while your lawmen prefer to de-escalate a tense situation, ours prefer to shoot first and sort it out, well, they typically don't need to sort anything out because they can do no wrong in the American Justice system's eyes. In other words, if they do something violent to you there is a 90% chance that nothing will happen to them save a few days of paid vacation.

With all of the above in mind, here are a few tips to avoid being shot/killed/or beat up by American law officers:

☠ Do not run from the police. It doesn't matter that you may have not done anything and fear for your life (because they are shouting at you and have their hands on their guns), stand perfectly still. Keep in mind, that even subservience doesn't guarantee that you will not be shot or beaten. But if someone is filming the exchange, there is at least a 10% chance the officer will get a verbal reprimand.

☠ Do not ask them for assistance. They may take it as a sign that you are about to attack them and will “Pre-retaliate” to stop you. 

☠  If you are driving, do not flash your headlights at them even if they are running theirs on highbeam. They might see you as a possible terrorist and think you are signaling a fellow traveler and so will again Pre-retaliate before you have a chance to do anything. 

☠ If you do as they ask, the police may shoot you.  Again, it boils down to them believing you are about to do them harm, and so want to take action before you do.

☠ They may also shoot you if you don't do what they ask. For example, if they ask you for something you don’t have in your possession and so don’t give it to them (even though you don’t have it), then they might fear you are about to do something violent to them and so will attack you before you get a chance. 

☠  If they come to your hotel room/home and want to search it, if you refuse they may shoot you. It doesn’t matter if you ask them for a warrant. If you refuse they’ll assume you are an international terrorist and will fear you are about to do them harm and so will again, Pre-retaliate.

☠   Do not take pictures while you are here on vacation or you might become horribly maimed by police. 

 

In case you got your dog through quarantine keep in mind that our police fear dogs with a passion and may shoot your pet if he:

☠  Runs away

☠  Barks (even if on a leash)

☠  Sits in your house

☠  Is a service animal

As you can see from these tips, the police here in the US are nothing like your police who typically respond with patience and calm. Our police are a fearful lot who fear so much for their lives, we're often surprised they even step outside their station. 

You may have also noticed that they really like to use their guns too. This is because in their training (remember, usually only about 15 weeks) they are taught how to use their weapon, but not about how to avoid having to use it like police are taught in Europe. So their first impulse for anything that doesn't go their way is to shoot. Yes, you might have just been stopped for something that just warrants a ticket, but hey, they have this gun they might as well use it, right?

We at the Thurber Brigade hope these tips will help you to enjoy your time here as well as maybe return you to your country safely and with little physical and psychological damage from our "peace officers." Enjoy your trip and for god's sake if you see a policeman coming for you keep your head down!

The Thurber Brigade apologizes for taking a sidestep yet again. We know it seems to be a habit, but we thought that since the number of deaths at the hands of police has now gone over 1,000 for this year (meanwhile, in 24 years police in Wales and England only killed 55 civilians), well, it might be good to give people new to the US a little warning. The Brigade plans to get back to the business of The War Between Men and Women real soon. Really.

James Thurber supports sidesteps. Trust me.

(Some Images courtesy http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/)